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September 20, 2011

Maybe He Has an Inner Ear Problem

President Obama yesterday announced his $3.2 trillion deficit reduction plan perfectly balanced between spending cuts and tax increases, because if you’re going to reduce the amount of money you give to people who didn’t earn it, it’s only fair that you increase the amount you take from people who did.

To achieve this balance, the President had to propose spending cuts that can only be described as draconian, adding up to $1.8 trillion over the next ten years made up of:

$1.1 trillion slashed from spending on the Iraq and Afghanistan war efforts that no one was planning on spending anyway since we’re scheduled to withdraw from both countries over the next year. (Surprisingly the President did not include additional savings that could have been had by eliminating our Martian mining colony that no one was planning as that could have easily resulted in another eleventy gazillion dollars in deficit reduction.)

Another $293 billion was found by simply adding the funds we’re not currently planning on spending on the Medicare “doc fix” and then making believe they weren’t added.  (Which reminds us, that ClubJenna subscription did NOT increase our cable bill.  It just didn’t, okay?)

$325 billion in savings in Medicare and Medicaid by instituting reforms and stuff.

On the tax side of the equation, the President is planning on raising $1.8 trillion by increasing taxes, however as the President said, “This is not class warfare,” it’s merely raising taxes on one class so you can give the money to a different class, and if you refuse to give up your money, the government will send armed men to make you.

Okay so it’s a little bit like class warfare, but it’s important to take a closer look at the policy behind the tax increases:

Complicating our Tax Code

We’ve been hearing it for years, “Our tax code is too simple,” with millions of Americans still able to prepare their own taxes without the services of a professional accountant. President Obama is going to put an end to that by adding new tax brackets, exclusions, limits, and rules so that no American will ever be able to figure out his or her own taxes.

Coming out Strongly Against Unfairness That Doesn’t Really Exist

It would be completely unfair and a complete outrage if rich people paid a smaller percentage of their income in taxes than the middle class.  Fortunately, in 99% of the cases they don’t, but still, it would be incredibly outrageously unfair if they did and we should be sure to come out against it using fiery populist rhetoric.  Speaking of which, we are also against using kittens to heat our homes.  There is no justification for it, and those who try to justify it should be called out. Any deficit reduction bill that calls for the use of kittens as home heating fuel, should and will be vetoed. It’s just the right thing to do.

Reducing the Incentives to be Fortunate.

The President made it clear that he thinks “the most fortunate among us” need to pay more in taxes, a sentiment echoed by Treasury Secretary Geithner who also believes that "Americans who are fortunate to make over a million dollars,” should pay more taxes.

Maybe it will be the store owner who will cut back on his 80 hours a week being fortunate at his shop.  Maybe it will be the office worker being fortunate all night to finish a project or the college student who skips parties and pickup football games in order to be fortunate for hours on end in the lab. 

Hey, look, you’ve been being fortunate your whole life, it’s only fair that you share some of that hard fortune with those who decided to be less fortunate and stay home and watch TV.

Motivating Americans

It is important that the President inspires us to greatness, to instill in us his own passion for reform:

“The President is proposing to designate a carried interest in an investment partnership as an “investment services partnership interest” (ISPI) and to tax a partner’s share of income from an ISPI that is not attributable to invested capital as ordinary income, regardless of the character of the income at the partnership level.

Yeah!  “No… um, whatever that is, no peace!!”

Naturally, the President’s plan has been criticized in all the usual quarters, from members of his own party to formerly vocal supporters to The Washington Post, you know, the same kind of broad-based nonpartisan near-universal condemnation every president is going to get no matter what he does.

And so we wish the President luck in saving his job. Er, in saving our jobs.  That’s what we meant to say.


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September 20, 2011 at 04:31 PM in Current Affairs | Permalink


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You, sir, are either an ignorant AlGore dupe or you've just never basked in the warm glow of a kitten fire after a long day's work.

Posted by: Michael | Sep 21, 2011 3:21:11 PM

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