Wednesday News Shorts – March 30, 2011

They’ve Been Trying to Warn Us

Radiation in the seawater surrounding the stricken Japanese nuclear power plant in Fukushima has spiked to 1200 times allowable limits despite the desperate efforts of plant workers to stop the damaged nuclear fuel rods from contaminating the environment and endangering Tokyo.

This is not just a national tragedy. This is not just the age-old struggle of man attempting to tame his own creation before it destroys him.

This is the first ten minutes of a Godzilla movie.

And yes, we know we just blew any chance we had at getting that new Aflac duck gig.

 

They Also Believe Strongly in Collective Bargaining

Desperate to secure military aid and increased air strikes from NATO, Libyan rebels’ “Interim National Council” released a manifesto yesterday that is coincidentally written to be very appealing to western sensibilities including calls for democracy, women’s rights, and an end to discrimination.  If they lose any more towns to Gaddafi’s forces, we understand that the Council is prepared to issue calls that gays be accepted into their rebel army under a policy of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Stone,” that they will ban the brutal practice of requiring co-pays for well-child visits up to the age of 21, and that they will compensate rebels for their workman's comp claims from repetitive motion syndrome brought on by repeatedly running in the same direction.

 

“Mommy, Why Is The Angry Lady Yelling At Me?”

The White House will be hosting its traditional Easter Egg Roll on April 25th.  The Obama administration’s first Easter Egg Roll featured the theme, “Let’s Go Play!” and was tied to the First Lady’s “Let’s Move” initiative designed to battle childhood obesity. Last year, with childhood obesity still a pressing issue, the theme dropped the notion of play, and was upgraded to a more urgent “Ready, Set, Go!” This year, perhaps increasingly intent on making some progress in the battle against childhood obesity, the theme dropped any pretense that it’s a suggestion and instead commands the participating children to “Get Up and Go!”

Given the unlikelihood that childhood obesity will abate any time soon, don’t be surprised as future Easter Egg Rolls grow increasingly desperate:

2012: “Get Going and Go!”

2013:  “All of You! Now! Go! Go! Go!”

2014: “Do You Know What ‘Go’ Means? It’s The Opposite of What You’ve Obviously Been Doing All Year! Now, Go!”

2015: “You Fat Little SOBs, Get Going Right Now!”

2016: “Fine, Die of Diabetes and Coronary Artery Disease, See If I Care You Ungrateful Bastards.”

 

Hopefully They Didn’t Pay In Advance

March 29:

Libyan opposition announces plans to export oil

Tarhouni’s remarks came as rebels forces advanced from Ajdabiya through Brega, Ras Lanuf, and As Sidr. These towns, together with rebel-held Tobruk and Zouiatina, give the opposition control over five of Libya's six oil terminals.

March 30:

Rebels continue retreat in eastern Libya

After having been driven back from the town of Bin Jawwad on Tuesday, the rebels retreated through the oil hubs of Ras Lanuf and Brega on Wednesday en route to the strategic city of Ajdabiya

 

Would You Want The Job?

The Politico/NBC Republican Primary Presidential Debate has been postponed from this May to September due to a lack of interest.  Not among viewers, among potential Republican candidates.  A better idea: A debate among candidates who have decided NOT to run.

J.