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April 27, 2007

eight debate fate in 08

Last night the candidates for the 2008 Democratic Presidential Nomination gathered together for their first debate.

No doubt you are kicking yourself for missing it. “Dammit,” you are saying, “I was so looking forward to that. Maybe I can find it on the On-Demand menu.” 

Not to worry, we not only caught the event, but have a brief synopsis for you below. (Next week: The Republicans debate. Set those TiVos!)

Barack Obama: The Senator from Illinois believes the country wants change and he’s just the guy to bring that change. What kind of change? Health care? Foreign policy? Breaking a twenty? Not even he knows yet, but whatever that change is, he will be very charismatic about it.

Hillary Clinton: The New York Senator continues to display the warmth and sincerity for which both she and granite countertops are well known. Rumor has it that her staff tries to keep her away from events in which she would come into close and prolonged contact with voters for fear that she would leave behind only their desiccated husks. The upside for Hillary? Well, let’s just say the last time she faced a serious Republican contender she gave him cancer. Soft on terror? Not likely.

Mike Gravel: Take Dennis Kucinich’s liberalism, add in Zell Miller’s anger management issues, and you have Mike Gravel, a former politician of some sort. From Alaska. Or Canada. Whichever one of those is a state, that’s him. It’s still not clear if he is a serious candidate or whether his family has been looking for him since he wandered off the grounds in his bathrobe.

Bill Richardson: With his aggressive foreign policy stance, positive NRA rating, and anti-tax sentiments, the New Mexico Governor appeared to have accidentally wondered into the wrong debate. The Republicans are on NEXT week. Talk about an embarrassing schedule mix-up! There must be some red faces over at Richardson Campaign headquarters right about now.

John Edwards:  The former Vice Presidential candidate and self-described common man explained his recent $400 haircut by noting that when he was a kid his father had to make the family leave a restaurant because he couldn't afford the prices on the menu thus prompting every psychoanalyst watching at home to leap across his or her coffee table, knocking the merlot all over this month’s copy of Architectural Digest, all in a frantic attempt to reach for a notepad, a pen, and the DSM-IV manual.

Joe Biden: The biggest surprise from the Delaware Senator was what did not come out of his mouth. When asked if he could control his renowned penchant for verbosity, he simply said “yes” and then broke the 10 mg capsule of rocuronium bromide his campaign staff had given him to temporarily paralyze his vocal chords.

Dennis Kucinich: The Ohio Congressman continues to battle the perception that he is part Dennis Kucinich and part Dennis Kucinich.

Christopher Dodd: The Senator from Connecticut apparently couldn’t make the debate and so unfortunately missed an important opportunity to set himself apart from the pack. Correction: We have just been informed by the Senator’s staff that he was in fact there and that he really “set himself apart from the pack.” Sorry, our bad.

J.

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April 27, 2007 at 02:19 PM in Current Affairs | Permalink

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