meet mcgruff, the crime porpoise

Police Chief Eddie Compass noted with pride this week that New Orleans is “probably the safest city in America right now."

His claim is not without historical precedent. In fact it is widely believed that street crime was virtually eliminated shortly after Pompeii was buried in volcanic ash from the eruption of nearby Mount Vesuvius. While the archeological record is not entirely clear on all the details, experts of the period have found illustrated pottery fragments suggesting that the Grand Centurion of the City Guards took full credit for the resultant drop in the crime rate. (This was shortly before he was consumed in super-heated pumice.)

The experience in New Orleans has created quite a stir in urban planning circles. Known as “The Atlantis Effect,” many are exploring the possibility of burying their own cities in 20 feet of water in an attempt to get at the root cause of crime: People.

“Basically, once you remove the people, you’ve taken care of 90% of the problem,” said one sociologist padding his resume at a seminar, “The other 10% is caused by fluoridated water.”

It wouldn’t be easy, admitted one city planner from East St. Louis, “We certainly know there would be a lot of controversy involved, and some very serious objections raised by citizens and elected officials alike. For instance, where would we get all that water?”

And of course, there are politics involved. Many Democratic Party power centers are located in heavily urbanized areas. Said one local party official in Chicago, “It’s hard enough getting the poor, the elderly, and the dead to the polls without doing it in twenty feet of water. I doubt we’ll be able to get them to vote more than twice in one day under those circumstances.” 

“That’s just petty partisanship,” reacted one Republican Party operative, “They want to play politics while we have crime running rampant all over Lake Camden, I mean, the city of Camden.”

“Besides, it will address an issue of pressing concern among my constituents: This country’s growing reliance on foreign sources of waterfront property.”

Despite the difficulties, the idea of flooding crime-ridden cities is not expected to go away any time soon. Noted one criminologist, “We’ve tried all the touchy-feely stuff; the neighborhood watches, community policing, lacing shipments of heroin with the AIDS virus we helped create in secret Israeli laboratories, and none of it has worked. “

“All we are saying, is give flooding a chance.”

J.