August 31, 2012
Night 3 of the GOP Convention: He’s Baaa-aaack
Last night, the Romney campaign debuted the revamped model we’ve all been waiting for: The RomneyBot 2012C, the very latest in candidate automatons.
Those familiar with the original RomneyBot 2002M, specifically programmed to run for governor of the state of Massachusetts, would barely recognize this latest version. Much of the original software, what with its outdated pro-choice files and subroutines that supported gay rights and global warming initiatives, have been replaced with pro-choice and traditional marriage programs that better appeal to the GOP target market it is now designed for.
Overall, the RomneyBot 2012C performed well last night, showing off its many improvements including a smile that designers proudly described as “at least 20% less painful.” Observers noted with awed wonder how “lifelike” it appeared, and really showed how far the overall technology has come since the original GoreBot 2000, which, with its stilted movements and exaggerated gestures, appears so primitive now to our modern sensibilities.
Clearly, the RomneyBot 2012C is an excellent product, convincingly reproducing many realistic-sounding noises, such as, “As president, I'll respect the sanctity of life. I'll honor the institution of marriage,” and “We must rein in the skyrocketing cost of health care by repealing and replacing Obamacare.”
It’s almost like there’s a person inside there.
However, many fans of the RomneyBot 2012C are concerned about what changes might be in store with the next upgrade, known in the trades as “the RomneyBot 2013.” Will the pro-life apps be compatible? Will it cost more than we're expecting? Will it still fit snugly in the party platform designed for the current model?
And will it have a removable flash drive and a battery that can be replaced by the user?
Wait, we might be thinking of the iPhone.
Regardless, Many Americans may be willing to give a robot a try.
It’s not like the humans have done such a great job.
August 30, 2012
Night 2 of the GOP Convention: Republican Party 2.0
While last night was Paul Ryan’s night, Republicans did set aside some time to continue to wage their ongoing war on women primarily by electing or appointing them to high offices such as governor and Secretary of State, and then providing them a national forum so that their voices could be heard.
Why not just come right and say it, “Get back in the kitchen, woman!”
After having successfully denigrated women, it was time for Paul Ryan to come out on the stage and lay out a vision of limited government and fiscal responsibility that the GOP absolutely double pinky swears is true this time.
Cross their hearts and hope to die!
Some highlights with explanations as to what he really meant:
“In a clean break from the Obama years, and frankly from the years before this president, we will keep federal spending at 20 percent of GDP, or less.”
You know all that reckless deficit spending we sort of engaged in when we were in charge? That is so $5 trillion ago.
“They have no answer to this simple reality: We need to stop spending money we don't have.”
At least we need to start doing that now. Before was different. We were young and carefree. We swear we won’t disappoint you again. You can trust us. You trust us, don’t you? If we ever meant anything to you before, give us this chance.
“It began with a housing crisis they alone didn't cause.”
Yeah, we kind of had a hand in that one, too. But not anymore. Those days are over. We’ve changed, we really have. We see now that it was balanced budgets that we really love, not all that crazy spending and borrowing. It was a fling. It meant nothing. What do we have to do, beg? You want us to beg? Because we’ll beg.
“ObamaCare comes to more than 2,000 pages of rules, mandates, taxes, fees and fines that have no place in a free country.”
This would probably be as good a time as any to point out that Massachusetts is a state, not a country.
“So here is our pledge. We will not duck the tough issues, we will lead. We will not spend the next four years blaming others, we will take responsibility. We will not try to replace our founding principles, we will reapply our founding principles.”
In short, we will be a Republican party THAT HAS NEVER ACTUALLY EXISTED BEFORE.
Hey, it gave us goose bumps.
Either that, or we were breaking out in hives.
August 29, 2012
Night 1 of the GOP Convention: The War on The Women Folk
The Republicans’ well-known “war on women” was on full display last night as they continued their unrelenting assault on “the fairer sex.”
Take for example, this woman:
Can anyone think of a greater show of disrespect than electing someone to be the first woman governor of South Carolina? And then as if to add insult to injury, giving her a prime-time speaking spot at their national presidential nominating convention?
Apparently, Republicans think there is only one proper place for a woman: “Barefoot and governing.”
This is in marked contrast to the respect Democrats routinely show for the difficult personal choices women make in life. Take for example, Juan Williams who said of Mitt Romney’s wife, Anne, following her well-recieved speech to the convention:
“She looks like a corporate wife.”
It’s almost like he respects women too much.
“Those stories she told about struggles, it’s hard for me to believe.”
Try paying for your own birth control. Now that’s a “woman’s issue.” We bet Anne Romney has never been faced with the prospect of having to choose between a $14 pack of spermicidal jelly and the $40,000-a-year tuition at Georgetown University.
Those are the choices “real” women have to make every day. Not choosing which difficult MS treatment might best allow you to see your children grow up and marry.
And here’s another well-known Democrat displaying the deep, natural respect all liberals have for career women:
Is there really anything more empowering than being told, “Hold on one second sweetie?”
Answer: “No. No there is not.”
The GOP’s war on women was in fact so brutal that MSNBC thought it better to shield their viewers from the disturbing images including the deplorable treatment of minority women. There they were, put on display as if they were nothing more than powerful political players successfully making their way in the world through their own merit and hard work.
This dystopian vision of an America in which women are relentlessly valued as equals fully capable of making their own decisions in life is in marked contrast to the far more respectful Democratic view of women as frail wards of the state in need of constant aid and helpful guidance lest they whither away.
Those poor dears!
Will this seemingly endless assault on women continue tonight? We don’t know, we are only thankful that MSNBC’s Chris Matthews will be there reporting on it.
He’s kind of an expert, you know.
August 27, 2012
IRS – Internal Retroactive Service
President Obama believes solar energy must play an important role in our “clean energy” future, ultimately helping to replace fossil and other non-renewable energy sources. To further this end, his administration is taking the following steps:
- Make solar panels more expensive than they have to be.
- Hit small businesses that install solar panels with hundreds of thousands of dollars in retroactive taxes.
Apparently, the problem is that China’s unfairly government-subsidized bankrupt solar panel companies are driving America’s unfairly government-subsidized bankrupt solar panel companies out of business through lower prices.
This is simply an outrage that cannot be allowed to stand, unless we are willing to accept a future in which America is a distant #2 in wholly unviable business plans.
In order to address this inequity, the Obama administration is slapping tariffs of up to 250% on solar panels made in China, thereby making it much more likely that American consumers will forgo purchasing Chinese-made solar panels, and will instead install propane.
To make sure this policy had the full intended effect, the administration also plans to charge American businesses that already purchased and sold the Chinese solar panels earlier this year with the 250% tax retroactively.
We know what you’re thinking, “You disappear for five months and now think you can just waltz back in here and start posting like nothing has changed?”
“We wept for you.”
Also, “That hardly sounds fair. These people operated in good faith under the laws that existed at the time."
Ignorance of the laws that haven’t been enacted yet is no excuse.
For example, together with Congress, the Obama administration is attempting to collect tariffs on Chinese off-road tires that were imported years before such a tariff existed.
Surprisingly, those affected by the new time displacement tax, including one person who in part lost his business over it, are suing.
No doubt you think an important principle is at stake here in that it makes it nearly impossible to plan for the future under such circumstances. How right you are!
How is the government supposed to plan for the future if the application of its tax laws are going to be subject to every Tom, Dick and Harry with a calendar? It’s hard enough to plan for the future without taking the entire past off the table.
In any case, there are some heartwarming stories coming out of this policy. For example, take Bill Keith, an enterprising entrepreneur who invented an attic fan that runs purely on solar power. Feted by the Obama administration and used on campaign stops, Mr. Keith created jobs in the U.S. by using only American-made parts for his fans.
Except there are no longer any domestic manufacturers of the solar panels he needs and the IRS is about to ruin him with punitive retroactive tax penalties for using foreign ones.
Okay, that wasn’t as heartwarming as we could have hoped.
Regardless, the point isn’t that President Obama is forcing Americans to pay more for solar panels than they have to or that he’s destroying small businesses with retroactive taxes all in the name of protecting large corporate interests.
It’s that President Obama is for the little guy.
August 24, 2012
Playing Catch Up
For those readers who rely on Planet Moron as their primary source of news and information, we thought we’d provide a brief recap of some of the more noteworthy events of the past several months and also remind those readers that there are services and resources available for them to get the help they so desperately need..
In April we were greeted with doomsayer Paul Ehrlich’s latest call that we must dramatically reduce the number of people not named Paul Ehrlich if we are to save the world from overpopulation.
Most readers will remember Mr. Ehrlich for his bestselling 1968 book, “Population Bomb,” about which he says, “Most of the predictions have proved correct.”
Except for the part where we’re all dead.
But otherwise, spot on.
Still, Mr. Ehrlich notes:
“Things have been coming up worse than was predicted. We have the threats now of vast epidemics.”
Not actual epidemics, like we used to have, but threats of epidemics, which when you think about it is even worse. (You have to think about it a really long time. Also, you have to be Paul Ehrlich.)
In May, the famous liberal economist and former Clinton Labor Secretary, Robert Reich, astonished his followers by coming out in full support of free market economics, pointing out that:
“The answer isn’t socialism, it’s capitalism.”
There were only two things that Mr. Reich did not like about capitalism that he thought needed to be changed:
- The Capital
- The ism.
As it turns out, the problem with capitalism as Mr. Reich see it is that it does not “fairly distribute its benefits,” by which he means, that the benefits are mostly distributed to those who created them as opposed to those who did not.
In what kind of crazy upside-down world is that fair?
All we need to do according to Mr. Reich is to nationalize the health insurance industry, forcibly reduce executive salaries and redistribute the wealth to laborers (or else!), break up the banks, and further federalize public education.
“We don't need socialism. We need a capitalism that works for the vast majority.“
Which conveniently enough just so happens to be capitalism.
In June we were informed that Pell grants, the free money provided to people who don’t want to have to in any way, whether through work, loans, or otherwise, pay for their own college education, were devouring the federal education budget with little to show for it. However, this analysis overlooked the crucial role Pell grants play in addressing the needs of our nation’s fast food industry and its chronic shortage of English Lit. majors.
Also in June, we were treated to a European court decision that ruled that workers who happen to get sick during their vacation have the right to demand that they be granted another vacation to make up for it.
In totally unrelated news, Europe continues to slowly swirl down the drain of fiscal insolvency. Experts remain baffled as to the cause or the solutions but hope that one day they may come to understand this impenetrable mystery.
In July President Obama made what might be his most famous taken-totally-out-of-context gaffe when he suggested that private business owners did not build their businesses. What he meant to say, was that:
"Every single great idea that has marked the 21st century, the 20th century and the 19th century has required government vision and government incentive."
Wait, sorry, that was Joe Biden.
Anyway, you get the idea. In no way does the President mean to demean the hardworking entrepreneurs who through guile, courage, and perseverance, made this nation great. It’s just that they can’t dismiss the important role burdensome regulations, meddlesome bureaucrats, and capricious enforcement play in creating prosperity.
Which reminds us, Amtrak managed to lose $800 million selling $9 hamburgers.
You think private industry could do that absent government vision and incentive?
In August we have the Presidential race heating up as both major political parties prepare for their respective conventions.
From what we can tell, the Democrats are planning on focusing on the one issue that has naturally drowned out all others this election cycle:
You hear it all across the country as struggling families gather around their kitchen tables wondering where their next abortion is going to come from. Let’s be honest with ourselves, we are all facing the very real prospect that for the first time in American history, the next generation will have a lower standard of abortions than the last.
As for the Republicans, Mitt Romney made the risky decision of the extremely extreme extremist, Paul Ryan, as his choice for Vice President. Congressman Ryan is possibly best known for the extreme “Ryan Plan” which would extremely take a hatchet to the current $3.8 trillion federal budget and hack it all the way up to $4.9 trillion by 2022.
It’s like he has no heart.
Which brings us to today. Not to worry, as we enter this election season, you can count on Planet Moron to be at your side. Well, maybe not at your side. Possibly more like slumped over in your chair having drunk all your liquor, made a pass at your wife, used your credit card to order a cable TV baseball playoff package, made a pass at your daughter, used up all your artisan cheese by melting it over elbow macaroni, and made a pass at your dog.
But that’s kind of like the same thing.