you could put an eye out that way

An organization called “W.A.T.C.H.,” (World Against Toys Causing Harm) has made many alarming discoveries since its founding not the least of which is that all the really good acronyms have already been taken.

But beyond that, W.A.T.C.H. each year around this time lists its “10 Worst Toys,” those toys that the organization believes are dangerous and could cause injury.

This year’s list includes such death traps as “Baby Serena” which comes with accessories, which, when disassembled, become smaller than they were and thus potential choking hazards. Our own investigation revealed that Baby Serena can also be cut up into even smaller pieces creating no fewer than 100 additional choking hazards meaning that one seemingly innocent Baby Serena is a veritable “Plaything of Mass Destruction” with the potential of taking out an entire preschool of oral age toddlers.

Also on the list is a Lord of the Rings crossbow set which hurls soft-tipped arrows at what W.A.T.C.H. describes as “high velocity.” It should be noted that any toy that has a projectile of any kind is described by W.A.T.C.H. as being “high velocity.” Do not be surprised if next year’s list includes Spongebob Squarepants Touchable Bubbles capable of launching spheres of potentially eye-stinging soapy concoctions at HIGH VELOCITY! 

Fantastic Four Thing Hands, which are big foam hands, made the list as well for their potential to cause “blunt impact injuries.” Better to use your bare fists to whale on your brother like you were planning to do.

In addition to the top 10 list, W.A.T.C.H. also has a “Watch Out” list of things to always be on the lookout for such as toys for children under 8 that use batteries as they may overheat and explode. If you’re 9, no problem, the occasional battery explosion is to be expected and builds character. But if you’re 8 and you are caught in a D-cell conflagration, well, let’s just say someone is going to be short a flash card partner in math class that day.

Also on the Watch Out list are realistic-looking toy weapons like guns as they might “promote violence.” As any parent will tell you, in the absence of these violence-promoting toys, adolescent boys will revert to a more natural state of beating each other over the head with sticks.

W.A.T.C.H. was founded by Edward M. Swartz, a trial lawyer with a heart of gold (primarily because he can afford one). Swartz is described as having “fearlessly” exposed potentially dangerous toys. Fearless is right. Let’s just say you do not want to get on the wrong side of Barbie. She has friends you know. His first book came out in 1971, “Toys That Don’t Care” and was followed up in 1986 by “Toys That Kill.” The working title of Mr. Swartz’s next book, “Toys That Ruin Your Credit Rating and Accidentally Let the Dog Out” suggests he may be mellowing somewhat.

The discussion of all these childhood dangers brought back some of our own memories, such as jumping off things “to see what happened.” Eventually something happened that suggested it was time to pursue some other recreational activity. These included hurling rock-studded dirt bombs at dear friends standing feet away and building impenetrable barriers of logs and sticks on dirt paths and then ramming bikes into them as if to prove the point.

But, thank God, at least we were not subjected to large foam hands, soft-tipped arrows, ubiquitous choking hazards (some disassembly required) and randomly detonating batteries. But, on the plus side, today you can sue toy companies.

You couldn’t sue dirt.

J.