Planet Moron

We’ve Really Started Grading On A Curve, Haven’t We…

The Boston subway operator who valiantly did not run someone over with her train is being hailed as a hero today.

The episode began when a woman fell off a subway platform and into the path of the oncoming train.  Rather than run the woman over, as perhaps a less courageous person might have done, our newest American hero somehow noticed the frantic waving of dozens of bystanders and the fact that there was a woman on the tracks and brought the train to a stop.

Now, we’d all like to think that, given the same circumstances, and at no personal risk whatsoever to ourselves, we’d also not run a woman over with our train, but until you’ve been put in that situation, how can you really know?

At a bare minimum, we believe we should honor this brave train operator with the Medal of Freedom, or as President Obama might call it, the “Medal of Honor.”

 

J.

Giving Credit Where Credit Isn’t Due

Today, we celebrate the 20^th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall, and the crumbling of the Soviet Union itself that soon followed.

What led to these momentous events?

While many argue that years of strength and steadfast resolve on the part of free nations in opposing the spread of communism, culminating in Ronald Reagan’s fierce call upon Mr. Gorbachev to “tear down this wall,” played some minor part in the eventual collapse of the Soviet Empire, what is not fully appreciated is the central role the nuclear-freeze movement played in the episode.  But for their endless calls for an immediate halt in the production of new nuclear weapons, which was completely ignored by all sides, the Berlin Wall might still be with us today.

But then, a close reading of history shows us that only through years of ineffectual protest, spurned policy proposals, and futile gestures can real progress be made in defeating a powerful and intractable foe.

For example, the success of “the surge” in suppressing violence in Iraq would never have succeeded were it not for those who vociferously opposed it at every turn.

And whom do we have to thank for the Union’s victory in the Civil War?  Lincoln?  Sure, he played a supporting character of sorts.  But it was really the Copperheads who saved the day with their relentless and uncompromising calls for an immediate peace settlement with the Confederates.

And so we salute the courageous souls who, in pursuit of the exact opposite, can still take satisfaction in seizing for themselves, the fruits of someone else’s victory.

J.

It Might Just Have To Remain A Complete Mystery

Some people are oddly dissatisfied with the obvious explanation that Major Nidal Hasan’s shooting rampage at Fort Hood was the result of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome based on nothing more than the fact that having not yet been deployed, he hadn’t actually been exposed to any traumatic stress from which he could be post.

However, since we already know that someone who was an outspoken critic of American policy in Iraq and Afghanistan, expressed sympathy towards the motivations of suicide bombers and reportedly yelled “Allahu Akbar” while gunning down American soldiers could not possibly have anything to do with a terrorist attack, we must ensure that investigators focus their efforts on far more plausible explanations:

Was involved in complex love dodecahedron.

Missed the Premier of V and feared he’d never be able to catch up.

Two words: Fishstick. Thursday.

As a lifelong Muslim, felt deep affinity for 400-year-old Catholic grievance against English Protestants.

Was lifelong Phillies fan.

While we clearly know with 100% certainty that homegrown Islamic terrorism could not possibly have been among the motivations, we can learn at least one lesson that does not in any way exploit this tragic situation for political advantage:

Guns are bad.

J.

The Buck Stopped There

To mark the anniversary of his historic election, Barack Obama spoke before students at a school in Wisconsin and gave them a real-world lesson about taking personal responsibility.

And blamed Bush.

Which got us to thinking, how might have things been different, had some of history’s great leaders adopted President Obama’s preferred approach to meeting the challenges of their times:

Alexander The Great: “There is nothing impossible to him who will try but you should keep in mind I inherited two wars.  Sure, Greece was a no-brainer, but the Persian war was a war of choice. And does Darius III get back to me about sitting down to talks without preconditions?  No. Well, except for returning the heads of my emissaries. But that doesn’t count. Except to the emissaries.”

Constitution of the United States: “We the people, in order to recover from the disastrous policies of the Cyrus Griffin administration, do ordain and establish...”

FDR: “The only thing we have to fear, are the fiscal initiatives of the previous administration which left me with the worst economic crisis since, well, ever.”

Abraham Lincoln at Gettysburg: “Four years and seven months ago, James Buchanan brought forth on this continent a mess I have to clean up.  I don’t mind cleaning up the mess, but I don’t want the folks who created the mess to do a lot of talking…”

Darth Vader: “Luke, I am your father.  I would have told you earlier but Emperor Palpatine left me with one poorly designed Death Star and another barely half built, like that’s my fault, so you can only imagine how full my plate has been dealing with his mistakes…”

J.

Just What The World Needed

Mrs. Moron and I welcomed our first baby moron into the world this morning at 5:50 AM.

Please join us in celebrating this joyous event and share in our miracle of blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda.

Regular blogging will resume once the crying, whining, and fidgeting stops.

Mine, not the baby’s.

J.

Law And Order: Predator Drone Unit

United Nations Special Rapporteur on Extrajudicial Executions Philip Alston, believes that the United States may be breaking international law by striking at military targets with Predator drones terming these operations “arbitrary extrajudicial executions.”

Sadly, the United States has a long history of engaging in this exact kind of barbaric behavior. Although kept under wraps for years by a compliant press, it is well known within military circles that the United States repeatedly broke international law during World War II, committing arbitrary extrajudicial executions in France, Italy, Germany, Japan, and North Africa.  The latter is important in that it is believed that American forces engaged in an extremely short-lived experiment in which they attempted to adopt the UN’s favored police-enforcement approach to battlefield conflicts by first asking Rommel’s advancing Panzer divisions for their license and registration.

Now before you hardcore war hawks start ranting and raving about how the UN Is going to force the military to bring ACLU lawyers with them on combat missions against terrorists in Afghanistan, they clearly would never suggest anything that would leave them open to such obvious ridicule.

Instead, they suggest that if our actions in Afghanistan against terrorists are to be successful, we must focus on being "responsive to the concerns of women, lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and intersex individuals in local contexts."

We here at Planet Moron have long believed that our response to the events of 9/11 have been hardest on women, lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and intersex individuals, although admittedly not nearly as hard as on those women, lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and intersex individuals who were unfortunate enough to find themselves in the World Trade Center that day.

And we blame Bush.

According to a United Nations report (pdf) prepared by Martin Scheinin, a special rapporteur for the U.N.'s Human Rights Council, we must also consider “the benefit of including contextual feminist perspectives in the design and implementation of counter-terrorism measures.”

 Take this guy for instance.

Clearly, he needs to put that rifle down so he can better consider the “significant adverse impacts on female family members of those subject to disappearances.”

Because we’re pretty sure he’s about to disappear someone.

But then, you know what else has significant adverse impacts on female family members?”

Getting blown up.

We’d probably push that up to the top of the priority list, but that’s just us.

J.

A Rose By Any Other Name Will Still Cost As Much

What do you believe is the biggest obstacle to getting a “public option” included in a health care reform bill?

A) It is little more than a ruse to ultimately move the country towards a single-payer plan.

B) It will bankrupt the nation like Medicare.

C) It is unfair for private companies to be forced to compete with the government.

D) Branding.

If you said "Branding", you just might be smart enough to be the Speaker of the House.

At a Florida event yesterday, Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Representative Debbie Wasserman tested out two new catchphrases, “The Consumer Option” and “The Competitive Option” to see how those do.

As the speaker pointed out, "You'll hear everyone say, ‘There's got to be a better name for this.' When people think of the public option, public is being misrepresented, that this is being paid for with their public dollars."

It is very important that the public option not be seen as being paid for with public dollars largely because the public option will almost certainly be paid for with public dollars.

While it has yet to be seen whether these new names will catch on, they are probably better than the ones that were rejected:

“The Ol’ Country Doctor Comin’ Round With His Black Bag Option” (too Norman Rockwell)

“The This Is Not A Trojan Horse To Move To A Single-Payer System Option” (too defensive)

“The My Aren’t You A Fine Looking Voter, Have You Lost Weight Option” (too patronizing)

“The Balloon Boy Option” (too topical)

“The Republicans Want You To Die Quickly Option” (too unhinged)

“The Socialist Option” (too honest)

“The Kill Kill Kill The Private Health Insurance Industry Dead Dead Dead” (way too honest)

While “The Competitive Option” and “The Consumer Option” are clearly better than those, they still both kind of leave us cold. 

How about:

“The Free Market Option.”

What?  Too old school?

J.

Top Ten Lessons We Can Learn From The Guy Who Got A DWI For Driving A Motorized La-Z-Boy Drunk

A Minnesota man plead guilty to a DWI after consuming “eight or nine beers” at a local bar and then driving his motorized La-Z-Boy recliner into a parked vehicle.

While we here at Planet Moron condemn those who risk spilling their drinks, and the drinks of others, while recklessly driving living room furniture drunk, we do believe that there are some important lessons that can be learned from this incident:

Top Ten Lessons We Can Learn From The Guy Who Got A DWI For Driving A Motorized La-Z-Boy Drunk

10) It doesn’t matter who gets to the stop sign first, a La-Z-Boy never has the right of way.

9) Chances are, this was Balloon-Boy dad's “Plan B.”

8) Why motorize a La-Z-Boy?  Because motorizing a Barcalounger would be stupid.

7) As passive restraint systems go, a bag of corn chips and a Pepsi leave much to be desired.

6) The guy offering you a ride home? If all he can talk about is his cool footrest, call a cab.

5) How do you measure the performance of a motorized La-Z-Boy? By how fast it can go from 0 to 60 cable channels.

4) If you are going to drive a motorized La-Z-Boy, be sure to regularly rotate your casters for even wear.

3) You know who suffers the most from drunk motorized La-Z-Boy driving? The children.  And slow-moving pets.  And possibly house plants.

2) 15 minutes could save you 15% or more on your car insurance.  Or would that be homeowners insurance?…

And the number one lesson we can learn from the guy who got a DWI for driving a motorized La-Z-Boy drunk is:

1) Friends don't let friends recline drunk.

J.

In The End, It’s Always The Voters Who Get Hurt The Most

We probably should have seen this breakup coming a long ways away.  All the signs were there, the building tension, the sniping, the petty slights, if only you were willing to open your eyes to the painful reality around you:

May 18, 2008: Obama Blames Fox News For Likely Kentucky Loss

September 7, 2008: Obama Blames Fox News For The Muslim Smear

October 16, 2008: Obama Blames Fox News for His Elitist Reputation

October 1, 2009: Obama Admin Blaming Fox News of Harming US Chances of Getting the Olympics

October 6, 2009: Obama Blames Fox For Embarrassing Appointees

But you know, Fox News hasn’t been completely blameless in this relationship, nagging the President over every little thing he does so that he ends up feeling like there’s nothing he can do right:

November 7, 2008: Fox News Blames Obama For Stock Market Fall

January 27, 2009: Fox News Blames Obama For Jay-Z and Young Jeezy Lyrics

April 27, 2009: Fox News Blames Obama For Teleprompter Mistake

September 29, 2009: Fox Business Blames Obama For G20 Protest Violence

You don’t see MSNBC nitpicking every little thing Obama does, do you?  No.  they know that sometimes in order to make a relationship work, you have to be willing to overlook your partner’s faults and imperfections and instead focus on the positive.

No matter.  Can’t these two crazy kids admit that they’re nuts about each other?  If only they were each willing to give in, just a little bit, maybe we could be one happy family again instead of having to spend alternate weekends watching Factor reruns.

J.

Week In Review In Free-Form Haiku

How much you should make

Pay Czar wouldn’t begin to say

Here is how much you will make.

 

Obamacare will not fund abortions

Obamacare will probably not fund abortions

Don’t hold us to that.

 

Republicans do what they’re told

Democrats think for themselves

Jealous President.

 

“Obama deserved Nobel”

Says former communist leader

Defeated by Reagan

 

Burn bunnies, eat your dog

Kermit was right

It’s not easy being green.

J.