like felix unger, only more murderous

Sure, he may have been a brutal dictator, but at least he was a homicidal maniac. And he likes Doritos! Now just try to hate the scamp.

Thus begins the public rehabilitation of Saddam Hussein, kicked off this week with a warm, humanizing article in GQ magazine.

The lovable sadist was a chatty fellow with his guards, going so far as to offer advice to one unmarried soldier regarding the selection of a wife. “Not too dumb, not too smart,” which coincidentally is exactly the criteria he used in choosing a Minister of Defense.

PR professionals gave Saddam high marks.  “Revealing his obsession with cleanliness was a nice touch,” observed one PR executive (who wished to remain anonymous to preserve his ability to not be beheaded). “There’s nothing quite like an endearing personal quirk to take the edge off the whole monstrous tyrant thing.” And he’s well positioned for product endorsements too with his know affinity for such items as Raisin Bran. The trick is to turn the public’s attention away from “killer of women and children” to “killer of high cholesterol and unsightly cellulite.”

The attempt to soften his image appears to be working.  A Kurdish tribal leader in northern Iraq was overheard to say, “Did you hear how he hates Froot Loops? I hate those vile things too! I can’t say I’m still not a little sore about his attempted genocidal murder of my people, but aaah, how can you stay mad at the guy?”

“And if he hadn't cut out my brother's tongue , I’m sure he’d say the same thing.”

Among other projects, UPN has a treatment in the works for a half-hour sitcom tentatively titled “Oh, Saddam!” which will revolve around the antics of a dictator with a crusty outside but an inside that’s all marshmallow. Follow his madcap adventures trying to run a wacky Muslim country with different tribes feuding over everything from where to have holiday dinner to who deserves to die for dishonoring Allah with the filthy sect they call a religion! Tuesdays at nine following “America's Next Top Model.”

Saddam was also revealed to be a budding poet. One of his works, cleared for release by the Army and Homeland Security, demonstrates his creative flair:

I am at the airport
That is where they are holding me
The place is like a fort
But the guards have the key 

They are a predictable sort
Changing shifts at three
You can jump them in the open court
Then I will be free

The piece brought Bill Moyers to tears. He plans on doing a special reading on Al Jazeera this weekend. “It’s too beautiful not to share, speaking with a powerful voice to feelings of alienation and the universal yearning for freedom.”

Despite all that has transpired these last couple of years, Saddam told his guards he believed he was still President of Iraq. When the guards protested, Saddam looked at them with a sly smile and a twinkle in his eye, “My election was every bit as legitimate as your own president’s.” He then laughed out loud. “I’ve got to start writing some of this stuff down,” he said, reaching for a pen.

J.