April 22, 2014
Addressing First World Problems Since 1970
Do you know what today is?
If you are like most Planet Moron readers, you’re probably thinking, “Tuesday, why? Did I miss a parole hearing? That’s not until Thursday.”
Also, “Wait, it’s Earth Day, isn’t it?”
Exactly. And to better help readers reacquaint themselves with this decades-long tradition, we’ve prepared a little Q&A:
Q: What is Earth Day all about?
A: Its primary purpose is to raise awareness about environmental concerns that threaten our well being.
Q: You mean, the one-third of the world’s population that cooks and keeps warm burning twigs and dung, 4.3 million of which died in 2012 from the deadly fumes and resultant air pollution?
A: What? No. Threatens us. Not someone else.
Q: What threatens us?
A: Way too many lights on at night.
Q: That’s a threat?
A: Absolutely. It’s called light pollution. That is why we should all pitch in to help and keep lights off at night for the next week.
Q: You know who’s a big proponent of keeping the lights off at night?
A: Al Gore?
Q: Close. Kim Jong Un.
A: An Earth Day champion if there ever was one!
Q: Now, what about those millions of people dying every year from air pollution?
A: Hey, they can pitch in too. They can put out their smoldering piles of twigs and dung at night.
Q: Won’t they go cold and hungry?
A: Sure, but think of the brilliant night sky view they'll have!
April 17, 2014
And Here We Thought Billionaires Spending Their Money Trying to Influence Public Policy Was “Un-American"
That ought to show them!
Of course, Mayor Bloomberg takes a slightly different approach. While the NRA seeks to educate the public in the proper use, care, and storage of firearms including practical safety tips and rules that promote responsibility and safe practices, Mr. Bloomberg believes it is more productive to scare the living hell out of you.
Of course we are being unfair. At the end of the video in which he scares the living hell out of you, he suggests you “start the conversation about responsible gun ownership in your home and community.”
Sure, the NRA conducts the Eddie Eagle gun safety program in elementary schools all across the country, and conducts hundreds of hands-on courses for adults every year but, yeah, sure, conversations are good too.
So, you click on the “ACT NOW” button at the very end of the video and are informed that,
"No, it shouldn’t!"
"Well then, let’s do that!"
"Me? Great, Let’s get going, then.”
"I want to help stop the violence? How?"
"Yeah! I’ll join the movement! Wait, the movement for what?"
It doesn’t matter. Join the damn movement.
“Where’s the rest?”
“What kind of information?”
That we need to start a conversation.
"Fine, fine, I'll go to the video on YouTube and start a conversation. "
So, let’s contrast and compare. First, the NRA’s list of things you can do to promote responsible gun ownership:
- ALWAYS keep the gun pointed in a safe direction.
- ALWAYS keep your finger off the trigger until ready to shoot.
- ALWAYS keep the gun unloaded until ready to use.
And now let’s review Michael Bloomberg’s list:
- Start a conversation.
- Act now
- Join the movement.
It’s not even close. If the NRA wants to be taken seriously about gun safety, it’s going to have to spend more time starting conversations and joining movements and less time on instructing people in the safe handling of firearms.
It’s for the children, you know.
April 15, 2014
He Hearts IRS
Virginia state Delegate and Democratic Congressional primary candidate Patrick Hope believes that in order to tackle the federal budget deficit, we need to raise taxes, but in doing so we should spare people who make less than $250,000 from this additional burden.
In other news, Virginia state Delegate and Democratic Congressional primary candidate Patrick Hope makes less than $250,000.
If you are like most Planet Moron readers, you’re probably thinking to yourself, “That reminds me, isn’t today April 15th? All this talk about taxes rings a bell for some reason, like I should be doing something…”
Also, “Well, most people make less than $250,000.”
Yes, but Patrick Hope makes $231,197 a year.
However we’re not suggesting that this is anything other than a coincidence. The difference between some fat cat making $250,000 a year, and a regular working man like Patrick Hope bringing home $231,197 a year is significant. It’s like the difference between riding around in a Mercedes, and riding around in a slightly less expensive Mercedes. It’s the difference between being able to afford a 12-day Mediterranean cruise and a 10-day Mediterranean cruise.
Hey, those hot shot SOBs who make a little bit more than Delegate Hope can afford to skip Barcelona, okay, and slum it in Athens and Cyprus like the rest of us common folks who have to work for a living. As health care lobbyists.
Hope believes he’s hit on a winning formula, pointing out that raising taxes on people who make more money than he does,
“Solves our revenue problem very simply, by bringing in more revenue.”
Well, more, more revenue.
That’s how you can tell you have a revenue problem. When you bring in more revenue than you ever have before in the history of the country and are still running huge deficits.