May 31, 2005
you only agree with me 98.5% of the time and for that you must die
The rash of attacks and suicide bombings between Shiites and Sunnis, both sects of the Muslim faith, mystify Americans. We simply find it hard to imagine such violence between, say, Methodists and Presbyterians. Just think of the mess! You’d be going through Swiffers like there was no tomorrow. (And besides, a ritualistic killing of the Thompsons would pretty much sink any chance of little Trevor getting into a decent preschool and Lord knows it’s hard enough considering he’s only in the 40th percentile in finger painting.)
It helps to think in more believable terms. Say, Lincoln Chafee rushing the podium in the Senate chamber while Tom DeLay is speaking yelling ‘Death to the fidels!” Or for that matter, Hillary going after Bill.
In fact, animosity is often heightened by familiarity. Think mothers and daughters. Think PTA board members. Think the Coyote and the Roadrunner.
What can we do about it? Foster an environment of material prosperity and consumerism; dull their senses with an endless parade of distractions and momentary pleasures. How do we do that? Who knows? We’ve still got several levels of Half Life to get through and ooh, look, Burger King has a new breakfast sandwich out…
May 30, 2005
On Memorial Day we pay honor to the sacrifices of not only the car dealers cutting prices to the bone or the mattress discounters pushing the limits of human endurance to get you a box spring you’ll be happy with but the very real sacrifices made by our men and women in uniform whose service ensures that the rest of us retain the freedom to sit at our computers and make fun of stuff.
May 29, 2005
headlines as they should be
May 28, 2005
you see a can of blue diamond almonds, i see a cyanide weapons factory
It was revealed this week that the two analysts who incorrectly supported a conclusion that aluminum tubes bound for Iraq were intended to be used in that country’s nuclear weapons program, a conclusion that is considered one of the worst intelligence failures of the lead up to the Iraq war, have been receiving performance rewards for their work.
The rewards were based on “their overall annual performance — not on a single contribution,” according to a Pentagon spokesperson. For instance, the employees can now dependably identify the fax machine as such and not a “strategic command and control switching center,” and long ago stopped tossing the coffee maker down the stairwell yelling “Fire in the hole!”
Critics note that information was readily available at the Energy Department and elsewhere that the aluminum tubes in question had long been used by the Iraqis to make rockets, however that would have required the analysts, at a minimum, to make a phone call, perhaps as many as several. Even worse, an actual physical trip involving leaving the office may have been necessary, an action clearly outside the scope of the analysts’ duties.
In fact the analysts are in line for a promotion. All they have to do is stop calling in the Hazmat teams every morning to check out the Splenda.
May 27, 2005
“the time will come for the men responsible for this to answer for their behavior''
Concerned by rumors circulating on the Internet that he might have a sense of humor, Tom DeLay expressed anger over a character in this week’s episode of “Law & Order: Criminal Intent” making an offhand joke premised on the congressman’s known antipathy towards the federal judiciary.
DeLay went so far as to write a letter to NBC President Jeff Zucker stating, “This manipulation of my name and trivialization of the sensitive issue of judicial security represents a reckless disregard for the suffering initiated by recent tragedies and a great disservice to public discourse,” thereby ensuring himself quiet dinners alone and plenty of elbow room at cocktail parties for years to come.
Which is good news for Al Gore who figures maybe he won’t stand out as much.
May 26, 2005
the qur... the kora... the qu'r... ah, you know, the muslim holy book thing
While the Newsweek story suggesting that American guards at Guantanamo had given the Quran a swirlie has been discredited, it has generated new allegations of additional abuses.
Most recently Al Jazeera broadcast a grainy video from a bookstore security camera that is currently circulating on the Internet that shows the Quran being deliberately stacked, one on top of the other, in an obvious attempt at humiliation. Christian insiders admitted to the act, but noted it was in retaliation to violations visited upon the bible by Muslims. (Also, they were running out of room in the display case.)
Apparently, a group of Muslims dressed the bible up in women’s panties and scrawled “I like men” across the front. When questioned about this allegation, two highly placed Muslims said, “Yeah, we did it because it asked us too.” “Yeah,” his companion replied, “it asked us to, because it likes men.” They then both giggled uncontrollably.
When will this cycle of violence against Holy scriptures end? Confronted with news that someone had been hitting the Torah with spitballs when it wasn’t looking, both Christians and Muslims agreed, “That’s pretty funny.”
May 25, 2005
just fill in the blanks
When trying to part a person from his or her cash, it doesn't matter whether you’re selling a political agenda or selling frozen steaks, the approach is always the same. With that in mind, we present our all-purpose fund-raising letter:
Dear fellow (Democrat/Republican/steak lover),
I am sure you share my outrage over the (compromise on the filibuster/high price of sirloin) and feel betrayed by (the Democrats/the Republicans/your butcher).
But there is something we can do about it if we act together. Send $50 now and get (membership in “save the filibuster”/membership in “stop the filibuster”/a grill lover’s combo pack). Make it $60 and we'll throw in (a free tote bag/a free tote bag).
Failure to act now could bring about dire consequences, emboldening (the right/the left/the supermarkets) to force upon us all unacceptable (Supreme Court nominees/shoulder cuts).
So join with me now so we can all work towards a better (tomorrow/T-bone).
May 24, 2005
they were reaching for their dictionaries
Employing an arcane and rarely used parliamentary maneuver called a “compromise” the United States Senate narrowly averted a potentially disastrous showdown over the filibuster rule.
Not surprisingly, West Virginia Senator Robert Byrd, noted constitutional historian and Senate rules expert, was a principle architect of the deal and first introduced the concept of compromise to the younger senators.
Arkansas senator Mark Pryor noted, “It was really something, he walked us through it slowly, well, that’s how he does everything these days, but he took us through the process where, get this, each side actually gives up something to reach some, what did he call it again, oh yes, 'middle ground.’”
Some senators even suggested reintroducing the concept of civility to Senate proceedings but that was dismissed as the obvious byproduct of sleep deprivation.
Perhaps the biggest beneficiaries of the deal will be extremist groups on the right and the left who are dependent on contributions from the perpetually offended. A result that makes no one happy makes everyone happy when it comes to creating fund-raising letters.
Coming soon to a mail slot near you!
May 23, 2005
"a wonderful savior is jesus my lord" was probably right out
In the apparent belief that Sean Hannity doesn’t have enough things to complain about, the Frenchtown Elementary School in Newark NJ, backed by the superintendent and the school board, would not allow an 8-year-old girl to sing a Rich Mullins Christian pop song at a school talent show.
In a display of our Geraldo-like dedication to investigative journalism, and with little regard for our own safety, your editors at Planet Moron downloaded the song in question “Awesome God.” Sample lyrics: "Our God is an awesome God/He reigns from heaven above/with wisdom, pow'r and love/Our God is an awesome God." It is clear how this song could be found gravely offensive to certain members of the Newark community. Music lovers, for instance. Think of Rich Mullins as a kind of Clay Aiken only without the “edge.”
Regardless, an eight-year-old singing a bad Christian pop song at a talent show is not exactly a grave threat to the establishment clause of the first amendment.
Now, the eighth amendment’s prohibition against cruel and unusual punishment is another matter entirely.
May 21, 2005
weekend arts & leisure – 5-21-05 - The Modern Baseball Experience
Every moment that the players are not on the field is now filled with VERY LOUD music. This results in conversations like this:
Fan 1: Do you think they’ll pull the pitcher here?
Fan 2: Do I want a pitcher of beer?
Fan 1: No, do you think they’ll pull the guy pitching this inning?
Fan 2: Do I want to go whipping and sinning?
Fan 1: What?
Fan 2: I’ll need more than a pitcher of beer for that!
Baseball appears to have fans that don’t frequent the ballpark much. Actual overheard conversation:
Girl: I want some
Guy: Cracker Jack?
Guy: They stopped making Cracker Jack in 1942.
It is a crime to be charged $6 for a bottle of beer. However it is a sin to watch a baseball game sober.
Major League Baseball has been taking measures to speed up the games such as having the umpire crash the pitcher-catcher conferences on the mound. Seeing as the game we most recently attended took three hours to complete, perhaps killing some Cialis commercials instead would help. After all, when the moment is right to shorten baseball games, the league will want to be ready.