Guns Don’t Kill People, Guns Attract People Who Kill People. With Guns. Or Something.

A recent $639,586 study regarding gun violence funded by the National Institute of Health (that would be you) and conducted by Dr. Charles C. Branas of the Pennsylvania School of Medicine, made a startling discovery:

We should be giving more money to Dr. Charles C. Branas to conduct additional studies into gun violence.

Or, as Dr. Branas put it:

“Learning how to live healthy lives alongside guns will require more studies such as this one. This study should be the beginning of a better investment in gun injury research through various government and private agencies.”

Also, that possessing a gun, rather than making you safer, makes it 4.5 times more likely you’ll get shot in an assault.

The study’s methodology involved examining people who got shot to see if they had a gun, and comparing those results to people who did not have a gun, and did not happen to get shot. 

Some question the legitimacy of this kind of “correlation-and-effect” approach to scientific inquiry by pointing out that people who choose to have a gun may be doing so due to higher expectations of being shot in the first place, making it a self-selecting group, however they betray a fatal flaw in their argument:

Charles C. Branas is a doctor.

In fact, using a similar methodology, we here at Planet Moron found disturbing evidence that people who possess parkas are far more likely to be victims of cold outdoor temperatures than those who do not.

The lesson?

We need to “rethink our possession of parkas.”

The study was also careful to include only those people who had actually been shot, as opposed to people who, while in possession of a firearm, were able to successfully fend off an attacker, whether through force or intimidation, without being so injured.

Fascinated by this novel, University-of-Pennsylvania-doctor-approved approach to research, we here at Planet Moron made another startling discovery:

Helmets cause football injuries.

Looking only at football players who had been injured, we found that nearly 100% of them were wearing helmets. (Note: That may include, like the Branas study, players who left their helmet in the car.)

Apparently, the helmets created a “false sense of security.” So to all you football players out there, if you value your safety, for God’s sake, take off that damn helmet before you get hurt.

Despite the fact that those conducting the study were doctors from the University of Pennsylvania, some critics point out that most gunshot victims are typically found (pdf) to have long arrest records themselves suggesting that the vast majority of gun violence is conducted within the criminal community, having little to do with common citizens who possess firearms for self-defense.

But then, these critics are not 100% unbiased doctors from the University of Pennsylvania who happen to be part of an organization that coincidentally produces studies that support greater gun control.

Your confidence in the study should be further enhanced by the fact that it involved a total of 677 gun shot victims, 41 of whom had a gun. (Surely a spreadsheet of some kind was involved.)

What obvious conclusion are we to draw from a “first-of-its-kind” study that focused on 41 gun-possessing gunshot victims and which suggested that being a criminal with a gun in your car makes it far more likely you’ll get shot?

There’s only one possible verdict:

If you are a 110-pound woman with a night job living alone you should clearly “rethink [your] possession of guns” and “suggestions to the contrary,” purchasing a gun for self-protection ”should be discussed and thoughtfully reconsidered.”

It’s science!

J.

Welcome Daily Crux readers!