March 10, 2014
Innocence of the Law is no Excuse
As if parents with school-age children don’t have enough to worry about already, what with whether or not their children are eating enough vegetables from the red-orange subgroups, or ensuring that they participate in as little physical activity as possible, now we have a scourge Planet Moron has been following for some time:
Some might dismiss the threat posed by imaginary weapons, however they’re not taking fully into account the many pretend deaths that could result if schools didn’t act quickly and decisively to neutralize the non-existent threat.
Take for example, the boy caught red-handed with an imaginary bow and arrow.
Look, you could put out a make-believe eye with that thing.
If only the trouble ended there. The problem with letting little things, like not having a bow and arrow, pass without the proper disciplinary action, is that things can quickly escalate into children believing that they can get away with not having even deadlier weapons.
And that’s how we end up with the boy with the finger gun.
First of all, as any young boy will tell you, finger guns have a nearly inexhaustible supply of pretend ammo, limited only by the ability to say “bang,” quite possibly putting the finger gun in violation of magazine ammo limits.
And second, finger guns are the gateway weapon to other harmless non-firearms, such as the miniature gun-shaped key chain charm.
Don’t let its diminutive size fool you. It may be small, but it’s just as not deadly as the finger gun.
Perhaps it’s the times we live in, but it doesn’t stop there, either. Yes, now we have:
Keep in mind that the only difference between a make-believe bomb and the real thing, is that a make-believe bomb doesn’t actually exist. And that is simply a difference without a distinction. Other than the distinction that it’s not real.
And so, when it comes to education, we here at Planet Moron fully support zero tolerance for anyone found in possession of things they are not actually in possession of, and that the punishment meted out should be as severe as if they had actually done something wrong.
Hey, a little compassion and common sense here, people.
March 05, 2014
“AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!” He Explained
There have been some concerns raised lately regarding the safety of a common food additive called azodicarbonamide, or “ADA,” which is used mostly to soften the texture of baked goods. While recognized as safe by the FDA, some people have cited research calling this into question, pointing out that ADA breaks down into urethane, which can be toxic.
If you are like most Planet Moron Readers, you’re probably thinking to yourself, “Unless they’re adding it to gin, cigarettes, or despair, it doesn’t really affect me.”
Also, “I could see how that could be something worth looking into, but certainly nothing go get hysterical about.”
And that’s the problem. You’re not going to get frenzied headlines over an obscure substance that has for decades been used widely in food with little obvious ill effect.
But that’s a problem that’s easily resolved. All you have to do is point out that ADA is also used in industrial applications such as in the production of foamed plastics as a blowing agent. What good does knowing that do you?
And just like that, we have ourselves a national health crisis.
Now, if someone wants to argue with you, noting that bread without ADA still has urethane, you can point out that they are eating yoga mats. And when they add that the mere act of toasting a slice of ADA-free bread produces far more urethane, you can say they might as well be toasting a yoga mat, and how about some butter for that yoga mat, you yoga mat eater
Also, yoga mat.
See how much easier non-sequiturs make having what would otherwise be a boring debate over scientific merit?
Intrigued by the potential for creating wholly pointless hysteria, Planet Moron launched an extensive investigation that included wandering around our kitchen in pajamas, and has uncovered disturbing evidence that our food, the food you feed your family, the food you provide to your innocent, trusting, children, contains substances that are also used in totally unrelated products that sound scary.
For example, there’s calcium carbonate. That sounds kind of chemically. It can be used as a preservative and also as a color retainer on such foods as organic apples.
You know what else calcium carbonate can be used for? Filler in unplasticized polyvinyl chloride drain pipe!
That’s right, when you’re eating an organic apple, you’re basically sucking on a drain pipe.
And it gets even worse. Take this common bottle of salad dressing.
Looks benign enough, and eating salads is healthy! Well, take a closer look.
That salad dressing of yours contains vinegar. You know what else has vinegar? Yeah, that’s right. Forget Wishbone, think Windex.
How does dumping a bottle of Italian window cleaner all over your greens sound, huh? Clearly we must act now to see to it that this powerful industrial detergent is removed from all salad dressings.
Well, all this talk of food has made us hungry. A nice big bowl of aircraft-de-icing fluid sounds just about right.