October 16, 2013
Our National Nightmare – White House Garden Edition
Among the very many tragedies that have resulted from the government shutdown, perhaps even worse than Congressman having to wash their own gym towels, is the fate of Michelle Obama’s vegetable garden which has descended into a kind of futuristic dystopian nightmare where feral squirrels devour organic heirloom tomatoes, weeds overtake the once meticulous vegetable beds, and worms gorge themselves on the President’s sweet potatoes (which it should be pointed out, are technically tubers and not vegetables, but hey, the guy can call down drone strikes so let’s just keep that to ourselves).
The garden was originally meant to set an example to average Americans of what could be accomplished with just a little determination, a can-do attitude, and a full-time professional staff of gardners.
Really, why you fat slobs don’t just get up off the couch for once and hire a nationally acclaimed organic farmer to tend to your kitchen garden we’ll never know.
If you are like most Planet Moron Readers, you’re probably asking yourself, “Is pepperoni a vegetable? Because if it is, I’m golden.”
Also, “I’ve seen the pictures, my 80-year-old grandmother takes care of a bigger garden than that by herself. Why doesn’t the First Lady and her daughters go get their hands dirty for once when the cameras aren’t running?”
Hey, you know what? You’ve got some anger issues out there. You really need to watch your tone. Michelle Obama is the First Lady! She has never done much of anything of note other than marrying well, pointing out that moving around is probably a good idea, and alerting the populace to epiphanies such as, “Water is so basic.” She has never herself stood for office or been elected by the people to in any way represent them, or chosen by them to be a spokesperson for their interests and as such is deserving of our… wait a second, where were we going with this?
Regardless, we hope the shutdown ends soon so Michelle Obama can write sequel to her book, “American Grown: The Story of the White House Kitchen Garden and Gardens Across America.” Working title:
“American Rot: The Story of Watching the White House Garden go to Seed From The Comfort of My Bedroom Window.”
In other shutdown news, the Park Service finally figured out that using one of its two barriers to block the exit on the George Washington Parkway scenic overlooks kind of defeated the whole purpose of keeping people out and has now placed both at the entrance.
Just another way the Park Service is managing to cost taxpayers more money when they are closed than when they are open.
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Man, I can't wait for this darn shutdown to end. I have a vegetable garden, but a new job with an insanely long commute means that I'd have to get up ridiculously early to tend it, and that would interfere with my drinking.
But a link from one of your links told me this: "What is standard practice in the average citizen's home garden typically does not go on in Mrs. Obama's vegucation showcase. Mature plants are routinely socked into the beds to keep the garden looking lush and full."
It's not too late in the season for someone to stock my garden with mature plants and tend my vegucation showcase. As soon as the government is back in business I'll let them know they have permission to stock my back yard.
Posted by: Michael | Oct 16, 2013 4:59:55 PM
May I reprint?
Posted by: bluebird of bitterness | Oct 20, 2013 11:39:51 PM
Yes you may, thanks!
Posted by: Planet Moron | Oct 21, 2013 3:16:34 PM