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September 06, 2013

Remember, Always Rinse Your Produce to Remove The Sarin Residue

The story that is clearly dominating the headlines this week is the very real potential for retaliation against the use of chemical weapons on innocent children by what can only be described as an evil and morally bankrupt monster.

We speak of course of the American agriculture industry.

This, according to Maria Rodale, CEO of Rodale press, a position she achieved through old-fashioned hard work, sacrifice, and sharing the last name, “Rodale” with the company’s founder. In an open letter to President Obama she wrote:

Yes, Syria has undoubtedly used chemical weapons on its own people. Maybe it was the government; maybe it was the opposition; maybe you know for sure. But here's what I know for sure: We are no better. We have been using chemical weapons on our own children -- and ourselves -- for decades, the chemical weapons we use in agriculture to win the war on pests, weeds, and the false need for ever greater yields."

(Although presumably that “false need” depends on whether or not you are among the millions of people not starving to death right now.)

Regardless, the alleged use of chemical weapons in Syria has certainly received most of the press what with images of young Syrian children suffering gruesome, painful deaths, but is the agricultural industry’s use of pesticides, herbicides, and other chemicals to enhance yields, create bountiful harvests and feed a growing population around the world really all that different?

If you are like most Planet Moron readers, you’re probably thinking, “I waited nine months for this?”  Also, “You know what, if pressed, I would probably come down on the side of this being a little bit different.”

Keep in mind however that you are not an accomplished businesswoman with years of experience being the granddaughter of J.I. Rodale. 

As she explains,

As the CEO of the world's leading health-and-wellness publisher and the granddaughter of the founder of the organic movement in America, I am uniquely qualified to explain it to you.”

Exactly. Just as you would be uniquely qualified to take the controls of a 747 on its final approach to JFK were you the granddaughter of the founder of Boeing.

Likewise, her extensive publishing experience which includes cover articles such as, “33 Secrets to Sizzling Summer Sex,” and “4 Sex Positions Every Man Should Try” clearly qualifies her to lecture the rest of us on biochemical processes, physiology, and oncology. In fact, when it comes to the efficacy and safety of pesticides, who are you going to listen to?  Esteemed scientists in the field, or the person behind such groundbreaking research as “Does She Deserve a Spanking? Yes! In fact, she's far kinkier than you think”?

You see, chemical pesticides are killing our children just as assuredly as sarin gas killed those Syrian youngsters, just a lot more slowly. Like, really, really slowly. So slowly in fact, that it appears to be actually killing them backwards.

Sometimes when it comes to apocalypse, you have to be patient.

As Ms. Rodale explains:

“We've been trying to tell you for years that chemical companies like Monsanto, Syngenta, Dow, DuPont, Bayer Crops Sciences, and others are poisoning our children and our environment with your support and even, it seems, your encouragement. Just because their bodies aren't lined up wrapped in sheets on the front pages of the newspapers around the world doesn't mean it's not true.”

Exactly, just because something isn’t happening doesn’t mean it isn't happening. 

Okay, that one is probably going to need some work.

No matter, as you can plainly see, why on earth would we contemplate dropping bombs on people accused of using chemical weapons based on dubious evidence when we can instead be dropping bombs on people accused of using chemical weapons based on no evidence whatsoever!

Besides, unlike some places, it’s a lot less likely that an attack on Monsanto is going radicalize Matilda from accounting or result in Missouri descending into widespread anarchy and chaos.

Well, except maybe for nearby East St. Louis.

J.

Note to Readers: For those of you wondering why I haven’t posted in nine months, I actually have a very good explanation.

I forgot.

Carry on!

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September 6, 2013 at 03:37 PM in Current Affairs | Permalink

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Comments

Welcome back

Posted by: MPH | Sep 7, 2013 11:16:12 AM

Welcome back indeed! Happy to see a new post. Thank you J.
-Jeff

Posted by: JC | Sep 9, 2013 2:47:05 AM

Well worth the wait! The MyHabit babe of the week is worth the wait as well.

Posted by: TheOldMan | Sep 9, 2013 1:32:58 PM

I didn't know I still had this many readers, so thanks!

And, TheOldMan, I didn't want you to be lonely. ;)

Posted by: Planet Moron | Sep 10, 2013 7:13:24 AM

Sometimes PlanetMoron just trips off the fingers, and I had to remind myself it didn't update anymore. So much for that behavior modification.

Also, not sure where I was meant to go from this. I started out pro-pesticide, and then Rodale wasn't making any good points. But somewhere around the "extensive publishing experience" paragraph I felt my allegiance slipping. Not sure why.

Posted by: Amarsir | Sep 11, 2013 3:13:27 PM

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