Planet Moron

Just What The World Needed

Mrs. Moron and I welcomed our first baby moron into the world this morning at 5:50 AM.

Please join us in celebrating this joyous event and share in our miracle of blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda.

Regular blogging will resume once the crying, whining, and fidgeting stops.

Mine, not the baby’s.

J.

Law And Order: Predator Drone Unit

United Nations Special Rapporteur on Extrajudicial Executions Philip Alston, believes that the United States may be breaking international law by striking at military targets with Predator drones terming these operations “arbitrary extrajudicial executions.”

Sadly, the United States has a long history of engaging in this exact kind of barbaric behavior. Although kept under wraps for years by a compliant press, it is well known within military circles that the United States repeatedly broke international law during World War II, committing arbitrary extrajudicial executions in France, Italy, Germany, Japan, and North Africa.  The latter is important in that it is believed that American forces engaged in an extremely short-lived experiment in which they attempted to adopt the UN’s favored police-enforcement approach to battlefield conflicts by first asking Rommel’s advancing Panzer divisions for their license and registration.

Now before you hardcore war hawks start ranting and raving about how the UN Is going to force the military to bring ACLU lawyers with them on combat missions against terrorists in Afghanistan, they clearly would never suggest anything that would leave them open to such obvious ridicule.

Instead, they suggest that if our actions in Afghanistan against terrorists are to be successful, we must focus on being "responsive to the concerns of women, lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and intersex individuals in local contexts."

We here at Planet Moron have long believed that our response to the events of 9/11 have been hardest on women, lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and intersex individuals, although admittedly not nearly as hard as on those women, lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and intersex individuals who were unfortunate enough to find themselves in the World Trade Center that day.

And we blame Bush.

According to a United Nations report (pdf) prepared by Martin Scheinin, a special rapporteur for the U.N.'s Human Rights Council, we must also consider “the benefit of including contextual feminist perspectives in the design and implementation of counter-terrorism measures.”

 Take this guy for instance.

Clearly, he needs to put that rifle down so he can better consider the “significant adverse impacts on female family members of those subject to disappearances.”

Because we’re pretty sure he’s about to disappear someone.

But then, you know what else has significant adverse impacts on female family members?”

Getting blown up.

We’d probably push that up to the top of the priority list, but that’s just us.

J.

A Rose By Any Other Name Will Still Cost As Much

What do you believe is the biggest obstacle to getting a “public option” included in a health care reform bill?

A) It is little more than a ruse to ultimately move the country towards a single-payer plan.

B) It will bankrupt the nation like Medicare.

C) It is unfair for private companies to be forced to compete with the government.

D) Branding.

If you said "Branding", you just might be smart enough to be the Speaker of the House.

At a Florida event yesterday, Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Representative Debbie Wasserman tested out two new catchphrases, “The Consumer Option” and “The Competitive Option” to see how those do.

As the speaker pointed out, "You'll hear everyone say, ‘There's got to be a better name for this.' When people think of the public option, public is being misrepresented, that this is being paid for with their public dollars."

It is very important that the public option not be seen as being paid for with public dollars largely because the public option will almost certainly be paid for with public dollars.

While it has yet to be seen whether these new names will catch on, they are probably better than the ones that were rejected:

“The Ol’ Country Doctor Comin’ Round With His Black Bag Option” (too Norman Rockwell)

“The This Is Not A Trojan Horse To Move To A Single-Payer System Option” (too defensive)

“The My Aren’t You A Fine Looking Voter, Have You Lost Weight Option” (too patronizing)

“The Balloon Boy Option” (too topical)

“The Republicans Want You To Die Quickly Option” (too unhinged)

“The Socialist Option” (too honest)

“The Kill Kill Kill The Private Health Insurance Industry Dead Dead Dead” (way too honest)

While “The Competitive Option” and “The Consumer Option” are clearly better than those, they still both kind of leave us cold. 

How about:

“The Free Market Option.”

What?  Too old school?

J.

Top Ten Lessons We Can Learn From The Guy Who Got A DWI For Driving A Motorized La-Z-Boy Drunk

A Minnesota man plead guilty to a DWI after consuming “eight or nine beers” at a local bar and then driving his motorized La-Z-Boy recliner into a parked vehicle.

While we here at Planet Moron condemn those who risk spilling their drinks, and the drinks of others, while recklessly driving living room furniture drunk, we do believe that there are some important lessons that can be learned from this incident:

Top Ten Lessons We Can Learn From The Guy Who Got A DWI For Driving A Motorized La-Z-Boy Drunk

10) It doesn’t matter who gets to the stop sign first, a La-Z-Boy never has the right of way.

9) Chances are, this was Balloon-Boy dad's “Plan B.”

8) Why motorize a La-Z-Boy?  Because motorizing a Barcalounger would be stupid.

7) As passive restraint systems go, a bag of corn chips and a Pepsi leave much to be desired.

6) The guy offering you a ride home? If all he can talk about is his cool footrest, call a cab.

5) How do you measure the performance of a motorized La-Z-Boy? By how fast it can go from 0 to 60 cable channels.

4) If you are going to drive a motorized La-Z-Boy, be sure to regularly rotate your casters for even wear.

3) You know who suffers the most from drunk motorized La-Z-Boy driving? The children.  And slow-moving pets.  And possibly house plants.

2) 15 minutes could save you 15% or more on your car insurance.  Or would that be homeowners insurance?…

And the number one lesson we can learn from the guy who got a DWI for driving a motorized La-Z-Boy drunk is:

1) Friends don't let friends recline drunk.

J.

In The End, It’s Always The Voters Who Get Hurt The Most

We probably should have seen this breakup coming a long ways away.  All the signs were there, the building tension, the sniping, the petty slights, if only you were willing to open your eyes to the painful reality around you:

May 18, 2008: Obama Blames Fox News For Likely Kentucky Loss

September 7, 2008: Obama Blames Fox News For The Muslim Smear

October 16, 2008: Obama Blames Fox News for His Elitist Reputation

October 1, 2009: Obama Admin Blaming Fox News of Harming US Chances of Getting the Olympics

October 6, 2009: Obama Blames Fox For Embarrassing Appointees

But you know, Fox News hasn’t been completely blameless in this relationship, nagging the President over every little thing he does so that he ends up feeling like there’s nothing he can do right:

November 7, 2008: Fox News Blames Obama For Stock Market Fall

January 27, 2009: Fox News Blames Obama For Jay-Z and Young Jeezy Lyrics

April 27, 2009: Fox News Blames Obama For Teleprompter Mistake

September 29, 2009: Fox Business Blames Obama For G20 Protest Violence

You don’t see MSNBC nitpicking every little thing Obama does, do you?  No.  they know that sometimes in order to make a relationship work, you have to be willing to overlook your partner’s faults and imperfections and instead focus on the positive.

No matter.  Can’t these two crazy kids admit that they’re nuts about each other?  If only they were each willing to give in, just a little bit, maybe we could be one happy family again instead of having to spend alternate weekends watching Factor reruns.

J.

Week In Review In Free-Form Haiku

How much you should make

Pay Czar wouldn’t begin to say

Here is how much you will make.

 

Obamacare will not fund abortions

Obamacare will probably not fund abortions

Don’t hold us to that.

 

Republicans do what they’re told

Democrats think for themselves

Jealous President.

 

“Obama deserved Nobel”

Says former communist leader

Defeated by Reagan

 

Burn bunnies, eat your dog

Kermit was right

It’s not easy being green.

J.

CONSENSUS WATCH - 10/22/2009

 An ongoing series dedicated to vigorously monitoring emerging threats to The Consensus that global warming is real, caused by humans, and must be addressed at all costs. Because without consensus, scientific conclusions would remain vulnerable to new data.

 The Consensus has come under attack from an unlikely source, the BBC, which noted that despite ever-increasing concentrations of CO2 and predictions to the contrary, the earth has been cooling over the past decade.

Fortunately these blatant appeals to logic rarely work.  Yes, people might momentarily get caught up in the facts of the moment, allowing reason to overwhelm their emotions, but when all is said and done, true adherents to The Consensus can take comfort in knowing that once everyone has had a chance to stand up and get excited, less sober minds will ultimately prevail.

For example, here is a piece of thoughtful research released by ACT ON CO2 (a creation of the UK government) that explores the very real consequences of telling a little girl that everyone is going to die.

This study makes a number of compelling points. For example, CO2, rather than being an abundant natural gas upon which all life on earth depends, is in fact a menacing demon stretching across the sky and spewing forth flying ghost blobs.

We did not know that.

The video also makes clear that based on current climate modeling, unless we take action to reduce CO2 emissions now, your daughter’s puppy will drown. 

Consensus deniers might insist this is an exaggeration, or possibly even a complete fabrication, but it’s difficult to dismiss what you are seeing with your own two eyes, irrefutable evidence as portrayed in a whimsical imaginary drawing.

What can we learn from this?

Global warming makes bunnies cry.

Also, despite what you might have heard on the news, or read in a peer-reviewed article, or saw at a screening or experienced personally by walking outside, it is clear that without drastic action, we are facing a bleak future in which little girls’ puppies are drowned.

And we can’t have that.

We might want to use those pups for food.

J.

CONSENSUS WATCH MERCHANDISE: In addition to the “my parents fought global warming and all I got was this lousy sweatshirt” item we mentioned the other day, we’ve updated most of the Consensus Watch store adding T-shirts, thermoses and other items and improving some of the graphics.  Why? Because we care.  Also, the liquor store was closed.  Okay, mostly because the liquor store was closed.

But we sure cared about that.

UPDATE: A slightly different take from The London Fog (language warning at end):

 

It Pays For Itself In As Little As Two Confessions!

Are you unhappy with your current religion?

Disillusioned with it’s direction?

Have you always wanted to become a Catholic but thought it just took too much time and work?

Well, you’re in luck!

If you are a member of the Anglican Church, you can now achieve eternal salvation in just a fraction of the time!

You heard that right.  If you are a member of the Anglican Church you can switch to Catholicism by just agreeing to recognize the Pope as your leader.

Pretty good deal, huh?

But wait, that’s not all!

You don’t even have to change the way you worship.  You can keep the same ceremony and married priests you’ve grown comfortable with! There’s absolutely nothing new to learn!

Paperwork?

Forget about it!

Sacraments?

Skip ‘em!

It’s never been easier to become a member of the Catholic Church.

Still not convinced? 

Hey, did somebody say “group rate?”

That’s right, if you act now, you can have as many of your friends join the Catholic Church as you want at no additional charge!

That's soul-saving, wholesale!

Let’s review what you get:

1. Eternal salvation.
2. Membership in the Catholic Church
3. Keep the ceremonies you have now.

How can the Catholic Church afford to do this?

They know that once you’ve tried the Catholic Church, you’ll come back to them for all your theological needs.

Remember:

1. Eternal salvation.
2. Membership in the Catholic Church
3. Keep the ceremonies you have now.

It’s been nearly five centuries since there was an offer like this. Don’t delay! Call now!

Nuns are standing by.

J.

Well, At Least They Can Claim That The Climate Is Changing…

Mid-October snowfall in Pa. sets record

Tampa sets record low temperature

Morning low ties 61-year-old record

Few Octobers have been colder so far

Cold Records Smashed in Denver

Just in time for melting polar ice caps that refuse to melt and rising sea levels that refuse to rise, Planet Moron together with Consensus Watch presents our official Global Warming Sweatshirt:

My parents fought Global Warming

And all I got was this lousy Sweatshirt!

J.

Welcome Daily Crux readers!

It’s Not a Takeover. It’s Just Really Influential.

As President Obama said of his health care reform efforts, “this is not some government takeover.”

Of course it isn’t.  So what's in those 1500 pages in the latest version of the Baucus bill (pdf)? They're mostly made up of exhortations of free-market principles. And some boilerplate.  You know, that boring legal stuff you didn’t read when you signed your mortgage documents. 

And that turned out great.

If you want to nitpick, the bill does include the word “requirement” 784 times, which is more than once every two pages.  But those consist mostly of minor technicalities such as what specific benefits insurance companies are required to provide, to whom, when, where, and under what circumstances. 

Now does that sound like a “takeover” to you? 

Of course not.  Insurance companies retain almost complete freedom in most other areas.  For example, the government has absolutely no control over what color they paint their office walls. None.  And as for what font to use on their business cards?  Pretty much everyone agrees that that kind of decision is best left to the free market.

Unless we’re talking about the mandatory Uniform Coverage Document as addressed in Section 1503.  That "has to be in at least a 12-point font."

Hey, without some government oversight who knows what you’d end up with.  3-point Helvetica italics? 5-point Baskerville Old Face?  Wingdings?!

And it’s not only health insurance companies that the Baucus bill isn’t taking over.  For senior citizens, Title II provides “annual wellness visits” during which a “personalized prevention plan” is provided.

How personalized?  It includes your height, weight, body mass index and trouser size. 

For those who might consider that all a bit intrusive, the bill strictly limits what can be examined to “any other element determined appropriate by the Secretary.”

There’s your limited government right there Mr. Tea Party Protester.

In Section 4214 you’ll find a provision furthering efforts at “culture change” in nursing home care. 

Now, yes, we’ll concede that the bill appears to require that the federal government use public funds to change the culture of nursing home care in a direction approved of by the federal government.

But a takeover?  You’ve been watching too much Glenn Beck.

Finally, Section 6055 requires providers of health insurance to report you, your address, how long you’ve had insurance and “other such information as the Secretary may require” to the government, which will come in mighty handy given that Section 5000A makes it illegal to not have health insurance.

Now if you want to go around calling that a “government takeover” we can’t stop you, but you’re going to look pretty silly.

Admittedly we just skimmed the 1502-page bill, so maybe we missed some obscure section that could conceivably be interpreted as a government takeover of some kind but otherwise, it pretty much reads like a copy of “The Wealth of Nations.”

 And if you hear differently, that's probably just Fox News.

J.