mcdonald’s: would you like guilt with that?

Did you know that every time you eat a Chicken McNugget you are aiding in the destruction of the Brazilian rainforest? Well, if you’re eating that Chicken McNugget in the UK anyway. Here in the US you’re just aiding in the destruction of your coronary artery system.

In a “six degrees of separation” kind of indictment, Greenpeace International found that the McNuggets sold in Europe come from chickens raised in the UK which are fed soybeans distributed by Cargill which are grown by farmers in Brazil who use land that may or may not have once been rainforest.

In other words, buying a McNugget is pretty much the equivalent of personally strangling to death a Red Faced Uakari monkey (except you don’t get a choice of dipping sauce).

Greenpeace also produced a sophisticated and highly nuanced animated short that addresses the very real and vital issues of biodiversity and eco-preservation with the time-honored tradition of depicting the subject as a crazed zombie killer who talks like a small-time New Jersey hood from the 1930s. (Ken Burns utilized this very same technique when depicting Civil War General Robert E. Lee: “Yeah, sees, I’m jus gonna take dese here union soldiers and turn ‘em inta fertilizer, hahahahahaha.”)

As part of its campaign, Greenpeace has developed a number of clever plays on the McDonald’s slogan, “i’m lovin’ it,” including, “i’m loggin’ it,” “we’re trashin’ it,” and (watch for the twist here) “i’m not lovin’ it.” Hey, when you’re on a roll, you’re on a roll.

Despite the its tangential responsibility, there are a number of reasons Greenpeace specifically targeted McDonald’s:

• Poor soybean farmers are way too sympathetic what with their damn families to feed and clothe.
• Giving away “Golden Chainsaws” to Brazilian politicians wasn’t really getting anywhere with the professional 35-year-old female demographic living in the coastal American “blue” states and let’s just say these programs don’t pay for themselves.
• Thought about going after Burger King but frankly, that King character they use just freaks everyone out too much.
• Thought about going after Arby’s, but, c’mon, who eats at Arby’s? You’d do more for biodiversity sticking a pot of basil on your windowsill.
• The soybean industry doesn’t have much in the way of catchy slogans to parody. ("Because Farming Matters." What the hell are you supposed to do with that?)

What can you, as a concerned citizen of the world, do? You can help to stop McDonald’s from making soybeans out of McNuggets that Cargill, wait, that’s not right. You can refuse to buy chickens from UK farmers who eat McNuggets who… crap, I think I got it mixed up again. Something about chickens, monkeys, and Brazilians…

Oh, to hell with it. I’ll just get a Big Mac. No one can complain about that!

J.