September 30, 2009
Let’s Just Say We Have A LOT More Treasury Bills To Sell
The Empire State Building, an iconic symbol of American innovation and prosperity the world over is celebrating a very special event today.
The 60th anniversary of the founding of Communist China!
Some criticize the decision but that kind of sniping is easily dismissed by Christian Science Monitor reporter Matthew Shaer who notes that many controversial events have been so honored, such as last October when the building glowed purple, orange, and white to recognize the Cat Fancier’s Association, an organization that itself brutally suppressed a reform movement seeking to ease its policy of forced spaying of strays by savagely seizing the rebel clubmembers' Iams discount cards.
And just a week from now the building will mark the 125th anniversary of the American Academy of Dramatic Arts, whose own violent crackdown on the teaching of the affective memory approach to method acting is well known.
And so please join together with Empire State Building officials in commemorating the establishment of a ruthless dictatorship that for 60 years has mercilessly suppressed the inalienable freedoms of hundreds of millions of its citizens.
We assume the Statue of Liberty was already booked...
I Are A College Student
Actual email (underlining ours):
September 29, 2009
Do You Have An Oscar? No? Then What Are You Complaining About?
Many in the Hollywood community are up in arms over the arrest of Roman Polanski this week in Switzerland on an arrest warrant for skipping out of the United States 32 years ago while on bail after having admitted to raping a 13-year-old girl.
In fact, some of the film industry’s most famous directors including Martin Scorsese, Woody Allen and David Lynch have signed a petition calling for his release, pointing out that while he admitted to raping a 13-year-old girl, he is still one of our “greatest contemporary film-makers,” being renowned for such classics as “Chinatown” and “The Pianist.”
Why are these famous movie directors taking such a direct interest in Roman Polanski?
You are probably not aware of this, but being a famous movie director provides immunity from prosecution for crimes you may have committed. (Or admit committing, flee the country, and live as a fugitive overseas.)
Of course this doesn’t mean that just because you are a famous movie director you can get away with anything you want. That would be unacceptable in a civilized society.
It depends on how good your movies are.
Taxi Driver, Raging Bull, Goodfellas
What he can get away with: Fomenting insurrection in Latin America, running a counterfeiting ring specializing in Swiss government bearer bonds, Ukranian passports, and Kenny Chesney concert tickets, being unnecessarily prolific.
Blue Velvet, Twin Peaks, Mulholland Drive
What he can get away with: Carjacking, smuggling illegal aliens across the border, being unnecessarily creepy.
Jaws, Indiana Jones, Jurassic Park
What he can get away with: Importing fake Prada handbags, pistol whipping staff that gets out of line, making one too many sequels.
Star Wars, Star Wars – The Empire Strikes Back, Star Wars - The Return of the Jedi
What he can get away with: While the original Star Wars trilogy would have been good for a liquor store robbery and an international ponzi scheme, his unfortunate release of “Star Wars – Attack of The Clones” alone reduces that to selling substandard aluminum siding and failure to properly dispose of used motor oil.
The Evil Dead, Darkman, Spiderman
What he can get away with: Failing to yield to pedestrians in a crosswalk, shoplifting at The Dollar Store, jumping the turnstiles on the Lexington Avenue IRT.
Days of Thunder, The Last Boy Scout, The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3
What he can get away with: Ripping that tag off the mattress, sharing the Olive Garden’s “Never Ending Pasta Bowl” with a guy who only ordered a diet Pepsi, hogging the karaoke machine at the Parsippany New Jersey Holiday Inn after the manager already said enough was enough.
What he can get away with: Nothing. In fact, Battlefield Earth was so bad that Roger Christian is legally subject to getting parking tickets while his car is in his own garage.
As you can see there is a hierarchy to be observed here, as is well understood among the Hollywood elite. And French.
Besides, you can’t lock up a famous movie director just because he admitted to raping a 13-year-old girl.
September 28, 2009
Top 10 Obama Reasons For Flying To Copenhagen To Lobby For Chicago Olympics Bid
President Obama will be flying to Copenhagen later this week to personally lobby the International Olympic Committee (IOC) in support of Chicago’s bid to host the 2016 Summer Games.
While some are suggesting he has other, more pressing matters to attend to, there are in fact a number of perfectly legitimate reasons for him making this trip:
Top 10 Obama Reasons For Flying To Copenhagen To Lobby For Chicago Olympics Bid
10) Concerned about Sarah Palin’s rising international profile.
9) Plans to note with much fanfare that he had agreed to meet with Gerhard Heiberg, chairman of the IOC Marketing Commission, “without preconditions.”
8) Chicago neighbor Bill Ayers a HUGE synchronized diving fan.
7) Two words: Lego. Obama.Victor Borge.
5) Those school kids singing “Mmm mmm mmm, Barack Hussein Obama” creeped him out so much even he felt the need to get the hell out of the country for a bit.
4) In support of his unwavering commitment to “apply sanctions that bite,” plans to ask Denmark officials to prohibit the export of canned hams to Iran.
3) Scouting branch office locations for ACORN where their particular approach to community organizing might find a more receptive audience.
2) Yes, “the time is now” for health care reform. Just not now now.
And the Number 1 reason for flying to Copenhagen to lobby for Chicago’s Olympics bid is:
1) The IOC has a deadline. The decision on the urgent request from the field commander for additional troops as soldiers die executing a strategy that may or may not have the support of the President? Not so much.
September 24, 2009
Me Thinks Thou Dost Protest Too Much
"This crowd is not about me, it's about you."
“Michele, I think, confirms that these crowds are not about me.
This race is not about me, it’s about you.
"But this campaign is not about me, Senator Clinton or Senator McCain. This campaign is about you.”
“This election is not about me. It is not about Hillary Clinton. It is not about John McCain. It is about you”
“It has become increasingly clear in my travel, the campaign, that the crowds, the enthusiasm, 200,000 people in Berlin, is not about me at all.”
“This election is not about me, it’s about you.”
“This is not about me. It's about people who are losing their homes or losing their jobs…”
“This inauguration is not about me. It's about all of us.”
“This isn’t about me. I have great health insurance.”
“These expectations are not about me.”
Okay, mostly selling T-shirts.
But to you.
September 23, 2009
Sometimes You Feel Like A Nut…
With its brand hopelessly tarnished from scandal and intrigue, it’s time for ACORN, (Association for Community Organizations for Reform Now) to consider replacing its old name with something more updated and relevant to its mission so as to better be able to ensure a fresh, new start:
Prostituting El Salvadoran Children Absolutely Natural
Advice on Legally Murdering Old, No-good, Deadbeat Spouse
Finding Illegal Loans so Businesses can End Reporting Taxes
Placing Illegal Stash in Tin And Carefully Hiding It Outside
Careless Advice Sends House to End Wealth
Okay, so maybe Honesty isn’t always the best policy
September 22, 2009
Demonization Is A Kind Of Change
The Obama administration continued today to press its case against the greedy and rapacious health insurance industry.
In a blockbuster study, the White House National Economic Council (NEC) found that health insurance premiums have been rising faster than inflation.
Yes, you read that right. Health insurance premiums have been rising. Faster than inflation even.
Now there’s a newsmaker if we’ve ever heard one.
One could argue that these increases in premiums reflect nothing more than the overall trend in increasing health care costs, but as Brian Deese of the NEC points out, there is no law stopping insurance companies from raising premiums “even if it’s all going mostly to profits.”
How can we tell that insurance company premium increases are “all going mostly to profits?”
And where does that 3.5% go?
It goes straight into the pockets of self-indulgent investors who somehow expect a return on their $130 billion in invested capital.
Is that the America you know? (We mean now.)
And how do we control these rising premiums and the outsize profits they produce?
By forcing the insurance companies to reduce patient co-pays, eliminate caps on coverage and require coverage of preexisting conditions.
Because the only way we are ever going to keep insurance premiums down is to increase insurance company’s costs.
It’s just common sense.
Why pick on the insurance industry when the pharmaceutical industry averages profit margins closer to 16.5%, which suggests that they are nearly five times as greedy?
Because the insurance companies haven’t entered into a secret side agreement with The White House, that’s why.
What can you do to stop the evil insurance companies and their uncontrolled profit mongering?
Get involved with Health Care for America Now (HCAN), a 100% grass-roots movement sponsoring the “Insurance Enemies Project.” It’s simple and easy since HCAN is the kind of grass roots movement that provides pre-printed talking points, approved banner language, sets minimum levels of participants required before they can spontaneously appear at protests, and selects specific industry targets at which you can express your outrage.
But remember, as HCAN spokesperson Jacki Schechner notes:
“There is nothing top-down about this.”
September 21, 2009
Who You Gonna Call?
Desperately trying to make up for deteriorating support for its signature health care reform initiative, the Obama Administration has decided to deploy its secret weapon:
The Vice-President is set to give his “first major health policy address” tomorrow before the National Association of Insurance Commissioners in National Harbor, Maryland.
We were able to secure an advanced copy of the Vice President’s prepared remarks:
Good afternoon, everyone. It’s good to be here in Maryland. They don’t like letting me travel too much, which is fine with me. What with the H1N1 virus you’re pretty much playing Russian roulette with your life getting on a plane these days. Hey, you’re Insurance Commissioners, I’m not telling you anything you don’t know already!
Let me start with a few facts. Right now, nearly twelve out of every ten Americans is in jeopardy of losing his or her health insurance. Twelve out of ten. That's almost 50%. And as a nation, we spend more money in one day on health care than what it cost to fight World War II. Let that sink in for a moment, because it's a pretty unbelievable number, I know! And despite spending twice what Sweden spends per person on health care, Swedes typically live to be 140, 150, something like that, which I guess explains why they make such safe cars.
Those are just the plain facts, folks, the ones you don't hear at those crazy town hall meetings. But, I don't want to just bore you with a bunch of dry facts.
We have a serious health problem in this country. It happens to be three words: Preexisting Conditions. Three words.
Let me tell you a little story. When I was four years old, I got a job working in the coal mines in Scranton. Twelve hours a day with a half hour break, barely enough time to finish my Clif Bar and caffeine-free diet Dr. Pepper. Well, like so many others in those days, I came down with black lung disease. My parents’ insurance refused coverage, claiming it was a preexisting condition.
Black lung. A preexisting condition. Can you believe it? Seriously, can you believe it?
Well, we couldn’t afford the treatments and as a result, I suffered for years, lingering on the edge of death, and eventually dying in my mother’s arms.
I hate to make it personal, but you have standing before you a person who has died of black lung disease due to a lack of insurance coverage, died right in my mother’s arms.
I’m telling you, no parent in America should ever have to lose a child, as my parents lost me. No one.
Listen folks, when I was in New York City not long ago, I dropped in on one of my favorite diners, busy little pace called Monk’s Café, I’m sure some of you have heard of it. It’s very famous. Well, I was sitting there having some coffee, with just a little bit of sugar, have to watch that waist line, when lo and behold, in walks Jerry with his girlfriend. He orders a slice of apple pie, best pie in the city by the way, but she refused Jerry’s offer to share the pie.
He was willing to share, but she refused.
As you can imagine, Jerry was very upset. And that got me to thinking. Where did those mannequins come from that looked like Elaine?
And that’s the point I’m trying to make. I may have died from black lung disease as a child, but that doesn’t mean that we as a country have to stand by while the special interests make mannequins in our likeness. Not in Barack Obama’s America. No way, no how.
So don’t listen to those on the other side and their death panels and scare tactics. What we’re offering is simple. We’re offering to share our apple pie.
And isn't that, ladies and gentleman, what this is all about?
Thank you, and may God bless.
Don't be surprised if there are a few edits before tomorrow…
September 20, 2009
The Eight-Year-Old-Boy Approach To Scientific Inquiry
There has been some controversy lately over plans at NASA this October to bomb the moon.
We, however, enthusiastically support NASA’s moon-bombing mission for two reasons:
- It’s the moon!
- They’re going to bomb it!!
More formally known as the Lunar Crater Observation and Sensing Satellite (LCROSS), the mission involves propelling an empty fuel tank into the moon at great speed and then measuring the amount of water contained in the resulting 6-mile high plume of debris and dust.
Surely the concept of taking something that has outlived its usefulness and smashing it into a lifeless object “just to see what happens” could have many other applications:
DSEM Decommissioned Satellite Eradication Mission
DSEM will drop a decommissioned communications satellite on top of the John Murtha Airport in Johnstown, PA. Given the number of people who use the federally subsidized airport, it is believed this poses far less danger than dropping the satellite into the ocean. To maximize the scientific benefit, sensors will be in put in place to measure any signs of a Cinnabon.
SFOSP- Solar Furnace Observation and Sensing Project
SFOSP will involve gathering up all the remaining copies of Battlefield Earth, Broken Arrow, and anything else starring John Travolta post-Pulp Fiction into a giant ball and shooting it into the sun. The purpose of this mission is to shoot all remaining copies of Battlefield Earth, Broken Arrow, and anything else starring John Travolta post-Pulp Fiction into the sun.
FRURM - Financial Regulation Urban Renewal Mission
FRURM will strap a Titan booster to Bernie Madoff and shoot him into an unsold McMansion. Highly sensitive instruments would be set up to measure if there are any detectable levels of justice.
Come to think of it, given the obvious appeal of blowing things up, perhaps Barack Obama could use this same approach in selling his health care reform plans.
We understand there are quite a few vacant ACORN offices available…
September 19, 2009
“You Have The Right To Run. If You Are Unable To Run, A Segway Will Be Appointed To You…”
Those police chase scenes you see on TV and movies may look fun and exciting, but they are in fact extremely dangerous.
That is why Wellford, South Carolina Mayor Sallie Peake issued an order prohibiting her town’s police from engaging in these reckless pursuits.
While dangerous car chases get all the press, foot chases hold many of the same hazards, unnecessarily placing police officers in jeopardy of sprained ankles and skinned knees not to mention the occasional innocent bystander, caught in the wrong place at the wrong time, and finding him or herself bumped and occasionally jostled.
Is that really a price we’re willing to pay as a society to apprehend a possibly violent felon?
Asked by a local news reporter to explain her reasoning behind the move, Mayor Peake, clearly a seasoned political veteran, told the reporter:
“You got your story. Thank you God. You are so sweet... You got your story. I am so proud of you. Oooooh ooooooh. May God bless you.”
Who knows, had Edward Kennedy been savvy enough to answer Roger Mudd’s famous question, “Why do you want to be President?” in a similarly skillful and cogent fashion, he might have won the presidency in 1980.
Wellford Police Chief Chris Guy reassures town residents that “just because a suspect may run does not mean that we can’t identify him, assign warrants and catch him later.”
Wellford Police Motto
Of course, if you are a suspect in Wellford who ran away and the police identify you, assign a warrant, and come by to take you in, you can always just run again.
What does this mean for the town of Wellford?
A booming downtown!