thanks, two-party system!

One candidate wants to give away hundreds of billions of your tax dollars for a new social program that rewards people for purchasing bigger homes than they could afford.

The other one is a Democrat. 

For the Republicans among you who are so despondent you’d just as soon live in a state of oblivious denial, we direct you to the “Everything’s Awesome” blog.

Democrats, well, you’re probably confused. “Which is our guy again? The one who is offering hundreds of billions of dollars in new social program giveaways or the other one who is offering hundreds of billions of dollars in new social program giveaways?…”

This seems as good a time as any to explore the many third-party alternatives: 

The Libertarian Party
Presidential candidate Bob Barr.
Pro: Running on a platform of limited government and low taxes.
Con: Creepy Uncle Factor, that sense that you would not be 100% comfortable leaving your kids alone with him.

The Green Party
Presidential Candidate Cynthia Mckinney
Pro: So crazy she just might work.
Con: Is, in fact, crazy. 

The Constitution Party
Presidential candidate Chuck Baldwin
Pro: Everybody likes the Constitution.
Con: Not always clear which Constitution they’re talking about.

The Boston Tea Party
Presidential candidate Charles Jay
Pro: Entire party platform consists of one sentence: “The Boston Tea Party supports reducing the size, scope and power of government at all levels and on all issues, and opposes increasing the size, scope and power of government at any level, for any purpose.
Con: Wondering whether it should be the “Boston Tea Party Party” or just the “Boston Tea Party” could prove to be too much of a distraction.

The Hey Look at Me I'm Still Alive Party
Presidential Candidate Ralph Nader
Pro: Everyone knows who Ralph Nader is and what he stands for.
Con: Everyone knows who Ralph Nader is and what he stands for.

Party for Socialism/Liberation
Presidential Candidate Gloria La Riva
Pro: As socialism has for decades, offers a voice to those young people who yearn for an opportunity to annoy their wealthy parents.
Con: The whole capitalist vultures/age of imperialism theme is a difficult sale to those critical soccer mom swing voters.   Also, still just a bunch of dirty commies.

The Prohibition Party
Presidential Candidate Gene Amondson
Pro: Oldest third party in the country
Con:  Against gambling, pornography, alcohol and drugs. The only thing we here at Planet Moron would have left to live for is the coming release of the second season of Mannix on DVD.

See, you have choices.  Good ones?  Well, no.

But that doesn't leave you any worse off!

J.