He Must Have Answered, “I’m Just Happy To See You.”

Responding to the Christmas terrorist attack on an inbound Northwest Airlines flight, the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) has instituted a number of new security procedures intended to directly address this new threat.

First, passengers will be required to remain in their seats within one hour of landing as this was the window the Nigerian terrorist used.  One hour and one minute before landing?  That is, based on prior experience, perfectly safe.

Second, passengers won't be allowed to have anything in their laps, including laptops, MP3 players, or reading materials, which is a direct response to terrorists wearing explosive underwear.

If you are like most Planet Moron readers, you’re probably asking yourself, “Didn’t you say you’d keep that hiatus post on top?  You have no idea how to use blogging software, do you?”

Also, “Say, can I make use of the very same field-proven professional security enhancement and hazard mitigation techniques that the TSA employs?

You bet you can.

Let’s take a look at a few common problems:

Problem #1: “My house was broken into sometime between 2 and 3 AM last week.  What can I do to ensure this never happens again?”

That's easy. Purchase an alarm system and make sure that you have it armed and ready between the hours of 2 and 3 AM.  Sure, you probably already feel safer, but you’re not done yet. The TSA has determined that this kind of security enhancement will only be effective if you warn potential adversaries of the specifics of your new enhanced security, so be sure to post a sign making clear when your house is protected.

Rest assured, you won't be getting burgled between 2 and 3 AM ever again!

Problem #2: “My brakes almost went out the other day.  It turned out I was low on brake fluid. Is there anything I can do to prevent this from happening again?”

Yes. All you need to do is set up a schedule in which you regularly check your anti-freeze and that your gas cap is on tight. TSA protocols suggest this will help prevent further problems with your brakes.

Problem #3: “I always leave my car running in the morning to warm it up.  I also leave the doors unlocked for convenience. Yesterday, a guy tried to steal it but he slipped on the ice and a passing neighbor called the cops.  Is there anything I can do to help prevent another attempt like this?”

Nope!  It sounds like the system worked!  You go right on ahead continuing to let your car warm up with the doors unlocked.  You clearly have nothing to worry about.

As you can see, it’s easy to secure yourself and your loved ones against theft or harm if you incorporate “the TSA way” into your everyday thinking.

Which reminds me, I’ve got a flight to Key West coming up in a few days.  I sure hope they continue to employ the highly successful “Secure Flight” passenger vetting program in which suspected terrorists are issued travel documents, subjected to no additional screening, and still allowed to fly.

It just makes me feel better knowing that the forensics will go more smoothly.

J.

NOTE: Holiday hiatus is still operational. And yes, I checked the box to keep the Holiday Hiatus post on top, and no, it isn’t working.  But then, neither am I!