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December 29, 2009

He Must Have Answered, “I’m Just Happy To See You.”

Responding to the Christmas terrorist attack on an inbound Northwest Airlines flight, the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) has instituted a number of new security procedures intended to directly address this new threat.

First, passengers will be required to remain in their seats within one hour of landing as this was the window the Nigerian terrorist used.  One hour and one minute before landing?  That is, based on prior experience, perfectly safe.

Second, passengers won't be allowed to have anything in their laps, including laptops, MP3 players, or reading materials, which is a direct response to terrorists wearing explosive underwear.

If you are like most Planet Moron readers, you’re probably asking yourself, “Didn’t you say you’d keep that hiatus post on top?  You have no idea how to use blogging software, do you?”

Also, “Say, can I make use of the very same field-proven professional security enhancement and hazard mitigation techniques that the TSA employs?

You bet you can.

Let’s take a look at a few common problems:

Problem #1: “My house was broken into sometime between 2 and 3 AM last week.  What can I do to ensure this never happens again?”

That's easy. Purchase an alarm system and make sure that you have it armed and ready between the hours of 2 and 3 AM.  Sure, you probably already feel safer, but you’re not done yet. The TSA has determined that this kind of security enhancement will only be effective if you warn potential adversaries of the specifics of your new enhanced security, so be sure to post a sign making clear when your house is protected.

Protected!

Rest assured, you won't be getting burgled between 2 and 3 AM ever again!

Problem #2: “My brakes almost went out the other day.  It turned out I was low on brake fluid. Is there anything I can do to prevent this from happening again?”

Yes. All you need to do is set up a schedule in which you regularly check your anti-freeze and that your gas cap is on tight. TSA protocols suggest this will help prevent further problems with your brakes.

Problem #3: “I always leave my car running in the morning to warm it up.  I also leave the doors unlocked for convenience. Yesterday, a guy tried to steal it but he slipped on the ice and a passing neighbor called the cops.  Is there anything I can do to help prevent another attempt like this?”

Nope!  It sounds like the system worked!  You go right on ahead continuing to let your car warm up with the doors unlocked.  You clearly have nothing to worry about.

As you can see, it’s easy to secure yourself and your loved ones against theft or harm if you incorporate “the TSA way” into your everyday thinking.

Which reminds me, I’ve got a flight to Key West coming up in a few days.  I sure hope they continue to employ the highly successful “Secure Flight” passenger vetting program in which suspected terrorists are issued travel documents, subjected to no additional screening, and still allowed to fly.

It just makes me feel better knowing that the forensics will go more smoothly.

J.

NOTE: Holiday hiatus is still operational. And yes, I checked the box to keep the Holiday Hiatus post on top, and no, it isn’t working.  But then, neither am I!

December 29, 2009 at 12:11 PM in Current Affairs | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack

December 25, 2009

“You Are An Idiot,” And Other Festive Holiday Greetings

We all have our own way of celebrating the holidays, whether it’s decorating Christmas trees, lighting Hanukkah candles, engaging in secular seasonal observances, or, in a newer tradition that’s catching on like wildfire all across America:

Going out of your way to denigrate others!

Because there’s no better way to spread cheer and good tidings than pointing out how everyone else isn’t nearly as smart as you are.

You’re probably asking yourself, “I thought you said you were going on hiatus.”

Also, “Why would anyone create a public display specifically designed to cast aspersions on people who hold religious beliefs?"

It’s the law!

Besides, as Annie Laurie Gaylor, the Freedom From Religion Foundation’s co-president points out, "If you just put up a sign that says, 'Jolly Winter Solstice!' they don't get it,"

That’s because people who are not members of the Freedom From Religion Foundation are just so dense that, "We have to be a little more hard-hitting."

Here at Planet Moron, we’re largely agnostic-ish, feeling ourselves to be wholly unqualified to pass judgment as to the nature of existence, however somehow we were unaware that, like Tod Billings of the Arkansas Society of Freethinkers, “We didn’t feel very included in the holiday spirit.”

And we completely forgot to find the Christmas creche offensive.

How the heck did we miss that?

All these years, we’ve spent giving gifts, putting out lights, exchanging holiday-themed pleasantries wholly ignorant of our exclusion from these very activities! Why, rather than enjoy the holiday season and the respite it offers from our busy lives, we instead could have been stewing in angry resentment!

Oh the wasted years!

You see, whereas Christians arrogantly believe that they have an understanding of the meaning of life and our purpose here on earth, free thinkers like Tod Billings and Annie Laurie Gaylor believe in a completely non-arrogant manner that have an understanding of the meaning of life and our purpose here on earth. 

See the difference?

And so, in the new spirit of the holiday season, we would like to point out that whatever you’re doing, if it doesn’t embrace the not-at-all-presumptuous completely known fact that “Religion is but myth and superstition that hardens hearts and enslaves minds," you are an idiot.

You know, that’s not as festive when you say it out loud.

J.

NOTE: Yes, I swear, I’m on holiday hiatus.  I’ll put that post up on top again tomorrow!

December 25, 2009 at 11:13 AM in Current Affairs | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBack

December 24, 2009

Hiatus: It’s Like Rehab Only Without The Negative Connotations

If you are like most Planet Moron readers, you look forward to this time of year, when families get together, gifts are exchanged, and parole officers are badly understaffed.

I too, will be taking advantage of the season, going on a holiday hiatus for a couple of weeks.

I will keep this post up top, but as with most of my breaks, don’t be surprised if there are some intermittent posts below. I also plan on continuing to Tweet, which you can follow in the sidebar, click here, or sign up for Twitter yourself and follow me there.

I will also be taking my sort of annual trek to Key West with some buddies.  The wife and new baby were planning on making the trip this time but we decided what with H1N1 still a threat, a ride in an enclosed aircraft might not have been such a great idea.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Otherwise, many thanks to all for reading, commenting, buying crap, and being generally supportive. Your continued patronage makes it all just a little less pathetic. 

And one parting note, a gift from my wife, stainless steel diamond plate martini glasses.

 Best Gift Ever

And no, you can’t have her, she’s already taken.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and all the rest!

J.

December 24, 2009 at 10:58 AM in Weekend Leisure | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBack

December 23, 2009

Modern Political Decision Tree

Modern Political Decision Tree J.

December 23, 2009 at 03:33 PM in Current Affairs | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBack

December 22, 2009

Too [Fill In The Blank] To Fail

While there has been much talk of late regarding the principle of “Too Big To Fail,” very few people are aware that the government engages in many similar interventions throughout our economy, always in an effort to forestall widespread catastrophe should certain institutions collapse unexpectedly.

For example :

Too Politically Well Connected To Fail.

This important economic principle recognizes the systemic failure that could result throughout the interconnected halls of Congress should an institution favored by the Chairman of the House Financial Services Committee be allowed go under.  If private businesses can’t rely on ready access to political favors that circumvent normal administrative checks and balances, how can they possibly be expected to commit capital, launch new ventures, and hire employees?

Too Influential To Fail

There are some institutions in the United States which are absolutely essential if we are to ensure the smooth functioning of the White House’s legislative agenda.  Imagine what would happen if, for example, the American Medical Association, absent hundreds of billions of dollars in additional income and incentives, refused to support Obama’s health care initiative.  We could easily be facing the coming of the next Great Concession.

Too Sympathetic To Fail

Consider the cascading effect on the economy should large numbers of extremely sympathetic individuals be allowed to fail and end up losing their homes.  Could our media institutions handle the crushing load of human-interest stories?  Would there even be enough time in the 5:00 to 6:00 PM news slot for them all?  Even if you bump the "how to spice up your love life," and "recipes for a busy lifestyle" segments?

Too Supportive To Fail

Newspapers serve an irreplaceable role in the public discourse, such as providing a stable platform on which to rest your laptop while you sit in your easy chair, and providing the unique perspective you can only get when examining an event that happened as many as 24 hours ago, but most importantly, ensuring that citizens have all the information they need in order to properly support Barack Obama.

Too Big A Failure To Fail

It is an unavoidable reality that some Senators are such big failures that absent government intervention, they would, in fact fail. This cannot be allowed to happen.  Because in America, no politician should have to lose his seat just because he is being rejected by large numbers of his constituents.  Not in our America!

J.

December 22, 2009 at 02:59 PM in Current Affairs | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack

December 21, 2009

Ben Nelson On eBay

Going once... Going Twice...

Ben Nelson on eBay

 J.

December 21, 2009 at 10:26 PM in Current Affairs | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBack

December 19, 2009

Washington DC Blanketed!

With nearly 20 inches of wet, heavy, global warming:

Twenty Inches of Global Warming

Worse yet, when we run this raw data through standard IPCC global warming models we find that it's actually 76 degrees out and Baltimore is under five feet of water. Also, we have malaria.

Regardless, here at Planet Moron, we always like to make the best of a difficult situation:

Now THATS A Winter Wonderland

J.

December 19, 2009 at 03:07 PM in Weekend Leisure | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBack

December 18, 2009

Obama In Copenhagen

Wen Jiabao Copenhagen Meeting
President Barack Obama, unable to help himself, attempts to bow to Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao while seated. 

J.

December 18, 2009 at 04:52 PM in Current Affairs | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack

December 17, 2009

Psychologists Call It “Projection”

President Obama really hates scare tactics:

August 12, 2009: "[The special interests] use their political allies to scare and mislead the American people.”
August 15, 2009
: Americans whose jobs and health care are secure today just don’t know if they’ll be next to join the 14,000 who lose their health insurance every single day. And if we don’t act, average family premiums will keep rising to more than $22,000 within a decade!"

Sept. 12 2009: "We've heard scare tactics instead of honest debate.”
September 9, 2009
: “Everyone in this room knows what will happen if we do nothing. Our deficit will grow. More families will go bankrupt… And more will die as a result.”

December 9, 2009: "Stop trying to frighten the American people.”
December 16, 2009
: “If we don't pass it, here's the guarantee….your premiums will go up, your employers are going to load up more costs on you,” and “the federal government will go bankrupt.”

Okay, okay.

We’re scared.

J.

December 17, 2009 at 01:47 PM in Current Affairs | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack

December 16, 2009

Top Ten Worst Phrases To Use In The Obama White House

It’s that time of year when writers start creating “Ten Best” -type lists, and author Frances Cole Jones, writing for CNN, is no exception, putting together her “10 worst phrases to use at the office.”

Inspired by this, we have created a similar list for the politically inclined that we call:

Top Ten Worst Phrases To Use In The Obama White House

10) I have Joe Lieberman on Line 1 for you.

9) Desiree Rogers said she’d handle the guest list.

8) Did you want to see the latest ABC poll numbers?

7) I have Joe Biden on Line 2 for you.

6) Did you want to see the latest NBC poll numbers?

5) We’re going to need to cut a few more names from that Hanukkah party list.

4) Did you want to see the latest Gallup numbers?

3) Well, to update your passport I’m going to need to see your birth certificate

2) I've got John Conyers, David Obey, and Anthony Weiner on Line 3 for you.

And the number one worst phrase to use in the Obama White House is:

1) I was just watching Fox News and

J.

December 16, 2009 at 05:10 PM in Current Affairs | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack