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April 07, 2011

The War On Dogs – 4/7/2011

They go by many different names on the street.  “Animal Companion.” “Man’s Best Friend.” “Beloved Family Pet.” But police aren’t fooled. They know those are all just other names for dogs.

“The War on Dogs” is a periodic series chronicling the tireless efforts of the nation’s law enforcement officers to rid our society of the scourge of dogs.

March 22, 2011, Gulfport, Mississippi: While investigating a possible break-in, a Gulfport Mississippi police officer came across a dog chained to a pole in a neighbor’s yard. There is really only one thing you can do when you come across a restrained dog in a yard that has nothing to do with your investigation:

Pump it full of bullets.

The distraught owner (They’re always distraught, aren’t they?  Same old story with these people.) noted that “She was just in her yard doing her job and just being a dog."

That was the problem, sir; that was the problem.

April 2, 2011, Berkeley California: Police were called to a residence on reports that several young men were in their backyard brandishing a handgun.  Upon the arrival of four squad cars and five police officers armed with M-16s, it was determined that the perps were using a toy Airsoft pistol, which propels soft rubber balls using compressed air, suggesting the very real possibility that they could put someone’s eye out.

It was at this point that one of the perps pointed out to the police that he had a dog and to please let him put a leash on him.  The officers cuffed him and walked him out of the apartment during which he once again asked if he could put a leash on the dog.  Once outside, he and his friends pleaded with the police not to hurt the dog.

It was at this point, drawing upon his academy training in advanced observational techniques, that one of the officers realized that this man had a dog. Wasting no time, the police officer took out his gunpowderhard gun, which propels hard lead bullets using compressed gunpowder, and shot the dog in the head.

April 4, 2011, Marble Hill, Missouri: A police officer responding to a domestic violence call received permission from a homeowner to search his residence.  She didn’t realize it was probably a set-up as she encountered what every law enforcement officer prepares for but never really expects to have to face:

An aggressive Chihuahua.

Believing her life, and the well-being of the community at large, to be in danger, Deputy Kelly Barks (yes, her real name) shot the dangerous four-pound animal and fearing for her life went outside to examine her injuries.  Discovering she had none, and giving no thought whatsoever to her own personal safety, she re-entered the house and shot the dog again.  When the dog ran into its kennel Deputy Barks did what anyone would do after having shot a Chihuahua twice that had not actually attacked anyone, and shot it a third time.

Understandably having come face to face with a Chihuahua not once, but three times armed only with a high-capacity pistol, Deputy Barks felt she had probably cheated death one too many times and resigned from the Sheriff’s department. 

No doubt the people of Marble Hill feel just a little less safe tonight.

April 6, 2011, Louisville, Kentucky: A suspect believed to have been involved in a home invasion was confronted by police and began to flee.  The police gave desperate chase through the neighborhood until the suspect came into Michelle Damron’s backyard.  There, Damron’s Doberman quickly subdued the surprised suspect bringing the chase to an end and was rewarded for his heroics by being shot to death. 

Hey, we think we just found a storyline for the next Pixar movie!

We should probably point out that police officers do have sympathy for pet owners, despite the fact that they insist on dealing dogs.  In one heart-touching incident last fall, police officers responding to a false burglar alarm shot and killed a woman’s 11-year-old arthritic yellow Labrador Retriever (a breed notorious for aggressively sleeping 14 hours a day). Sure, they were just carrying out their duty and yet were thoughtful enough to leave a note explaining to the woman what had happened:  That they had just shot her 11-year-old arthritic yellow Labrador Retriever.

Forget Pixar, this has Disney written all over it: A heroic Doberman and an old yellow Lab.  Who, working together, both get shot to death. 

We’re thinking a holiday release.


To help you show your support, be sure to purchase one of our official "War on Dogs" T-shirt:

The War on Dogs

Wear it with pride.

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April 7, 2011 at 10:41 PM in Current Affairs, The War on Dogs | Permalink


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The designer of that shirt clearly overestimates the ability of the brave officers who protect from dogs to distinguish a person wearing that shirt from an actual dog.

Posted by: Marty | Apr 12, 2011 10:41:56 PM

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