November 14, 2011
Now If Only They’d Bring Back The McDLT
It was a bad week for ‘80s-era icons here at Planet Moron.
First, our alma mater was rocked with scandal when it was revealed that legendary Penn State football coach Joe Paterno treated a credible eyewitness report that his long-time assistant had sexually molested a child with the same sense of urgency and moral outrage one would have accorded to reports that he had been discovered stealing ketchup packets from the dining hall.
Second, and perhaps even more grotesque and stomach-churning, I ate a McRib sandwich, currently making one of its rare limited-engagement appearances on the menu at McDonald’s.
Now, before you jump to conclusions, I should point out that I worked at McDonald’s in the summer of 1979, before the introduction of the McRib, and was impressed with the company’s focus on quality and extensive use of fresh ingredients. In fact, I had trouble convincing people that we used honest-to-goodness eggs that had to each be individually broken open to make Egg McMuffins as if they assumed that the yolk in the center was made out of some kind of advanced polymer (that’s what we put in the milkshakes). No, in my experience, McDonald’s used a surprising number of wholesome ingredients as found in nature.
The McRib was not one of them.
While I never had the distinct honor of making a McRib (after all, I did not have a chemistry degree), I happily indulged in the BBQ-slathered pork-inspired product as a customer, purposefully ignoring the fact that the perfectly formed rib patty was totally devoid of ribs. I never questioned why they put pickles on it (Answer: Shut up, that’s why.) I simply allowed its processed goodness to caress my young palate, which at the time had all the nuance and subtlety of a Michael Bay movie.
And so this weekend, in particular need of the comforting embrace of nostalgia, I purchased my first McRib sandwich in nearly thirty years.
Hey, new packaging. I like it.
Now that really is a tangy temptation!
Okaaaay. Well, let’s take a good look at the side.
That doesn’t look anything like the picture. Fine, let’s open this sucker up…
Oh. My. God. What kind of sadist would make this? What hell-spawn jackal of a demon monster would ever…
Hm. Not bad.
Okay, so the patty was pretty vile, and every time you crunch into an onion or pickle you think it’s gristle (It isn’t. I think.) but the bun was pretty fresh, the sauce was indeed tangy, and, well, it’s a McRib sandwich. Sure, it’s not as good as I remember it, just like the music from the same era wasn’t as good as I remember it either (Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car? Really?). But for a few moments there, Joe Paterno was respected, $200 billion deficits were considered “large," the damage Barack Obama could do was limited to poorly organizing a communty, the World Trade Center was standing, and I still had brown hair.
We will meet again McRib.
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I miss the 80's. Reagan in the White House. Rush on perpetual tour. No DHS. DC still a fun place to live. Life was better then.
Posted by: John | Nov 16, 2011 3:44:35 PM
If the '80s had wireless broadband, I might have never left!
Posted by: Planet Moron | Nov 17, 2011 7:04:20 AM
If SOPA passes then you might as well have not internet at all.
Posted by: John | Nov 18, 2011 4:15:06 PM
Joe Paterno, Icon or Moron?
A person who is notably stupid or lacking in good judgment, (Informal),
By no means stupid but lacking good judgment isn’t this Coach Paterno?
However, before you decide whether or not this moniker for Joe is real,
Make yourself aware of Joe’s sweetheart self negotiated retirement deal.
Very clear that Penn State & its legendary football program new along,
About the abuse of children regarding Jerry Sandusky and it was wrong,
From as early as 1998 factual allegations were still ignored nevertheless,
After all, athletics brought in tens of millions and Joe Pa did it the best.
National Championships, Big Ten Titles, radio, TV, endorsement deals,
What about the little boys? Ah, those physical scars will eventually heal,
Exact same for emotional trauma because time heals wounds & after all,
Were not the kids afforded first hand interaction with Penn State Football?
School President, Athletic Director, Head Coach & the Chief of Security,
Nowhere in the job descriptions was it recommended to, strive for purity,
As it is with all Division I Schools, the bottom line is the almighty dollar,
In that quest for the spotlight who cared if children screamed & hollered?
The investigation & Louis Freeh Report showed with no reasonable doubt,
Every one that could have but did not, simply whimpered instead of shout,
Jerry’s, “Second Mile Charity” was nothing more than a breeding ground,
For child abuse and rumors are surfacing that he even passed them around.
1886, “Liberty has made her home, nor shall her chosen altar be neglected,”
President Grover Cleveland on the, “Statute of Liberty” it is well respected,
On behalf of the United States, “We will not forget” he proudly proclaimed,
Wonder if any Penn State Official bothered to even know the victims names?
The statue of Joe Paterno on campus shall not be removed; it is a big mistake,
Especially as the ex-Federal Judge & FBI Head report confirms Joe is a fake,
Everyone involved who could have made a difference has proven to be a liar,
All this time I thought the purpose of a college degree was to take you higher.
Posted by: Luke Easter | Jul 16, 2012 4:23:14 PM