April 29, 2005
why don’t they do something useful and combine natalie portman and lindsay lohan instead?
The unusual combination of a zebra and a donkey produced a “zonkey” in Barbados last week. This got us to thinking what other interesting combinations could be produced. Combine a hen with a donkey? You’d get a honkey. How about a dog and a cat? Well then you’d get a Korean entrée. Karl Rove and John Bolton? You'd get an extra in a Star Wars bar scene. And how about Ted Kennedy with Tiger Woods?
You’d get a golfer who can't seem to stay out of the water hazards.
April 28, 2005
the people look like ants from up here, and those are just the folks on the lower deck
Because modern air travel is not dehumanizing enough, Airbus introduced for its first flight this week the A380, the world’s largest passenger airliner, capable of carrying over 550 people in a standard three-class layout ("low," little," and "don't know the meaning of").
Taking a page from the razor industry (which next to firms pursuing erectile dysfunction remedies, engages in the world’s most technologically sophisticated research and development programs), Airbus went with two full-length decks rather than the traditional one. Why? Because the second deck will pick up all the opportunities to lose money for the airlines that the first deck always misses!
As one airline executive was quoted as saying, “Let’s say in the past you had to fly 10,000 times to be pushed into bankruptcy. With the A380 we can be on the courthouse steps, papers in hand, after maybe only 7,500. That’s an incredible gain in efficiency.”
Boeing is pursuing the opposite strategy in developing its smaller 787 “Dreamliner” pointing out that there are only a handful of routes that can accommodate the much larger A380. The size of the 787 will allow airlines to lose money on the many shorter routes that it can fly. “Sure, we concede that the A380 can lose more money on any single flight,” commented a Boeing employee, “but we make it up on volume.”
As a consumer, you make the ultimate choice.
Ours is to drive.
April 27, 2005
weapons of mass distraction
Possible reasons why Weapons of Mass Destruction were never found:
They were originally manufactured by General Motors and so had been recalled for safety defects long ago.
Saddam Hussein was playing a clever psychological game figuring, “If they think that I think that they know that I might that they, hey, I’m in a hole in the ground and crap, are those American soldiers?”
They have been spirited away to places considered sympathetic to the Hussein regime such as France or Massachusetts.
Kofi Annan’s son traded them all for Maseratis and Courvosier.
In yet another ill-advised personnel decision made by the Bush administration, O.J. Simpson was placed in charge of finding the “real” WMDs.
Iraq’s WMDs were somehow rendered invisible and impossible to detect, much like support for President Bush’s Social Security reform.
Iraq had secretly kidnapped Bob Shrum in the late ‘90s to take over administration of the WMD program. Not only did the program never recover, Hussein nearly lost his next election even though he ran unopposed as always.
April 26, 2005
snorting not recommended
Federal agents last week seized 845 pounds of illegal bologna at the Mexican border. This was an important action as bologna is considered the “gateway lunch meat” the consumption of which often leads to the harder stuff, salami, pepperoni and yes, even the dreaded pimento loaf.
And even bologna itself is not considered to be the “safe” lunch meat as is often assumed by baby boomer parents who remember with nostalgia grabbing a quick sandwich (or “sandy” in street lingo) underneath the bleachers back in high school. Sure, it’s not as bad as was often depicted, you will not grow breasts, become psychotic, or start voting for third-party candidates, but there are serious side effects including weight gain, greasy fingers, and excessive mustard consumption.
How can you tell if your child is experimenting with bologna? Does he always seem to be sucking on a mint to cover up the telltale bologna breath? Has he hung a black light Oscar-Meyer poster on his bedroom wall? These can be signs.
So while it is important work that federal agents are doing at the border, the only real way to stop lunch meat consumption is to address demand. To do this we must run public education programs ("this is your waistline, this is your waistline on bologna") coupled with treatment centers where bologna addicts can pick up allotments of sliced turkey breast to help bring them down slowly and ease the cravings.
Otherwise you’ll wake up one morning to find out that the nice kid down the street was running a clandestine deli in his basement.
April 25, 2005
prison work crew will include nap times
A video released by a family lawyer this week showed a five-year-old girl being handcuffed by Florida police officers last March after she threw a tantrum in class and struck a school official.
It’s easy to criticize these actions as excessive but one must
first consider the safety of the officers. Think about what’s going though their minds. Does this kid have cooties? Am I going to go home tonight to see my wife
or am I going to get a massive wedgie? You’re
talking about 40 pounds of sugar-sweetened, artificially flavored cereal fueled
And this child has priors. Records suggest that she has not cleaned her room on several occasions despite being asked repeatedly to do so. She has also served time in the corner for “talking back.”
So how can we avoid such situations in the future? We must train officers to defuse these situations. Rather than reach for the Tazer, give the kid a non-lethal noogie.
April 23, 2005
weekend arts & leisure 4-23-05: key west diary
7:30 AM: Wake up.
7:32 AM: Ponder implications of still being fully clothed.
7:35 AM: Get undressed, go back to sleep.
10:00 AM: Wake up, get re-dressed, go on long walk with wife taking in sights. Consider quitting jobs and moving to Key West.
10:03: Grab real estate brochure.
10:05: Consider merits of not quitting jobs.
11:15 AM: Wife wanders into cute boutique
11:17 AM: Wife looks at pair of cute $245 boutique slacks.
11:18 AM: Distract wife with suggestion to have ice
cream for breakfast. Figure you just made $241.50. (Wife figures she just scored ice cream for breakfast.)
Noon: Have bloody mary. Congratulate self for waiting until noon to drink.
2:00 PM: Hit hotel pool.
2:01 PM: Notice hotel pool has bar
2:02 PM: Drink several frozen mango specials because… you forget.
3:00 PM: Walk up Duval to meet friends, decide to drink beer on way.
3:10 PM: Still walking, decide more beer required. And cigar. If prostitutes and gambling were available would consider those too.
4:00 PM: Meet friends, hit nearby bar because you had heard it was nearby.
5:00 PM: Stumble back down Duvall, grab some food at Meteor BBQ. Continue drinking.
7:00 PM: Go up to “The Top” at La Concha to watch sun set. Because this is Key West, the setting of the sun is cause to drink.
8:30 PM: Hit Sloppy Joes. Ask wife to dance. Cover band plays Toto. Briefly consider faking war injury. Remember wife knows you. Consider faking chess injury. End up dancing to Toto.
9:30 PM: Go down street to Captain Tony’s. Note that Captain Tony is on an oxygen tank. Briefly consider consequences of a hard-drinking life. Friend calls you a wus, buys a round of shots.
11:00 PM: Hit Green Parrot, where when you say “I’ll have a Meyer’s and Tonic” they forget about the tonic. Reconsider Captain Tony’s fate.
12:45 PM: Friend buys final round of Coronas.
1:something: Go to Pizza Joe’s, whose pizza is renowned for being sold late.
something: something: Go back to hotel, lie down in bed fully clothed.
April 22, 2005
breast exposed in miami: public stunned
Sixteen women breast-fed their babies in a Miami Beach Commission meeting this week to show support for a commission candidate who was criticized for doing the same thing at an earlier meeting.
As every modern American citizen knows, breast feeding is “natural.” Of course, so is defecating and no one is gathering in broad numbers to support, say, taking a dump on Tom Delay’s seat during Congressional hearings. (But then Howard Dean hasn’t been by lately, busy as he is raising funds for the Democratic Party in New Hampshire, and Iowa, and Florida, and New York, and Pennsylvania, and Michigan, yeeeaagggghhh!)
Part of the initial criticism was due to the fact that the woman, Gabrielle Redfern, breast-fed her child during the Mayor’s State of the City address. This concern is completely valid, and people should be outraged that a woman of her education and intelligence would expose her young child to political speeches at such an early age.
What could be the consequences? Three words: The Kennedy Family.
April 21, 2005
maybe they should have tried using a dodecahedron
The United States Department of Agriculture introduced its new interactive “food pyramid” this week on the theory that if people are going to ignore the guidance provided by a simple, easily remembered graphic they will be sure to pay attention to something that requires referencing a color key, inputting a variety of personal data and navigating through assorted flash-animated levels of online hyperlinks.
With its rainbow hues and stair steps up the side, the new graphic looks like a combination dietary guideline and Mayan gay pride symbol. The vertical stripes are intended to be intuitively representative food colors. For instance, when you see purple, you naturally think “beef and beans.” (Well, you do if you’ve spent any time rooting through the refrigerator in the Planet Moron break room.)
Eric Hentges, a director of the USDA, noted that “People said the old pyramid was nice but it didn’t fit me.” The USDA apparently misunderstood since nowhere does the pyramid address whether Twinkies should be emphasized over Ho-hos or what the recommended serving portion of olives in a martini should be. (The answer is three.)
The new food pyramid also has a figure running up the steps representing physical activity. Considering the aerobic benefits you derive from having to drill through all the menus on the web that seemed superfluous.
Us? We're going to start working on that serving of olives.
April 20, 2005
probably not taking us into the next decade
Top 10 reasons why Joseph Ratzinger, at 78 years of age, may suspect he was chosen to be a caretaker pope while the Cardinals buy time to decide on a long-term replacement:
10. Told to skip foreign language lessons because “those can take months.”
April 19, 2005
news bites 4-19-05
Catholic Cardinals gathered yesterday for the first time since the
passing of Pope John Paul II to vote on his replacement. Unfortunately they had to scrap their initial
plans to use Diebold electronic voting machines when they found on a trial run that
no matter how votes were entered, George Bush was elected Pope.
Martha Stewart has reached an agreement with Sirius
Satellite radio for her own 24-hour station. The new program will broadcast homemaking and style tips to ankle home-monitoring
A major shakeup of NFL television scheduling has resulted in
a number of changes. Monday Night Football, a tradition for over three decades
at ABC will move to Sundays. Thursday
Night Football will move to Monday and a new program, “Wednesday Night
Football” will debut this fall on Tuesdays on Fox.
Despite extensive travel and frequent appearances to sell the idea, support for George Bush’s proposal to overhaul Social Security continues
to drop at a startling pace. This is reflected in recent polls that indicate an estimated 113%
of the American public now opposes the president's plan.