Planet Moron

CONSENSUS WATCH – 2/8/2010

An ongoing series dedicated to vigorously monitoring emerging threats to The Consensus that global warming is real, caused by humans, and must be addressed at all costs.

Because without Consensus, scientific conclusions could be challenged by people demanding hard data.

While we continue to dig ourselves out from under two feet of wet, heavy, anthropogenic global warming here at Planet Moron headquarters, we take comfort in knowing that frequent record-breaking snowfalls do not in any way suggest that global warming is anything but real.

Which is not to say that mild winters don't prove it is real, of course.

This is important to remember, as it has been revealed lately that much of the science underpinning The Consensus didn’t come from “research” in the traditional sense of the word, but rather from more unorthodox sources, such as magazine articles, college student homework assignments, press releases, and idle conjecture.

Sure, that might sound bad taken out of context, but what skeptics fail to appreciate is that the whole purpose of establishing consensus in the first place is to take the science part out of the equation. That way we can move forward with what’s really important: Maintaining levels of hysteria necessary to spur legislative action.

Besides, according to Jean-Pascal van Ypersele, vice chairman of the UN’s Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC), the errors and fabrications are actually positive developments noting that such mistakes :

"…Could increase the credibility of the IPCC, not decrease it. Aren't mistakes human? Even the IPCC is a human institution."

(We don’t suggest you try that at work unless there is already a consensus with your bosses that you’re doing a good job.  Kind of like with Tim Geithner.)

Given the unconventional nature of global warming science, it is important that Consensus supporters be prepared for additional revelations including some of the following:

Claim: Sea levels will rise in the coming decades, swamping coastal cities.
Source: Something James Hansen thought he saw while watching “The Day After Tomorrow” on his new Blu-ray player.

Claim: Polar Bears are resorting to cannibalism.
Source: Nostradamus.

Claim: Global warming could cause malaria as far north as Germany.
Source: A flyer Michael Mann saw in Berlin for the post-punk German band, “Malaria.”

Claim: We must reduce carbon emissions or we are all doomed.
Source: The image of Al Gore miraculously appearing one morning in a bowl of Rajendra Pachauri’s Wheatena.

Claim: Tree ring data proves CO2 causes global warming.
Source: Hidden message found when you play the Beatles “Revolution 9” backwards.

Also, Paul is dead.

Claim: Hurricanes will increase in frequency and intensity unless we transition our power generation away from carbon sources and toward wind turbines.
Source: An advertisement from wind turbine manufacturer, Southwest Windpower.

Naturally, skeptics will continue to blow these discoveries all out of proportion claiming that they are some kind of indictment on The Consensus.  Unfortunately, these appeals to reason and common sense do occasionally gain traction with the lay public, unfamiliar as they are with the scientific process, so just in case, supporter of climate change legislation have a back up plan:

Make believe it’s a jobs bill.

Remember, Consensus means never having to say you’re sorry. Or wrong.

J.

Are you digging yourself out of several feet of global warming too?  Don’t forget our “My parents fought Global Warming and all I got was this lousy sweatshirt!” along with all our Consensus Watch merchandise.  Remember, the earth is getting hotter, so be sure to bundle up!

We Understand They Also Believe Strongly In Family Values

The Good News: Republicans are taking a principled stand demanding fiscal responsiblity.

The Bad News: No one told the Republicans.

Senator Richard Shelby has placed a hold on ALL of President Obama’s nominations in order to get $40 billion worth of Air Force refueling tankers built in his state.

This may not sound fiscally responsible at first, but you have to balance this out with the Senator’s long career and established record of saying that he supports fiscal responsibility:

“As a strong proponent of government fiscal responsibility, Senator Shelby has consistently opposed Congress’s efforts to bailout private corporations with taxpayer dollars.”

Instead, the Senator supports fiscally responsible spending of your taxpayer dollars such as $872,000 for the catfish genome project and $440,000 for the Tri-state joint peanut research program.

In fact, Richard Shelby comes in third in Congress for spending taxpayer dollars in a fiscally responsible manner so it’s clear the Senator knows what he’s talking about when he points out that:

“President Obama’s rhetoric on fiscal responsibility unfortunately lacks credibility.”

The kind of credibility you can only establish if, like Senator Shelby, you’ve managed to have a building named after you and your wife because you donated $40 million of other people’s money to help construct it.

While small-government fiscal conservative types might wonder why they should enthusiastically support establishment Republican candidates, the GOP has a new campaign slogan ready to go to ensure you are properly motivated:

J.

It’s Like Watergate and Abscam Rolled Into One Except For The Crime Part

The scandal continues to rock Washington DC from one end of Pennsylvania Avenue to the other:

The Administration’s crude, insensitive, foul-mouthed Chief of Staff was found to have said something crude, insensitive and foul-mouthed!

In a private conversation no less.

Specifically, Rahm Emanuel was said to have referred to left-leaning Democrats threatening to run ads against more moderate Democrats, as being "f#@%ing retarded."

Call it: Retardgate.

Naturally, this is offensive to the developmentally disabled, or more specifically, to those whose job it is to be offended on behalf of the developmentally disabled (for all we know, some developmentally disabled people agree that leftist Democrats engaging in intra-party self-immolation are retarded).

Desperate to save his job amid the brewing controversy, Emanuel has not only apologized twice, but has agreed to join an effort to rid our country of the word itself.

Okay, so it’s not curing cancer, but it does fit in nicely with the Administration’s general hostility towards speech with which it disapproves.  (Next up:  “Socialist.”)

Despite his efforts, Tim Shriver, chairman of the Special Olympics has not accepted Emanuel's apology.

Hey, you catch a tiger by the tail, you don’t let go.  You hang on and milk it for all its worth!

Even Sarah Palin, who courageously rejects “politically correct” speech, courageously endorses “Paliny correct” speech and has called for his dismissal.

While we here at Planet Moron never use the word ourselves, believing it to be crude, we are not without sin given that the definition of “moron” includes “a person of mild mental retardation having a mental age of from 7 to 12 years.”

And since we all know that the very foundation of free speech rests upon the notion that we never say anything that anyone anywhere might find potentially offensive in any way, we are committed to finding a new name.

Among the candidates:

Planet Neurologically Challenged

Planet Significantly Impaired Cognitive Functioning

Planet Thinks We Can Borrow Our Way To Prosperity

Planet Taxing The Rich Will Create Jobs

Planet Harry Reid

Catchy?  No.  Usefully descriptive?  Not really.  But none of that is important. What is important is that we all carefully censor ourselves lest we cause offense.

As for Emanuel, the only thing that remains unresolved is whether he will be tried in the court of public opinion or whether he will instead face a military tribunal of opinion.

Regardless, we might need to make some more room in Guantanamo Bay.

J.

Standing On The Merits Of Your Argument Might Be One Way To Go. But Shrieking Hysterically Works Too.

Planet Moron has managed to get itself on numerous crackpot email lists over the years.  You know the kind, Nigerian bank scams, mortgage ripoffs, Democratic Governors Association donation appeals…

A particular one caught our eye this week, not so much for its sober tone and serious nature as for the respect, deference, and old-fashioned class it shows towards those with whom they may disagree:

 

Let’s take a look a closer look:

“Tea Party hysteria has snowballed into a truly dangerous third-party political force… they're skewing elections across the nation.”

We must stop these this truly dangerous third-party political force from “skewing” elections!

With their votes.

It's not clear how they plan to do that, but they might have some ideas.

“Can you imagine the havoc they would wreak if they took office en masse? If they had their way, how many states would even stay in the U.S.?”

We can only think of two: Manitoba and Saskatchewan.  Wait, those are in Canada.  Okay, they’re right, in all likelihood, 50 states would secede from The Union.  (Which would be really awkward for Washington DC.)

“After the GOP won two Democratic governorships and, just last month, took Ted Kennedy's U.S. Senate seat (after 57 years in Democratic hands), the Far Right thinks they have the momentum to defeat us this November.”

And why do they think that?  Because they won two Democratic governorships and, just last month, took Ted Kennedy's U.S. Senate seat (after 57 years in Democratic hands),…

“These angry, extremist Teabaggers…”

If you knew where the term “teabagger” came from you’d be pretty steamed too!

“…will go to any length to crush every inch of President Obama's agenda.”

That’s not really a slur to these folks.  That’s a fundraising appeal.

 

“But, as they've done continuously since being booted from power, Republicans are fighting to steer us back to the failed policies and fear tactics of the Bush-Cheney-Rove era.”

We say, if you’re going to go that way, you might as well go big: 

“The Bush-Cheney-Rove-Nixon-Hoover-Hitler-Attila-Caligula era!!”

“Republicans are going to the lowest lows -- lying, cheating, smearing -- to destroy the achievements we've fought so hard for.”

If you are a Republican you are no doubt deeply offended that anyone would think Republicans would cheat.

“Each voice added to yours and mine will build the power of our message and create a potent antidote to the Tea Party's hate-filled political hysteria.”

Okay, that’s just projection.

So, to sum up:

Dangerous, Far Right, angry, extremist Teabaggers self-serving kowtow, obstructionists outrage, destructive failed policies, lowest lows, lying, cheating, smearing destroy shameful dangerous political games callous power-hungry.

Contribute!

They do make a sound, compelling argument, incorporating the five main elements of classical Greek structure:

Introduction
Accusation
Condemnation
Hyperventilation
Ask For Donation

In other gubernatorial campaign news, California Republican primary candidate and current Insurance Commissioner, Steve Poizner, accused his opponent, Meg Whitman, of bribes, threats and extortions and forwarded his complaint to the U.S. Attorney General, state Attorney General, and FBI, prompting Whitiman’s campaign manager to respond, "I'm starting to worry about (the) commissioner's mental condition."

We’re sure things will become much more civil as we get closer to November.

J.

You Are Free To Say Anything You Want. As Long As You Have Prior Approval From The Proper Authorities, Of Course.

Undeterred by recent setbacks in its effort to rid us of the dangers of excessive free speech, the Obama Administration has decided to crack down on Dr. Leslie Baumann, a dermatologist and researcher who had the impertinence to express an opinion that had not been previously approved of by the government.

Upon being made aware of Dr. Baumann’s seditious viewpoint mongering regarding a new anti-wrinkle drug, Dysport, The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) sprang into action and sent a warning letter (pdf) to Dr. Baumann pointing out that “these promotional communications are in violation of the Federal Food, Drug and Cosmetic Act (Act) and FDA’s regulations 21 CFR 312.7(a).”

We know what you’re thinking, “Please tell us more about the Federal Food, Drug and Cosmetic Act and FDA’s regulations 21 CFR 312.7(a), we find the dry recitation of federal statutes fascinating!”

Also, “You aren’t very good at picking up on sarcasm, are you?”

This regulation specifically states that any “sponsor or investigator… shall not represent in a promotional context that an investigational new drug is safe or effective for the purposes for which it is under investigation or otherwise promote the drug.”

Of course, this only applies if you are, like Dr. Baumann, a sponsor or investigator. Otherwise, you can pretty much say anything you want.

In other words, the federal government believes it is in the public’s best interest to allow the people who know the most about a drug to say the least, and those who know the least, to say the most.

Which does at least explain why Barney Frank is in charge of banking regulation.

While we hesitate to reprint Dr. Baumann’s words for fear of doing further damage, we feel it is important that you appreciate first hand, the severity of her offense.  According to the FDA, she made the following statement on The Today Show:

“It’s time that we have something that lasts a little bit longer, and I’m hoping that the minute the FDA approves this, I’ll be able to use it in my practice.”

 A warning letter?  For this brazen violator of the Federal Food, Drug and Cosmetic Act and FDA’s regulations 21 CFR 312.7(a)?  How about some warning imprisonment instead?!

And Dr. Baumann’s communication crime spree didn’t end there.  The FDA also caught her saying in a magazine article:

“Reloxin, the new Botox, will likely come out later this year. Early data shows it may last longer and kick in faster than Botox. It will be nice to have competition on the market—the Botox people (Allergan) raised their price another 8 percent this year!”

You know you like to think you can keep your children safe from this kind of thing, but there she was, Dr. Leslie “Bonnie Parker” Baumann, recklessly suggesting that people might want to consider this new drug. What if someone took the drug?  Okay, they couldn’t, because it hasn’t been approved yet for sale. But what if someone thought about taking this drug?  What then? 

No, seriously, what then, because we’re not 100% sure.

Of course, free-speech extremists might point out that you could always just permit the doctor to speak her mind and rely on individuals to weigh her opinion against her obvious self-interests, her reputation, the efficacy of her past recommendations, and the opinions of other experts they have grown to trust, all available as never before with the advent of the Internet and information technology. 

Yeah, you could do that.

But isn’t it better to let the government preemptively make it illegal for her to disseminate information of which it disapproves?

It's just so messy the other way.

J.

NASA: Not About Space Anymore

Administration officials this week announced that they were going to kill NASA’s manned moon mission, envisioned as an eventual platform for the exploration of Mars, and choose instead to focus on developing commercial space transport and performing maintenance of the International Space Station (ISS).

Clearly, the White House recognizes how important it is that we inspire the next generation of scientists and explorers, to instill in a young child the dream of one day breaking free of the bonds of gravity that hold us tightly to this rocky plane, and soaring off into the outer reaches of low earth orbit to deliver a payload of spare valves and CO2 scrubbers.

Another new focus of the space program will be to stop going into space.  At least under our own power, as the White House plans to proceed with the decommissioning of the space shuttle fleet by the end of this year, leaving the United States without any means of sending astronauts to the ISS, which the US largely built and championed.  But not to worry, we can still get there as long as the Russians let us hitch a ride with them.

As the President said in his State of the Union Address this week, he will “not accept second place for the United States of America.”

Third place, however, remains on the table.

A formal announcement has yet to be made, but we were privy to an excerpt of an early draft of the President’s planned remarks on his decision, which he patterned after one of his role models, John F. Kennedy:

...But why, some say, low earth orbit? Why choose this as our goal? And they may well ask why stroll up a modest hill? Why take a bus uptown? Why does Oregon play Portland State?

We choose to go into low earth orbit. We choose to go into low earth orbit in this decade and do the other things, not because they are hard, but because they are easy, because that goal will serve to organize and measure the most pedestrian of our energies and skills, because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one we’ve already done over and over and over again.

It is for these reasons that I regard the decision to shift our efforts in space from leading the way to the moon and Mars, to begging the Russians to take us to our own space station, as among the most important decisions that will be made during my incumbency in the office of the Presidency.

We have seen facilities now being created for the greatest and most complex exploration in man's history. We have felt the ground shake and the air shattered by the testing of a ChangZheng 4 booster rocket, many times as powerful as the Fengbao 1. We have seen the site where the Long March 7 vehicles are being sent into space from the Xichang Satellite Launch Center.

So why try to match that?  The growth of our science and education will be much more enriched by our new focus on going round and round in orbit. Next to some Russians.

Many years ago the great British explorer George Mallory, who was to die on Mount Everest, was asked why did he want to climb it. He said, "Because it is there."

Did you catch the part where he died?

And, therefore, we ask God's blessing for the Chinese, the Russians, the Indians, and so on, as they set sail for the most hazardous and dangerous and greatest adventure on which man has ever embarked.

Us?  We’ve got some windows to insulate!

The President’s plan also includes placing greater emphasis on having private companies take a leading role in going into space.

Because as we all know the proper role of government is to make automobiles, run banks, and decide what kind of health care we should have.

Space?  That is clearly more appropriately handled by the free market.

And the Chinese.

J.

Advocates Of Free Speech Exercise Their Rights Of Free Speech By Continuing To Criticize Expansion Of Free Speech

Many Democrats remain outrageously outraged with the Supreme Court ruling that found that incorporated entities such as businesses, labor unions, and advocacy groups, mysteriously retain the free speech rights of their organizers, believing this is “breaking precedent.”

No, not that precedent.  

The one, from 2003:

How about you try showing a little respect for the historical foundation of our republic and the timeless figures from our past who helped shape it? McCain, Feingold, Stevens, O’Connor… You know, the giants.

Some expressed disappointment that Justice Roberts, who put together 5 votes for the decision, wasn’t being more of a “consensus builder,” like, say, Justice Stevens, who put together a consensus of 4 votes in opposition.

Their fury was further stoked when Justice Alito was seen to mouth the words, “not true” as the President criticized the Court’s decision during his State of the Union address.

As Delaware Senator Ted Kaufman remarked, it was “totally classless.”

You know what is classy?

Viewing the position of United States Senator as a temp job by agreeing to keep the seat warm for your former boss’s son for a couple of years, as if you were helping him hide a super-special birthday present until the big day.

And then having the son decide he doesn’t want daddy's stupid Senate seat present after all.

Okay, that last part isn’t classy.

But it is funny.

For his part, Senator Patrick Leahy said that the court’s ruling “risks corrupting our political process."

We guess he meant, "again."

When confronted with these kinds of complex fee speech issues, we here at Planet Moron, prefer to err on the side of not having the government tell us who can say what, when, under what circumstances, through which medium and with whose money. 

But hey, that’s what makes us radicals, right?

J.

“Who Is This ‘Vick Tory’ Guy You Keep Talking About And What Does He Have To Do With Iraq?”

This country has long marked “V-J Day” (Victory over Japan) and “V-E Day” (Victory in Europe), but based on what President Obama said last night, it looks like we’re going to have to add another such day to our calendar later this year:

E-I Day! 

Ending in Iraq Day.

How is it ending?  The President wasn’t specific.  All we know is that the he pledged that this war would end in ending, and true to his word, he announced in his State of the Union speech that, “this war is ending.”

To our brave men and women, the President said, “they have our respect, our gratitude, our full support.“

For whatever it is they did over there.

In other news, it was reported that the President snuck out of the White House the other night to help coach his older daughter’s struggling basketball team, and was overheard giving them a pep talk at halftime:

“I know things look tough now, but I think we can still end this game.  If we stick to the basics, and pull together as a team, ending can still be ours.  Are you with me?  Now let’s go out there and end this thing!  End! End!  End!  Yeaaaahhh!!”

We’re not sure how the game turned out, but we’re sure it was their biggest end of the season.

J.

2010 Washington DC Auto Show

Imagine if Code Pink were to organize a military arms expo. Sure, the dealers would do their best to appear cheerful as they try to peddle their rocket launchers and troop carriers, but they'd know all too well where they really stand in the scheme of things as large portions of floor space are turned over to displays extolling the virtues of diplomacy, the promise of appeasement, and a future in which arms will be rendered obsolete.

That pretty much sums up theWashington DC Auto Show.

Long-time readers, and there are some (even a few who are not directly related) know I've held this view for some time.  Whether it was greeting patrons with the latest in mass transit options, a crushed automobile, a message about diminishing fossil fuels, or back in 2006 when they tried to rebrand it “The Congressional Auto Show,” organizers have overtly tried to give the event a “Washington personality,”  which is kind of like trying to give a pastrami sandwich a “vegetarian personality,” or Al Gore a, well, just a “personality.” (Okay, bad example.)

The 2010 edition is no different. Even before I attended I was greeted with this breaking headline from their web site:

First-Ever Car Powered by Government Paper Waste Makes Debut at Washington Auto Show

If that doesn't fill you with wild and unruly passion, you probably like cars.

When you first enter the initial hall (it's held on two floors) you know exactly where the emphasis is.

Cars that don’t necessarily exist yet!

While every crackpot idea and/or farm belt boondoggle was represented, from biofuels to hydrogen to ethanol, electric was the clear star:

I have seen the future!

And it sucks!

A lot.

You know, if you're trying to sell the American public on the future of electric vehicles, you should try and not be so honest about what the future of electric vehicles really looks like.

Chrysler's old discredited past:

Chrysler's vibrant exciting future!

Or should that be “future.”

Here is the Chevy Volt:

The concluding remarks made by the presenter (paraphrased only slightly): “I can’t tell you what the price is, or when it will be available, but I can tell you one thing: It comes with a $7500 tax credit!”

 The car isn’t available yet and its chief selling point is that it comes with a rebate. A government rebate. Meaning you are giving yourself a rebate to encourage yourself to buy a car you don’t want.

And here I thought the federal government was incapable of finding a new reason for me to want to repeatedly ram my head into a wall until the sweet peaceful darkness of unconsciousness overtakes me.

Fortunately, the show wasn’t all about hating the automobile so much you want to transform it into a passionless yet efficient ovoid blob. There were actual dealerships there displaying their wares.

There were, for instance, the Toyota Corolla and Camry.

Upside: Stylish, practical and priced right!

Downside: Too dangerous to sell!

We wonder if that will affect the resale value...

The Jeep Wrangler “Islander” edition:

 Ah, if only I were 25 years younger.  And a girl.

Here is an area set aside just in case 16 children with expansive notions of personal space show up:

Now this is more our speed:

Not the price, that's someone else's speed entirely. I could live with the Dodge Challenger above, too.  I don’t need either one nor do I have any place to put them. But despite what they may think here in Washington, when you buy a car, you’re not purchasing an appliance.  You are making an investment in your soul.

And no, my wife doesn’t buy that either.

The Washington DC Auto Show runs through Sunday.  Despite everything, I go every year and always enjoy it.  I was pleasantly surprised that it had as many automobiles displayed as it did. It’s worth the ten bucks if you really love cars.

Just don’t let the organizers find that out. 

J.

Top Ten Ways Your Life Will Be Different With A Power Grid Designed By Bill Gates

Microsoft founder Bill Gates this past week launched a personal initiative to explore ways he could lend his particular talents, experience, and expertise to addressing the world’s energy needs with a particular focus on ways technology can be employed in the generation and delivery of electric power.

Where could this new endeavor lead?

We take a look at:

The Top Ten Ways Your Life Will Be Different With A Power Grid Designed By Bill Gates

10) There will be weekly outages so operators can reboot your local power plant.

9) It will take ten minutes to turn on the microwave.

8) In order to use the air conditioning you will have to install the proper drivers, none of which exist yet.

7) You will need to purchase expensive anti-virus software for your toaster.

6) Every time you flip on a light switch, Clippy will appear to offer assistance:

 

5) Before using your Waterpik You will have to make sure it is compatible with your hair dryer.

4) You’ll have no choice but to take the pre-bundled floor lamps and wall sconces.

3) Turning on the stereo will require an activation key.

2) People with families will be required to purchase site licenses if everyone wants to use the electricity at the same time.

And the Number One way your life will be different with a power grid designed by Bill Gates:

1) Apples’ new iPower will be better. But you won’t be able to afford it.

J.