Are They Sure They Want To Close Guantanamo? Because It Sounds Like They’re Going To Need A LOT More Room…

A report (PDF file) recently released by The Division of Homeland Security (DHS) identifies a growing terrorist threat facing the nation from “rightwing extremism” as exemplified by people who oppose abortion, believe the federal government might have grown too large, once served in the military, or who otherwise hold beliefs that may seem strange and unfamiliar to you.

For example, the report notes that such extremists "are antagonistic toward the new presidential administration and its perceived stance on a range of issues, including immigration and citizenship, the expansion of social programs to minorities, and restrictions on firearms and use."

No doubt you find it frightening to discover that right here in America, there are those lurking among us who hold political opinions that might very well be different from those held by others. 

However, it is up to each and every American to help fight this latest threat to conformity and our nation’s founding principle that all men are created equally compelled to acquiesce to the collective will of others. 

And so to help readers better ascertain whether or not they or their neighbors might pose a potential terrorist threat, we have put together a guide in the tradition of Jeff Foxworthy's "You might be a redneck if..."

You might be an extreme right-wing terrorist if…

…You’ve ever held a beer in one hand, and a copy of The Weekly Standard in the other.
…Your wife and your sister both share the same belief that there should be restrictions on late-term abortions
…You think that the only thing the New York Times is good for is keeping up with the latest developments in North Korea where you believe a more robust American response would be a better course of action.
…Your house has ever had a license plate on the back… that supported the NRA.
…Your holiday cards typically include the words “Jesus” and “Christmas.”
…You’ve ever mowed your lawn, and found a “Huckabee for President” placard.
…You’ve ever taken a rifle… to a shooting range.
…You have more than one cousin who thinks that better border protection should be a part of any comprehensive plan for immigration reform.

If you see any fanatics fitting these descriptions, whether he or she is a colleague, a Fox News anchor, or a conservative Democratic Member of Congress holding a seat in a traditionally Republican district, report them to the DHS as soon as you can so that they may be put under immediate surveillance and their subversive actions carefully monitored, as of course they should be.

Whatever you do, do NOT approach these people on your own as they may try to fill your mind with such hate speech as “I don’t believe it is healthy for a Democratic republic to have only half the people responsible for paying all the income taxes,” or “I don’t agree with everything the president is doing.”

Our apologies that we had to subject you to that, but it was important that you saw for yourself just how despicable some of these people can be.

And finally, don’t start ranting about how the central government has grown entirely too powerful and has begun interfering even with normal political discourse.

That’s just paranoid.

Plus, they might take you in for questioning.

J.