August 28, 2008
Live Blogging the Obamonation
Well, that's the plan anyway. Other things could get in the way. Illness. Power outage. The fact that I have a bottle of Jack Daniels Single Barrel exactly a 23-second walk from the TV...
Still, check back later, you'll know if I'm here!
9:41 Wolf Blitzer just informed us that he's "been informed" that the upcoming video tribute to Barack Obama is "magnificent."
Hey, just reporting the news straight. It's his job
9:50 CNN: "People are saying, 'I just gave fifty bucks for the first time' and there were many of those people, they really built this campaign."
Well, those, and the ones who gave $500,000, $1,000,000, etc...
9:54 You know, if your opponent is getting traction, rightly or wrongly, depicting you as more celebrity than substance, you probably don’t help things by building a replica of a small Greek city state in a football stadium to herald your arrival.
And using Britney Spears’ set designer? That's just gratuitous.
1o:00 Okay. time to get serious
10:07 So far the video is an excellent presentation. If he were running for high school guidance counselor.
10:10 Ah. The cute kids. Absolutely off-limits! Except when they can be useful as political props.
10:13 That sound you just heard? 50 million Democrats breathing a sigh of relief that he didn’t come out in a toga.
10:16 "To all my fellow citizens in this great country..."
10:19 “We meet at one of those defining moments – a moment when our nation is at war, our economy is in turmoil, and the American promise has been threatened once more.
Tonight, more Americans are out of work and more are working harder for less.”
It’s like Dresden, 1945! Except for the third consecutive quarter of accelerating growth in GDP.
10:21 “More of you have cars you can’t afford to drive, credit card bills you can’t afford to pay and tuition that is beyond your reach”
Here’s a thought, just spitballing here. But maybe people shouldn’t buy houses and cars they can’t afford? Then maybe they could go to college!
Oh, wait, they do already, enrollment is at all time highs.
10:25 “We measure the strength of our economy not by the number of billionaires we have or the profits of the Fortune 500, but by whether someone with a good idea can take a risk and start a business, or whether the waitress who lives on tips can take a day off to look after a sick kid without losing her job –“
But, you know, mostly on the billionaires and Fotune 500 profits.
10:30 ““The fundamentals we use to measure economic strength are whether we are living up to that fundamental promise that has made this country great – a promise that is the only reason I am standing here tonight.”
Old economic measures: GDP, Interest Rates.
New economic measures: Waitress Days Off, Work Dignity.
“The 2nd quarter numbers are encouraging, Maria, WDOs are up sharply, offsetting last week’s modest decline in WD. We should see a stronger market at the open.”
10:32 I think he just said we should reward drunks. Seriously. I'm starting to like this guy.
10:34 “That’s the promise we need to keep. That’s the change we need right now. So let me spell out exactly what that change would mean if I am President.
“Change means a tax code that doesn’t reward the lobbyists who wrote it, but the American workers and small businesses who deserve it. "
Also, my running mate’s son. Don’t forget him. I sure didn’t!
10:35 I will cut taxes – cut taxes – for 95% of all working families."
FYI: You are probably not a part of that 95%.
“Now is the time to end this addiction, and to understand that drilling is a stop-gap measure, not a long-term solution. Not even close. "
Okay, it’s been a stop-gap measure for the past 150 years.
10:37 “As President, I will tap our natural gas reserves, invest in clean coal technology, and find ways to safely harness nuclear power."
There you go all you naysayers who claim Obama never offers specifics. He will safely harness nuclear power. And how will he do it? He’ll “find ways.”
10:38 “I’ll help our auto companies re-tool, so that the fuel-efficient cars of the future are built right here in America. I’ll make it easier for the American people to afford these new cars."
Yay! Free stuff. Everyone likes free stuff. How will he offer free stuff? Oh, he’ll “find ways.”
10:39 “And I’ll invest $150 billion over the next decade in affordable, renewable sources of energy – wind power and solar power and the next generation of biofuels,"
Wow. He'll invest $150 billion. Those books of his sold better than we thought!
10:41 Hey, he's laid out how to pay every dime for these programs. How? Wait for it.. Yes... Wait for it... He'll eliminate waste!
We love the classics here at Planet Moron.
How will he do this? Oh, he'll "find ways" for that too!
10:45 “We are the party of Roosevelt. We are the party of Kennedy. So don’t tell me that Democrats won’t defend this country. Don’t tell me that Democrats won’t keep us safe.”
He's not. I think he's talking about you. Just sayin'.
10:47 “I will rebuild our military to meet future conflicts. But I will also renew the tough, direct diplomacy that can prevent Iran from obtaining nuclear weapons. I will build new partnerships to defeat the threats of the 21st century: terrorism and nuclear proliferation; poverty and genocide; climate change and disease. And I will restore our moral standing so that America is once more the last, best hope for all who are called to the cause of freedom, who long for lives of peace, and who yearn for a better future.”
He's going to need to "find more ways."
10:50 He won’t question McCain’s patriotism. Call him a racist, sure. But never question his patriotism!
10:53 "It's not about me. it's about you."
What with all the columns and Greek imagery, am I the only one who thought he was going to say… This is about... Spartaaaa!
11:00 Okay it's over. Not sure we could afford much more.
The question now is, what will Keith Olberman think of the speech?
a) Best speech in American history.
b) Best Speech in world history.
c) Best speech ever, including the future to infinity.
d) So good, it transcends the definition of speech and rises to a magnificense beyond human comprehension.
11:04 It sounds like "d." It's now a matter of whether Chris Matthews will agree with him. Agree with him twice as much. or agree with him by infinity to the infinity power, because, like, you can't agree with anyone more than that.
11:17 Okay, we're out of here. That Jack Daniels isn't going to drink itself.
Thanks for reading!
make it work, people
Seeing as we had to skip Project Runway (Hey, we were switching back and forth to the Red Sox - Yankees game already! Yeah, that's it.) to follow the Democratic National Convention for our readers, we thought we'd review the proceedings thus far using the language of the popular Bravo reality fashion program:
One day you're in, and the next, you're out.
MSNBC News coverage
Invesco Field Greek Temple Fireworks Nomination Speech Extravaganza
You've been auf'd!
We expected more from you.
Holla atcha boy!
August 27, 2008
democratic convention Q&A
We thought it might be useful at the midpoint of the 2008 Democratic National Convention to do a little Q&A:
Q: Why did Hillary Clinton wear orange of all colors for her big speech last night?
A: It was the only color that could adequately cover up the “Hillary 2012” T-shirt she was wearing underneath.
Q: Did you see the part where Bill Clinton mouthed the words “I love you” when Hillary was about to start her speech? That was kind of sweet.
A: Yes it was. It would have been sweeter if he’d been looking at Hillary, though.
Q: Why does Pennsylvania Senator Bob Casey look like a legacy pick? You know, the idiot son of a highly respected alum who you have no choice but to let in?
A: No idea.
Q: Hey, that Mark Warner doesn’t exactly give a rousing speech but he sure is quite the entrepreneur!
A: Yes, it’s a classic American success story where a savvy businessman bucks the odds and uses instinct, gumption, hard work, and the insider knowledge he gained working on federal communications issues as a senate staffer to make a fortune exploiting a multi-billion dollar government giveway of cellular telephone licenses.
Q: Were there any other speakers of note yesterday?
A: Yes, Dennis Kucinich gave a fiery speech that consisted mainly of yelling at America to “wake up.”
Q: That doesn’t seem constructive.
A: In fairness, it appeared someone had set his shoes on fire.
Q: Say, did you see the part in the party platform where it says that "The same human activity that has brought freedom and opportunity to billions has also increased the amount of carbon in the atmosphere. Increased atmospheric carbon has a warming effect on the earth." Ha ha, there go those dopey Democrats with that global warming nonsense again.
A: Um, actually that’s from the Republican Party Platform.
Q: Ooh. Well, speaking of Republicans, did you see where they are trying to spread the ridiculous rumor that Obama’s Thursday-night speech will be staged before a Greek-temple-inspired backdrop? Are there any lengths they won’t go to in trying to depict Obama as some kind of self-absorbed egomaniac with a Messiah complex?
A: Wow, that is ridiculous and a complete fabrication. Clearly it’s more derivative of Greco-Roman architecture as a whole with obvious Corinthian influences.
Q: So what’s on the agenda for tonight?
A: There are two big speakers. The first is Bill Clinton.
Q: What can we expect?
A: That no matter what he says, Republicans will say that it demonstrates the Democratic party is irreparably divided while Democrats will say that clearly harmony and unity is at hand.
Q: What will the truth be?
A: You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth!
Q: We really hate it when you do that. It’s just annoying.
Q: Anyway, who’s the other speaker?
A: Joe Biden, the Vice Presidential candidate.
Q: Do you have any insight on what he’ll be talking about?
A: Well, as luck would have it, we have a source who leaked us the following video of his practice sessions:
Q: He does make a compelling case that The Villages are America's friendliest home town.
A: Well, it's the third rail of American politics. This is why he was chosen.
August 26, 2008
the new and improved michelle, now with 75% less anger!
Many people are under the mistaken impression that you can best judge a person in unscripted moments, when they are more likely to inadvertently say what they really mean.
This could not be further from the truth. According to columnist Kirstin Powers, the only time you ever get to see the “real” person inside, is when they are giving a thoroughly vetted speech prepared by professional image makers during a carefully scripted performance practiced relentlessly ahead of time.
Oh, sure, we’ve all seen the only-recently-proud Michelle, the angry Michelle, and the scolding Michelle. But those perceptions are terribly unfair in that they are based solely on things she actually said. Of course, most Americans judge their fellow citizens based only on the things they say that have been focus group tested beforehand among likely voters in swing states. That’s how you know they mean it.
For example, one of our neighbors said last month, “you know, that dog of yours is just downright mean.” But rather than take offense, we gave him the benefit of the doubt and waited until he had consulted with his advisers after which he issued a statement saying, “My words were taken out of context. I love your dog. I love my kids. And gosh darnit, I love America.”
We cried. Seriously, bawled like babies.
For those of you who missed Michelle Obama’s speech, here is the condensed version:
Craig Robinson (intro)
Michelle is my sister.
We were working class.
Our father died.
She has daughters!
I have a mother and a brother!
My father is dead, though.
But I have daughters!
Did I mention my father is dead? Because he is. He was really sick, too!
We were working class. Barack was working class too. We were all working class.
I have children. I mentioned that, right?
Barack left Wall Street where he made other people money and went into public service where he spent other people’s money. I bring it up because that’s better!
My father was sick. Not sure if that was already clear.
I love this country!
I left a law firm where I made money to go into public service where I could spend other people’s money, just like Barack. We have so much in common!
Barack is going to make everything super great!
He’ll do that by bringing us together with sharing and hope and threads or something.
For those of you coming in late, I have a daughter.
So, just to recap: 1) Father dead. 2) I have daughters.
You choked up there a little at the end, didn’t you? It’s okay. There’s no shame in it.
Fortunately, the Democratic convention has several more days to run, followed by the GOP, during which we can get more such honest, raw looks at what these people are really all about.
great moments in…
What’s the latest sign that there is a “downturn of the American economy?” Aaron Spelling’s widow, Candy Spelling, is being forced to move from her 65,500 square foot mansion and make do with a $47 million, 16,500 square foot luxury condo.
What’s next you ask? Cat food! That’s right, sad as it might be, Candy Spelling’s cats will likely be forced to eat cat food.
Microsoft applied for and was recently awarded a patent for the Page Up/Down feature on a computer.
In other news, Apple Computer changed forever the way we purchase and listen to music, shook the cell phone industry to its very foundations, and introduced the world’s thinnest laptop. However, these endeavors unfortunately diverted valuable resources that might have otherwise been devoted to finding a way to secure the intellectual property rights to the left arrow key.
According to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, “We've got a planet to save. Nothing less is at stake other than civilization as we know it today."
What, the fabric of existence itself doesn’t hang in the balance? Pffft. Listen, if it doesn’t entail the simultaneous extinguishment of all matter, which presumably would include gin, we’re not getting out of the easy chair.
According to five-day forecasting models, the storm could go this way. Or thataway. Or over there. Or do a loopedy-loop back thisaway. Or not. Hey, it’s hard to forecast these things!
However, our 100-year global warming climate forecasts? Definitely 100% spot-on accurate.
…Preserving Historical Records
Since being named Barack Obama’s running mate, references to Joe Biden’s earlier kind words for John McCain back in 2004 have been scrubbed from his Wikipedia entry.
Wikipedia: Where history is more fun. Because it changes!
The governor of Virginia, and Obama running mate finalist, Timothy Kaine was recently ridiculed for incorrectly claiming that Virginia borders the state of Delaware.
This is unfair as, like Joe Biden, Timothy Kaine probably has a much higher IQ than you and while you were thinking in terms of normal space-time, encumbered as you are with your tiny rat-like mind, Timothy “The Brain” Kaine was of course thinking in terms of multiple dimensions where the quantum geometry of Calabi-Yau shapes clearly allow for the possibility of Virginia bordering Delaware through the curvature of space-time.
Speaking of Joe Biden, this video (sent in by frequent reader "Mike" who really should be working instead) of the Vice Presidential candidate drunkenly singing and dancing actually makes us fonder of him.
We’ve been there, brother, we’ve been there.
August 24, 2008
and don’t get us started on jogging…
Large portions of a proposed bike path that would have originally paralleled a new 18-mile-long six-lane limited access highway cutting across Montgomery County, Maryland may need to be rerouted onto the sides of existing surface streets because:
a) It would otherwise be too costly.
b) It would be too dangerous.
c) Barack Obama might put on a bike helmet again.
d) It would be damaging to the Environment.
If you chose “d” you are a winner! (“c” would also have been acceptable.)
You’re probably thinking to yourself, “Hey, no one said anything about a pop quiz.” Also, “I don’t see what additional, measurable harm a narrow bike path could cause adjacent to a noisy six-lane superhighway built to accommodate tens of thousands of cars a day.”
That’s why no one asked you to write the Intercounty Connector Limited Functional Master Plan Amendment - Bikeways and Interchanges - Public Hearing Draft. (Not to mention that you probably fell asleep halfway through reading the title.)
While the report doesn’t offer what might be described as “specifics” it does point out that the bike path could cause various bad things to happen to “environmental resources.” And it doesn’t say this just once it says it several times. That’s how you know it’s true.
For the more skeptical among you, we here at Planet Moron have done some of our own research and have come up with additional grave environmental degradations that could result from the bike path:
- We’re not just talking about a simple old-fashioned bike trail as it must be built to accommodate increasing numbers of middle-aged mothers and their fertility drug induced triplets in massive three-across jogging strollers, packed with diaper bags, sippy cups and gray-market prescriptions for Vicodin.
- Wrecked bikes could end up littering the sides of the trail as Washingtonians accustomed to driving their cars attempt to send text messages, fix their hair, heat up a burrito, make obscene gestures to fellow riders, and peddle all at the same time.
- Two words: Powerbar Wrappers.
- You think hybrid drivers produce excessive levels of smug?
- No, seriously, have you seen Barack Obama in a bicycle helmet?
In fairness, county planners accept that there are ecological positives that result from greater use of bike paths, however, they point out that, “Bikeways, like any land development -- including ballfields and playgrounds -- cause environmental harm at some level."
You might be thinking to yourself, “hey, it almost sounds as if these environmentalists think there’s nothing a human does that doesn’t damage the environment in some way, ha ha.”
August 20, 2008
who isn't being considered might be a shorter list
With vice presidential speculation reaching a fever pitch it’s becoming more and more apparent that the names being offered up by the media are based on little more than rumor, hearsay and wild conjecture.
In other words, they have adopted Planet Moron’s code of journalistic ethics.
And so we offer Planet Moron’s own guide to potential VP choices:
Indiana Senator Evan Bayh
Pro: White guy.
Con: Watching Evan Bayh speak is like watching paint dry… that was already dry in the first place.
Delaware Senator Joe Biden
Pro: White guy.
Con: He’s Joe Biden.
“Videographer” Rielle Hunter
Pro: Might appeal to disgruntled Hillary voters since she, like single mothers everywhere, is struggling just to get by on $15,000 a month from the wealthy friends of the guy who is not her child's father, and is forced to move from place to place to try and keep a roof over her head. In St. Croix.
Con: Unclear what kind of “energy” she has.
Pro: Easily Barack Obama’s favorite person in the world. In fact, he likes him so much he wrote two books about him.
Con: Possible unresolveable policy disagreements as Barack Obama rarely agrees with anything Barack Obama says. At least not for long.
Samsonite Nested 5-Piece Luggage Set
Pro: Well traveled, will buttress Obama’s foreign experience.
Con: Like Hillary, just too much baggage.
Current Vice President Dick Cheney
Pro: Wouldn’t have to print up new business cards or stationary. Money saved could go towards reducing deficit.
Con: Not clear whether his pact with the Dark Lord would allow him to remain in the earthly realm but rather might be compelled to honor his bargain and serve eternity in the underworld. Or on the board of Halliburton. Either, or.
Former South Carolina Senator Strom Thurmond
Pro: Would make McCain appear younger by comparison.
Singer/Guitarist Jim Adkins of Jimmy Eat World
Pro: Arizona native would bring a youthful face to campaign.
Con: As John McCain himself could tell you, the band has downplayed some of it’s original emo and emocore influences which alienated some early fans however while its embrace of more melodic pop-oriented arrangements has ensured a measure of mainstream success the precarious state of the music industry and the erosion of old business models brought on by rapidly changing technology remain a serious challenge. Also, it's "loud."
Hamilton Beach Commercial Grade Orange Juicer
Pro: Would be more acceptable to conservative wing of party than Joe Lieberman.
Con: Aside from being inanimate (although that did not appear to hurt Al Gore) there would be the imminent risk of further wrist injury to Cindy McCain.
Just remember, you heard it here first.
August 15, 2008
oddly, the gold medals came with “kids under 12 eat for free” coupons from i-hop
A controversy erupted this week after two members of the Chinese women’s gold-medal-winning gymnastics team were accused of being much younger than the minimum Olympic age requirement that participants celebrate their 16th birthday this year.
Of course, this is nothing more than the “swiftboating” of the Chinese. The Chinese government clearly proved their gymnasts were 16 by issuing them genuine, 100% authentic, “Chinese-Communist-Party-approved” passports that stated they were 16 (you just had to be careful you didn’t smudge the ink).
After all, the Chinese government would never do anything that could remotely be considered deceptive or in any way try to pull one over on Olympic viewers nor would they ever press an unfair advantage over an opponent.
Yeah, sure, the gymnasts looked a little young, but this is purely a cultural misunderstanding based on long-held Western biases as to what constitutes “young” or “child” or “baby teeth.”
In fact, many Chinese adults appear to look younger than they really are to Western eyes. Take, for example, this recent photo of 65-year-old Chinese President Hu Jintao,
Sure, he could probably pass for a younger man in the States, and would probably even be carded at many drinking establishments. (Wouldn’t that be embarrassing! “I’m so sorry Mr. President, I didn’t recognize you!”) But such unfortunate prejudice is no reason to accuse the Chinese of cheating.
And then there’s China’s 65-year-old premier, Wen Jiabao seen here with 67-year-old Chairman of the Standing Committee, Wu Bangguo.
While Wu is obviously older, preconceived Western notions regarding facial hair, musculature, and the onset of puberty would probably cause the casual American observer to be surprised to learn that both had already entered their seventh decade of life. Or even graduated from elementary school.
And this is hardly an unusual phenomenon. Here we have a group photo of the controlling members of the Central Military Commission of the People’s Liberation Army:
And here the owners of China’s four largest Kentucky Fried Chicken franchises:
So, there’s really nothing to see here.
Now, you'll have to excuse us, Chief Grand Justice Wang Shengjun is visiting for the weekend and he just knocked over his juicebox.
August 12, 2008
top ten things john mccain can do to appeal to the youth vote
Faced first with Barack Obama’s deft use of the fist bump, and now his apparent plan to text message the announcement of his choice for his Vice Presidential running mate, John McCain must begin to make an effort to reach out to the same young, hip, audience that has energized the Obama candidacy.
How can a long-serving senator who will be celebrating (and we’re basing this on the DNC mailers we get) his 127th birthday this year, appeal to younger voters?
In the spirit of bipartisanship, we offer, "The Top Ten Things John McCain Can do to Appeal to the Youth Vote:"
- Announce that while you still refuse to meet face-to-face with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, you would be willing to invite him to a Facebook Chat.
- Start casually mentioning the fact that you Twitter several times a day. (No, it’s not what you think.)
- Update the stuffy FEC-mandated “stand by your ad” disclaimer by ending all your campaign advertisements with: “Word. I’m John McCain and I approved this message, yo. For real.”
- Put down the Ensure, and pick up a Red Bull.
- Two words: Body. Art.
- Let it be known that you have the latest Timbaland remix on your iPod. (Note: First find out what an iPod is. Second, find out what a remix is. Third, find out who Timbaland is.)
- Pledge that you will conduct all your cabinet meetings within massively multiplayer online roll-playing games such as Everquest II. However, insist that anyone caught kill stealing will be thrown out. Or forced to serve as Secretary of the Interior.
- If you must wear khakis and button down shirts, then at least punch it up a bit and tell everyone you're going commando!
- Take that Cadillac of yours, lower it about five inches, add some dub deuces, and start referring to Charlie Black and Joe Lieberman as “my posse.”
- Old campaign slogan- John McCain: Country First. New campaign slogan- John McCain: Country First, ‘Cause That’s How I Roll.
Regardless of what he does, McCain needs to act fast. Word is that Obama is going to take racy pictures of himself with his cell phone and have them “accidentally” leak onto the Internet, after, like, OMG, his BFF totally betrayed him! ATAB.
August 09, 2008
it takes a strong man to go through this. and still not mess up his hair.
On a Friday evening.
On the opening night ceremonies of the Summer Olympics.
Because it was THAT important to get the truth out.
And so as a service to our readers, we have provided this handy translation of the ABC interview:
BOB WOODRUFF: Senator, before we start this I just want to make it clear to our audience that you asked me to come here, and asked me to come here to talk about the reports about your personal life.
I don’t want to get in trouble with my colleagues for breaking the embargo. He forced me, I swear! They know where my children go to school for God's sake!
JOHN EDWARDS: In 2006 2 years ago, I made a very serious mistake. A mistake that I am responsible for and no one else… All of my family knows about this and just to be absolutely clear, none of them are responsible for it. I am responsible for it. I alone am responsible for it.
I know no one has said it was anyone else’s responsibility. Or even suggested it. And you didn’t ask whether it was anybody else’s responsibility either. But I feel the need to volunteer that it was absolutely nobody else’s responsibility even though no one asked because…. It was Soooo somebody else’s responsibility. Everyone’s really. You, Bob, face it. You’re an enabler.
WOODRUFF: Is this affair completely over?
EDWARDS: Oh yes, it's been over for a long time.
WOODRUFF: Your wife, Elizabeth, is probably the most admired and beloved person in this country, she's had enormous sympathy because she's also gone through cancer, how could you have done this?
I am so going to score that exclusive with Elisabeth Edwards.
EDWARDS: First of all it happened during a period after she was in remission from cancer…
Look, we’re talking a pretty small window of opportunity here, you know what I’m saying? I had to move fast…
EDWARDS: This is what happened. It's what happened with me and I think happens unfortunately more often sometimes with other people.…
EDWARDS: Then I went from being a senator, a young senator to being considered for vice president, running for president, being a vice presidential candidate and becoming a national public figure. All of which fed a self-focus, an egotism, a narcissism…
WOODRUFF: [you told her] before there was public reporting on this?
EDWARDS: Oh it was way before. I decided, it was clear to me very quickly after this happened that I had to tell her that I loved her, she was central to my life, she had to know it.
If she found out first, she’d kill me.
EDWARDS: And there's also a lot of these you know supermarket tabloid allegations are just lies, they're complete lies.
Except for the parts that aren’t lies. Aside from those, they are complete, utter contemptible falsehoods. Mostly.
WOODRUFF: I need to ask about probably the most controversial allegation. Which is that a report has been published that the baby of Ms. Hunter is your baby. True?
EDWARDS: Not true. Published in a supermarket tabloid.
Which is how you know it cannot possibly be true. Except when it is.
WOODRUFF: I do need to tell you though through ABC investigation there has been evidence, or we've been told that there, about $15,000 a month has been paid to Miss Hunter, so that she could actually live out in California. In fact that money was from Fred Baron, who was your national finance chair. Is that correct?
EDWARDS: I don't know. I told you just a moment ago, I know absolutely nothing about this.
I know nutzing. I see nutzing. And I say nutzing. If I would know sumzing I wouldn’t even tell myself.
WOODRUFF: Have you taken a paternity test?
EDWARDS: I have not, I would welcome participating in a paternity test. Be happy to participate in one. I know that it's not possible that this child could be mine because of the timing of events, so I know it's not possible. Happy to take a paternity test, and would love to see it happen.
WOODRUFF: Are you going to do that soon?
EDWARDS: I'm only one side -- I'm only one side of the test, but I'm happy to participate in one.
Assuming Rielle wants to kiss fifteen big ones a month goodbye! Sure, absolutely! She doesn’t want to? Gosh darn it. That is such a disappointment...