Planet Moron

2008 washington dc auto show

For years now, the Washington DC Auto Show has sought to establish a unique identity, one that accurately reflects the true nature, indeed, the inner essence of this dynamic city. 

The problem with this is that the true nature and inner essence of Washington DC is the United States Federal Government. 

And so, in the middle of the show’s five-day run, the web site was still promising that the event’s Floor Plans were “coming soon…,” possibly awaiting the results of a fact-finding mission. In fairness, it was only through our own crack research staff here at Planet Moron headquarters that we were able to locate a set of floor plans which had been diabolically hidden deep inside a Washington Auto Show brochure. 

The web site also included a helpful map of the metro system. Helpful in the sense that if this were December 2006 and the Yellow Line still stopped at the convention center rather than going on to Fort Totten. (Give them credit, though, they apparently removed information regarding stage coach times and horse parking.) 

Fortunately, there was plenty of signage at the event itself to alert patrons to special events and discount prices. 

Okay, so that was for the day before, probably just a jurisdictional dispute between the Department of Sign Removal and the Office of Placard Upkeep.

But then, we should keep in mind that this year’s show billed itself as “Engineered for the Future.” The present? Not so much.

Aside from imbuing the auto show with all the efficiency and customer-oriented service of the Post Office, The show did have other Washington, DC-inspired displays. 

Among them was a presentation of “alternative fuel vehicles” (alternatives to cheap, efficient, gasoline, that is) including this parking enforcement vehicle fueled by CNG (compressed natural gas).

Ahhh, you smell that? That’s that intoxicating mix of authority and guilt Washingtonians find so irresistibly alluring.

But perhaps Washington DC’s true sentiments towards the automobile were best illustrated by this display, prominently featured as you entered the second floor:

It did seem that the organizers of this show really don’t have their heart into it, like a white collar felon forced to perform community service, putting on this show feels more an obligation than a celebration, whether it was moving it from a festive and convenient time two years ago to the dead of winter, to using up valuable floor space to feature mass transportation displays last year, it’s as if the true intent of the show is to increase Baltimore tourism.

Oh, and as for those floor plans?

“Ah, the heck with it…” 

J.

don'€™t blame the pollsters just because the voters got it wrong

This week'€™s primary election results in New Hampshire have created nothing short of electoral chaos. Whereas one week ago, the Iowa caucuses seemed to have settled the question of who the presidential nominees would be, we now find ourselves in uncharted territory.

"I think it really tests the popular notion of democracy," noted one political historian, "when you can allow two tenths of one percent of the population to overturn the clearly expressed will of one tenth of one percent of the population."

Other political observers disagreed noting that it is actually healthy that we allow not only rural populations of white Americans in Iowa to make these decisions, but instead enfranchise the rural populations of white Americans in New Hampshire as well. Only in this way can we help ensure that the voices of all rural white Americans are adequately heard. 

Of course the concern now is that voters who do not live in Iowa or New Hampshire will have a say in who gets to run for president. Expert political analysts at the cable news networks could not recall a single instance in the history of the United States when this has been the case but then that's partly because Google only caches web pages back to 2003.

Where this leaves us is unclear but the New Hampshire polling professionals are hard at work using sophisticated modeling techniques in an attempt to discern what the area codes are of people living outside of Iowa and New Hampshire and whether or not they have phones and if so, will long distance rates apply.

While only preliminary, early polling in South Carolina is already helping to draw a more accurate picture of what might be expected in the upcoming Republican primary including indications that while former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney remains a strong contender there, he is facing a stiff challenge from that guy from those Apple commercials who is beginning to cut into his traditional support among Flemish-speaking Dutch residents of Zeeland.

Okay, sure, political polling isn't an exact science and so will naturally be subject to some measure of uncertainty, however pollsters assure us that their expectations that John Edwards will easily defeat Korean bronze medalist Olympic speed skater Lee Joon-Ho when The Mole returns to ABC has a relatively small margin of error of somewhere between "G" and a picture of a bumblebee.  

Give or take.

In the meantime we can only hope that the voters in Nevada, Michigan and South Carolina cooperate with the media this time around and finally decide who the Republican and Democratic nominees should be.

That way this country can get back to doing what we do best: Exporting democracy.

J.

as the old saying goes, “it is better to blow out a candle than to curse climate change."

A group of Israeli environmentalists are promoting a campaign encouraging those observing Hanukka this year to light only seven candles instead of the traditional eight, since the burning of these candles can “do significant damage to the atmosphere.”

For example, we here at Planet Moron had to drive through an early-season snowstorm this morning which was almost certainly caused by excessive Menorah use. In fact, the celebration of Hanukkah is even interfering with scientist’s desperate attempts to understand the problem, most recently when frostbite (a very common side-effect of global warming) forced the suspension of an Arctic expedition meant to call attention to our worsening climate crisis. 

However, we can’t let the Jewish people bear the full responsibility for saving the planet from humanity, and so we propose that we all pitch in and find ways to fundamentally alter our deeply held traditions, the practice of which threatens the survival of the earth.

For starters:

When singing the traditional Christmas carol, “Deck the Halls,” you can cut down on your personal carbon dioxide output by only singing every other “la.”  

Like this:

Deck the Halls with Boughs of Holly
Fa- -la- -la- -la- -la
Tis the Season to be Jolly
Fa- -la- -la- -la- -la

It is estimated that the CO2 saved would be enough to offset several minutes worth of the emissions produced by Al Gore’s private jet’s electric martini shaker.

Yule log? We don’t think so. A single Yule log puts out enough carbon dioxide to bury one 12-year-old Maldives boy under 20 meters of rising seawater. Instead, you can simply gather ‘round the ol’ hearth and bask in the  warm glow of a festive compact fluorescent bulb.  

You say that’s not same thing? Fine. How about you just go fly to the Maldives, find a 12-year-old boy, and drown him in the bathtub, because it’s pretty much the same thing.

Outdoor displays consume enormous amounts of energy. But you can cut down on your electric bill this holiday season by making a few simple changes. For instance, you can swap out your old, power-hungry light bulbs with more energy efficient bits of chalk. And you don’t need a big inflatable snow globe in your front yard to show off your holiday spirit, not when you can start a compost pile in the same spot instead!

When setting up your Christmas Crèche, you can conserve resources by “reimagining” the traditional nativity scene. One way would be to cut back on the cast by trimming out Mary, Joseph, the three wise men, various farm animals and so on, and take a minimalist approach: “Jesus: A One Man Show.” (Limited engagement.)

Finally, if you feel you absolutely must send out Christmas cards, a sure-fire way to cut back on the waste is to send them out only to people you really like. That’ll save a forest or two all by itself.

And no, we’re not sending you a Christmas card.

J.

when just being "good" isn't bad enough

While regulators and lenders alike turned a blind eye, a looming crisis in the housing market has been allowed to grow to such a magnitude that it now threatens to derail the American dream. What great tragedy has a cabal of mortgage lenders and real estate developers managed to bring to our very doorstep?

The grim reality that literally tens of millions of Americans purchased homes that were not only within their means, but were financed with mortgages THAT THEY CAN ACTUALLY AFFORD. 

Those looking for a simple, easy answer to this sorry state of affairs will be disappointed to find that that there are as many reasons as there are frailties of the human heart. Some just got caught up in the hoopla about personal responsibility while others believed in the virtue of forgoing immediate gratification. Still others engaged in a willful refusal to involve themselves in speculative real estate deals while many more insisted on wasting everyone’s time by reading the legal documents they were asked to sign. (Yes, it was that bad.) Regardless of their reasons, one thing is clear: 

Something must be done. 

While they were slow to act initially, government regulators are now working with lending institutions to make sure that a message is sent to those Americans who were careful to stay within their household budget: There is no such thing as a paid lunch, not in the America we know anyway.

Currently, the United States Treasury is working on a plan to suspend changes in adjustable-rate mortgages which are now contractually set to increase from economically unsustainable “teaser” rates. In this way, homeowners won’t have to pay what their loans actually cost, but only what they can currently afford.  As this program should make clear, Americans must stop adjusting their expectations based on what they can pay, and instead let the government do its job and adjust what they pay, based on their expectations. 

Yes, there are those who insist on dragging out that tired old canard, “Let the free market work.” But what’s “free” about making mortgage payments? NOT making mortgage payments, now THAT puts the “free” back in “free market!”

And we can expect that there will also be some complaints heard from those who bought the securitized instruments that lenders packaged up and sold to investors but there’s no need to worry about them, these are mostly “fat cats,” sitting back in their expensive leather chairs and chomping on big cigars they probably lit with $100 bills.

Or possibly hard-working teachers, firefighters, and police officers trying to save for retirement. 

You know, either, or.

Of course, someone has to make up for the cost of these sudden, unscheduled reductions in mortgage payments, whether it’s through higher taxes, higher fees and interest rates or reduced access to credit due to shrinking market returns. Fortunately, these costs will mostly be borne by the very same Americans who got us into this mess in the first place with their years of reckless frugality.

Now, we would be remiss if we did not concede that while these and other efforts to address the mortgage crisis clearly penalize those who deserve it, a gratifying side benefit is that they do offer some real, tangible relief for those who find themselves in desperate need this holiday season:

Large multinational financial institutions and the executives who run them. (Hey, do you have any idea how much a decent private preschool costs these days?)

Are you one of the unfortunate many who can afford to live in the home you are in now? Then you are a clear victim of your own insatiable responsibility. But you can certainly avoid this unfortunate situation in the future if you are willing to make some of the following changes:

1. Stop making those foolhardy down payments. All those do is reduce your monthly mortgage leaving you unqualified for a government bailout. 
2. Just sign the papers. You can use the time you save by not reading them to hit a no-money-down, no-payments-‘till-2009 furniture sale on your way to your new home and start living in style right away! 
3. Make sure you buy the house you really want. Don’t worry whether or not you can really afford it, Uncle Sam will be there to help out if it’s a problem.  
4. Always assume your house value will rise forever. Even though that has never happened before, it probably will this time. 
5. And finally, if a deal sounds too good to be true, it probably is. But it doesn’t matter!

J.

“O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree, Thy Were Harvested Using Advanced Watershed Management Practices…”

How can you be certain that your Christmas tree was produced in an earth-friendly, environmentally sensitive manner? An Oregon group called the “Coalition of Environmentally Conscious Growers” (CECG) is here to help by certifying that the tree that you hauled to your 5000-square-foot home atop your seven-passenger SUV was produced with as little impact on the environment as possible.

This is part of the latest trend in environmentalism: The mitigation of harmful levels of middle-class guilt.  Years of prosperity have brought this serious mental health hazard to the fore and groups like the CECG were created to deal with it by assuaging these feelings in a manner that is carefully crafted so as not to upset the delicate balance between your brand new 53” high-def plasma television and your digital Dolby 5.1 surround sound system.  Unlike carbon credits (one of the earliest attempts at guilt mitigation), this program doesn’t require that you make even a token sacrifice of writing out a check, only that you look for a tree with the CECG tag on it.

Of course, there are hurdles that the CECG has to overcome to convince buyers that a Christmas tree is good for the environment the biggest being that, 

YOU’VE JUST CUT DOWN A TREE.

But that doesn’t mean that you can’t offset that little environmental contretemps. How, you ask? What method of Christmas tree production is so obviously pro-green that you can actually feel good about cutting it down?

Did someone say “helicopters?!”

That’s right, as any card-carrying member of the environmental movement will tell you once they unchain themselves from the earthmoving equipment, if you want to establish your environmental bona fides, bring on the helicopters! (And while you’re at it, why not ditch those noisy, greenhouse-gas-emitting chainsaws and go harvest trees with something more Gaia-friendly, like bazookas!) 

But then the real purpose of these kinds of programs is not to actually help the environment, but to help you feel as if you are helping the environment. As Joe Sharp, co-founder of the CECG pointed out, "Now when consumers buy a tree, they can be sure that the tree was grown with the best intentions for the environment in mind." 

In other words, you are free to deforest the countryside so long as your heart is in the right place. 

Of course, the CECG could be more straightforward and point out that Christmas trees are like any other renewable farm crop and you might as well say a prayer of repentance every time you buy a head of cabbage (“Cole Slaw is Murder!”). But there’s no marketing edge in hanging a tag on a tree that says “quit whining, it’s just a salad with lights”

As such, the more cynical among you may be suspicious of the true motivations behind the “Coalition of Environmentally Conscious Growers,” but rest assured that it was founded by two wholly impartial organizations that happened to be Oregon’s largest Christmas tree producers, Holiday Tree Farms, Inc., and Yule Tree Farms both of which, coincidentally, have for years offered trees that meet the new standards easily.

Imagine the odds!

In that spirit, we would like to officially announce the formation of the “Coalition of Environmentally Conscious Bloggers,” which will certify, among other things, that your cat picture postings and reviews of the latest Grey’s Anatomy do not in any way contribute to reductions in biodiversity or worsening soil erosion.

And as luck would have it…

J.

“celebrating” is so last century

Not wanting to miss any opportunity to extract some small measure of misery out of a world overrun with joy and happiness, the Seattle School District this week cautioned its students to be wary of being too happy this Thanksgiving and provided them with a series of “myths and facts” including:

Myth #3: The colonists came seeking freedom of religion in a new land.

Fact: The colonists were not just innocent refugees from religious persecution. By 1620, hundreds of Native people had already been to England and back, most as captives; so the Plimoth colonists knew full well that the land they were settling on was inhabited.

And, 

Myth #11: Thanksgiving is a happy time.

Fact: For many Indian people, “Thanksgiving” is a time of mourning, of remembering how a gift of generosity was rewarded by theft of land and seed corn, extermination of many from disease and gun.

There is no reason why Seattle public school administrators shouldn’t use this same "myth-busting" technique as a template for other American “holidays,” most of which have for far too long been presented to an unwitting populace as unchallenged celebrations.

And we are only too happy to help get them started: 

Independence Day 

Myth #1: The Declaration of Independence received its final signatures and was ratified by colonial representatives on July 4^th, 1776.

Fact: While we have traditionally celebrated Independence Day on the fourth of July, many students may be surprised to learn that America is actually a patriarchal society organized to serve the imperialist needs of its capitalist overlords.

Columbus Day 

Myth #13: Remembering that “In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue” helps students remember when Christopher Columbus discovered America.

Fact: While a catchy rhyme, students should be reminded that America continues to lack comprehensive nationalized health care and is a major contributor to global warming.

New Years Day

Myth #8: January 1st marks the first day of each new year

Fact: Many parts of the world use a different calendar and so January 1st is merely another day of struggling under the oppression of western cultural hegemony.

Veterans Day 

Myth #7: Veterans Day is meant to honor and celebrate those who have served their country, ensuring its safety so that we may all benefit from the fruits of liberty and freedom.

Fact: Bush lied, people died.

Christmas

Myth #5: December 25th has long been celebrated by Christians and is intended to mark the birth of Jesus Christ.

Fact: Oh my God, you just said “Jesus” in a public school! Oh my God, I just said “God” in a public school. Oh my God, I just did it again. And again! Oh my God…

Happy Day of Atonement everyone!

J.

but for all this annoying democracy...

There’s a new kind of “hatred” in this country, a hatred borne of the worst impulses of humanity, a hatred that represents a giant step backwards in our progress towards a civil, fair, truly inclusive society:

The hatred of rewarding illegal behavior.

So says New York Representative Jose Serrano who described New York Governor Elliot Spitzer’s ill-fated plan to provide illegal aliens with New York driver’s licenses as having fallen “victim to ignorance, indifference, and, yes, hatred.”

What is it that drives normally pleasant, civilized people to such extremes of law abidance? These are after all the very same neighbors who keep their lawns nice, wave to you as you pass by, and volunteer to handle the refreshments for Wednesday’s PTA meeting and yet somehow turn into maniacal supporters of the long since discredited notion that people who don’t obey the law should be treated in a manner not wholly consistent with reward.

Governor Spitzer accused opponents of his plan of engaging in “fear mongering.” Many of these people went so far as to brazenly monger the fear that providing people in this country illegally with legal identification could easily lead to providing people in this country illegally with legal identification.

Sure, that sounds crazy, but it’s exactly that kind of “hysteria” that Representative Jerrold Nadler warned us about.

Perhaps an even more troubling question to emerge from this unfortunate episode is what does it say about our political process that a small but vocal group of 65% of the population can so easily influence the positions of our elected representatives? Are we simply going to allow public policy to be subject to the whims of this far-center wing of the moderate political spectrum? Are we going to allow, for example, 84% of Ohio residents to determine the public policy for all 100%? 

Is that really the lesson of “democracy” we want to send out to the world?

No, says, Presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton, who unequivocally stated that… wait, sorry, what she meant to say was… no, that’s not right either. Wait, yes, she believes that, no, had it wrong again…, okay, got it now, she is strongly in favor of the Governor’s proposal. Um, proposal to not propose it.

And you can count on that.

Whatever it is.

For now.

For their part, proponents of the measure pointed out that while there may be many legitimate concerns surrounding the issue of undocumented workers it is essential that we remember that we are not talking about hardened criminals, we are talking about attractive 20-year-old college students.

And that is something we as Americans can all rally around.

J.

top 5 reasons rudy giuliani received an endorsement from pat robertson

How did the socially liberal Rudy Giuliani manage to secure the endorsement of Christian conservative Pat Robertson?

1. He knows that Rudy firmly believes that marriage is a sacred bond between one man and one woman. At a time.
2. After carefully examining the polling data he realized that after years of war, scandal, and controversy, the American people were demanding, above all else, that their next president wear a dress.
3. Any Yankees fan who can state publicly that he will be rooting for the Boston Red Sox in the World Series is undoubtedly imbued with the Christian spirit of redemption and forgiveness.
4. By cleverly leaving his city vulnerable to terrorist attack, Rudy helped further the Lord’s work in wreaking his righteous vengeance upon the baby-killing evolution-teaching separation-between-church-and-state-propounding secular feminist Rosie-O’Donnell-watching gay-sex-having ACLU-belonging Jewish-being residents of New York.
5. What with his pre-millenarian dispensationalist views and Old Testament beliefs in the Final Battle of Armageddon, the Day of Judgment, and the Apocalypse, he figured he might as well have some fun before it’s all over:
   

   I was fundraisin' when I wrote this
   Forgive me if it goes astray
   But when I woke up this mornin'
   Could have sworn it was judgment day

   The sky was all purple
   There were pagans runnin' everywhere
   Tryin' to run from the destruction
   You know I didn't even care

   They say one thousand zero, zero, party over,
   Oops, out of time!
   So tonight I'm gonna party like it's 1099!

Great, now TAFKATAFKAP (The Artist Formerly Known As The Artist Formerly Known As Prince) is probably going to sue us.

J.

top 10 reasons hillary clinton won’t release her white house papers

Why has Hillary Clinton resisted calls from her opponents to release her White House papers?

1. Sandy Berger can only stuff so much down his pants at one time.
2. They might provide additional material to Democratic primary challengers most of whom are big old meanies anyway.
3. There is potential that her true sexual orientation will be revealed and there is no telling how her core Democratic constituency will react once they discover that she is heterosexual.
   
4. It’s mostly a manpower issue particularly since organizing and cataloguing the vast quantity of her husband’s presidential papers is complicated by the fact that about 90% of them consist of phone numbers written on cocktail napkins.
5. She wants to avoid, at all costs, revealing the truth that she got her famous chocolate chip cookie recipe off the back of the package of chocolate chips like the rest of us.  How important is this? Let’s just say Vince Foster knew the truth.
6. Three words: Walter. Mondale’s. Endorsement.
7. The temporary workers she hired to speed up the process can’t seem to get driver’s licenses to get to work.
8. It’s all part of the campaign’s effort to soften her image. “You big ol’ boys couldn’t possibly have any interest digging through my lil’ ol’ papers now could you? There might be some of my unmentionables in there, oh my gracious!”
9. Papers include the never-published sequel to the former First Lady’s book, “Dear Socks, Dear Buddy: Kids’ letters to the First Pets,” called, “Dear Hillary, Dear Bill: Socks' Letters to the First Couple,” including such selections as the delightful “Why did you abandon me?” to the equally enchanting, “I heard from Buddy, he thinks Bill is trying to kill him, make it look like an ‘accident,’ just like all the others...”
10. Once the archivists are done getting everything together you know what they’re going to expect don’t you? They’re going to expect a tip. 

J.

unidentified falling objects

Probably the most surprising revelation to come out of the Democratic debate Tuesday night was that several of the presidential candidates admit to having once sighted Dennis Kucinich.

“Look, I’m not going to make any more of it than there is,” remarked Senator Barack Obama, responding to a question from NBC moderator Tim Russert (Look for his latest book expected to hit the shelves in time for the holidays, “Wisdom of my Publisher: More Crap People Sent Me About Their Fathers That I Can Recycle Into a $25 Book).   

The Senator continued, “I’m not some kind of nut, but I did catch a glimpse of something I couldn’t explain, smaller than a human, certainly. It may sound crazy to those who haven’t experienced it but I don’t know what else you’d call it other than Dennis Kucinich.”

“Also, Hillary Clinton voted for the Iraq war and I didn’t, neener neener.”

And the Senator was not alone on the stage. Former vice presidential candidate John Edwards, after obligatorily pointing out that Hillary Clinton never apologized for voting for the Iraq war and he did, neener neener, felt emboldened enough to relate his own experience, “It was just before the Democratic debate in April. It was dark, and it moved quickly. Can I be sure it was Dennis Kucinich? I don’t think anyone can ever be sure, but I know what I saw.”

It is also believed that Joe Biden weighed in on the subject but most viewers lapsed into a temporary coma too quickly to have remembered anything he said.

The most notable exception to those claiming to have seen Dennis Kucinich was front runner Hillary Clinton. “Well, I can say with certainty that I don’t ever recall having seen Dennis Kucinich. I also never recall having seen Kathleen Willey, Paula Jones, Gennifer Flowers, Monica Lewinsky, Sally Purdue… wait, where was I? Oh yes, I’m afraid my colleagues here are simply misinformed if they think they have ever seen Dennis Kucinich or if they think they’re ever going to see my White House papers before the election.”

For his part, Dennis Kucinich noted that, “Hey, I can hear you, you know, I’m standing right here.”

Is it possible that these admissions will hurt the candidates as polls suggest that only about 2% of Americans themselves admit to having heard of Dennis Kucinich never mind seen him? 

Maybe, but perhaps there are some things that no one ever wants to admit, even if only to themselves. 

J.