October 23, 2013
Obamacare User Guide
There has been an unfortunate amount of confusion regarding how to apply for insurance under Obamacare, most likely due to the lack of information available during the government shutdown. In this vacuum, many people simply went looking to sign up using the web site.
What is this, 2005?
Nobody uses the Internet anymore. Sure, Obamacare has a web site but that was mostly just for older citizens who are simply more comfortable with things they are familiar with, no matter how obviously dated, like CDs, or Miley Cyrus keeping her clothes on.
As it turns out, Obamacare is much more cutting edge, with new and exciting ways to sign up. To help you with what may be unfamiliar technology, we’ve prepared a short user’s guide.
The Obamacare User Guide
Putting The “no” in “Innovation!”
No doubt, most of you are unfamiliar with this exciting new development. At only a fraction of the thickness of an iPad, and lighter than a Galaxy S4, Obamacare’s paper applications are a stunning site to behold.
And when it comes to flexible displays, the future is here! Paper can be flexed into all manner of shapes, and even made into small flying craft, “paper airplanes,” if you will. Try that with a laptop! Paper is like the carbon nanotubes of the new century, with nearly limitless applications!
And paper is totally backwards compatible with any type of writing instrument, from pens, to pencils, to Sharpies to crayons. It’s obsolescence proof!
You’ll find using paper technology to apply for Obamacare is as easy as 1-2-3!
Then it’s on to page 2!
And some appendices.
And just like that, it’s a week later and you’re almost ready to send in your application. Which brings us to a related innovation.
Rather than go through the laborious process of first finding out where your cursor is on your monitor, then looking for the “Send” button, then moving your cursor all the way over to the Send button and then having to apply downward pressure in order to “click” on it like you have to do using the Internet, all Obamacare’s paper application requires is the quick and easy application of a stamp! For those of you younger than 27, please refer to our stamp FAQ below for any questions you may have.
Stamp Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What’s a stamp?
A: It’s a sticky piece of paper you apply to an envelope.
Q: What’s an envelope?
A: It’s a paper folder with a sticky flap you put your paper application in.
Q: What’s paper?
A: Please see section above.
Q: Is it also sticky?
A: Not usually, no.
Q: Because it seems like everything having to do with paper is sticky.
A: The paper application is not sticky.
Q: I hate sticky things. Ever spill a latte on an Xbox game pad? Now that’s sticky.
A: It’s not sticky.
Q: Boy, I could use a latte right now.
A: Remember, you’re trying to apply for health care.
Q: Oh,yeah. So, can I get unlimited stamping?
A: No, not really.
Q: Can I roll over my unused stamps to the next month?
A: As a matter of fact, you can.
After Sending in your paper application using a stamp, you can now sit back and relax, and know that you’re covered. In 6 to 8 weeks. Maybe.
Toll-Free Phone Number
Phones aren’t just for texting, updating your facebook status or sending instagrams, you can talk on it, too!
It’s true! And Obamacare makes use of this technology by permitting you to call a toll-free phone number. Please consult our Toll-Free Phone Number Faq if you have any questions.
Toll-Free Phone Number FAQ
Q: What’s a toll?
A: Its’ when you have to pay for a phone call.
Q: You have to pay for phone calls?
A: Well, in a sense…
Q: Because I have unlimited calling.
A: Well, then, you don’t have to worry about it.
Q: Then why bring it up?
A: It’s mainly for people who use land lines.
Q: What’s a land line?
A: It’s a phone that is wired to the wall.
Q: Oh, like those pens at banks.
A: Well, not re…
Q: So people won’t steal them, got it.
A: No, that’s not…
Q: I guess it would make sense that people who are too poor to be able to afford unlimited calling probably live in bad neighborhoods and would want to wire their phones to the wall.
A: No, you’re missing the point…
Q: So, what if I don’t need the toll-free number, what should I do?
A: Use a stamp.
Q: What’s a stamp?
And there you have it. As the President said, Obamacare is “not just a web site.”
It’s also stacks of paper and call centers!
That all rely on the web site.
October 21, 2013
Our National Nightmare - Week… Wait, What? It’s Over?
The federal shutdown came to an abrupt end last Thursday when the government reopened, thus freeing the American people to once again drink in the intoxicating elixir of liberty, in part by pulling into the parking lots on the side of the George Washington Parkway.
Now we know what it must have felt like when Thomas Jefferson finally seized Iwo Jima from the Nazis and put an end to the Hundred Years War.
If you are like most Americans, you’re probably thinking, “Thomas Jefferson wasn’t at Iwo Jima, he dropped the Atomic bomb on Godzilla in order to destroy the Death Star. “
Also, “Wait a second, the shutdown is over? We have some questions.”
Of course you do.
Q: So, what does it mean to have the shutdown ended?
A: Hundreds of thousands of government workers are now back on the job, doing the non-essential work of the people.
Q: Surely there’s more to it than that.
A: Of course there is. With the government fully back up and running, school children will once again be able to say the pledge of allegiance.
Q: Are there any downsides?
A: Well, the barricade industry is probably heading for a prolonged slump.
Q: Any others?
A: Not really. Wait, oh yeah, utter fiscal catastrophe. Otherwise, we’re good.
Q: So, what did the GOP gain by shutting down the government and threatening national bankruptcy? A postponement of Obamacare?
Q: Cuts in spending?
Q: Entitlement reform?
Q: What, then?
A: Republican Paul Ryan and Democrat Patty Murray agreed to have breakfast.
Q: Are there any lessons can we learn from this sorry episode?
A: As the old saying goes, never take a hostage unless you are prepared to release him totally unharmed.
Q: So, we’re going to see this whole thing all over again next year?
A: Yes, the issues at hand are simply too grave not to be willing to stand up for your principles, and then sit right back down again. Do you know what that’s called?
October 16, 2013
Our National Nightmare – White House Garden Edition
Among the very many tragedies that have resulted from the government shutdown, perhaps even worse than Congressman having to wash their own gym towels, is the fate of Michelle Obama’s vegetable garden which has descended into a kind of futuristic dystopian nightmare where feral squirrels devour organic heirloom tomatoes, weeds overtake the once meticulous vegetable beds, and worms gorge themselves on the President’s sweet potatoes (which it should be pointed out, are technically tubers and not vegetables, but hey, the guy can call down drone strikes so let’s just keep that to ourselves).
The garden was originally meant to set an example to average Americans of what could be accomplished with just a little determination, a can-do attitude, and a full-time professional staff of gardners.
Really, why you fat slobs don’t just get up off the couch for once and hire a nationally acclaimed organic farmer to tend to your kitchen garden we’ll never know.
If you are like most Planet Moron Readers, you’re probably asking yourself, “Is pepperoni a vegetable? Because if it is, I’m golden.”
Also, “I’ve seen the pictures, my 80-year-old grandmother takes care of a bigger garden than that by herself. Why doesn’t the First Lady and her daughters go get their hands dirty for once when the cameras aren’t running?”
Hey, you know what? You’ve got some anger issues out there. You really need to watch your tone. Michelle Obama is the First Lady! She has never done much of anything of note other than marrying well, pointing out that moving around is probably a good idea, and alerting the populace to epiphanies such as, “Water is so basic.” She has never herself stood for office or been elected by the people to in any way represent them, or chosen by them to be a spokesperson for their interests and as such is deserving of our… wait a second, where were we going with this?
Regardless, we hope the shutdown ends soon so Michelle Obama can write sequel to her book, “American Grown: The Story of the White House Kitchen Garden and Gardens Across America.” Working title:
“American Rot: The Story of Watching the White House Garden go to Seed From The Comfort of My Bedroom Window.”
In other shutdown news, the Park Service finally figured out that using one of its two barriers to block the exit on the George Washington Parkway scenic overlooks kind of defeated the whole purpose of keeping people out and has now placed both at the entrance.
Just another way the Park Service is managing to cost taxpayers more money when they are closed than when they are open.
October 14, 2013
Our National Nightmare – Week 3
Q: Are areas served by the National Park Service still being Barricaded?
A: Partly. We took some pictures this morning of the two barren parking lots scenic overlooks along the George Washington Parkway. The first one was still closed.
But people had broken through the barricades of the second one and can be seen “recreating” in clear violation of the law
Q: Let’s start calling that a “Liberty Lot!”
A: More like a Lawbreaker Lot, if you ask us.
Q: We heard there was a protest this weekend among vets angry over the closure of war memorials.
A: Yes, hundreds of vets turned out.
Q: Well, that’s something.
A: Unfortunately, they were racists.
Q: What? How can you make a blanket statement like that?
A: There was a guy there with a confederate flag.
Q: Wait a second. The Occupy Wall Street movement that got such good press had scores of self-professed anti-Semites holding up signs. What would you call those?
Q: And one guy among hundreds with a Confederate flag?
Q: Okay, so how are the negotiations over the shutdown going?
A: Not well, Republicans refused to accept a demand by Democrats to roll back parts of the sequester.
Q: They want to negotiate over the shutdown? That’s how this started and Republicans were accused of committing economic treason.
A: That’s right.
Q: What’s it called when Democrats do it?
Q: So, where does this leave us?
A: It’s an embarrassment. Here we have duly elected representatives with different viewpoints representing the interests of a diverse electorate.
Q: Wait, that’s not a good thing?
A: Don’t you understand, the French are laughing at us!
Q: Who cares about that?
A: People who spend a lot of time in France.
October 09, 2013
Let Freedom Ring! However, You’re Going To Need a Permit For The Bell. – Government Shutdown Edition
“Let Freedom Ring! However, You’re Going To Need a Permit For The Bell,” is a periodic series in which we explore the new and exciting ways in which the notions of freedom and liberty are being interpreted in our modern and progressive world.
OUT: A chance to see the nation’s natural majesty.
IN: A chance to see the nation ruled by His Majesty.
Members of a tour bus group that included many foreign visitors and senior citizens found themselves caught inside Yellowstone National Park when the shutdown began. Clearly, these were innocent parties, and so the Park Service ensured that armed guards locked them inside their hotel, prevented them from taking pictures, and made sure to surround Old Faithful whenever it was about to erupt.
This might seem extreme, but at least they eventually forced the group to make the two-and-a-half hour drive out of the park without being allowed to stop for a bathroom break.
Some have described these as “Gestapo tactics.” Come on, this is America! They were just kept captive inside a large building against their will, denied the ability to take photos, had their activities curtailed by armed guards, and weren’t allowed to go to the bathroom when they wanted.
But Gestapo tactics? That’s ridiculous.
The Gestapo would have let you go to the bathroom.
OUT: Our most precious resource.
Unlike in, say, Washington DC where, and this is a total coincidence, their bosses work, the National Park Service has closed a number of roads that run through park land, including the Foothills Parkway in Tennessee which is used by a local school district to bus children. Naturally they did this without warning and while school was in session. Why, you ask?
It’s for the children.
You see, the only other roads are impassable by busses and are otherwise considered dangerous “white knuckle” drives even by car. Now you know what they’re talking about when they say that having a large activist government is important to the safety of your children.
Because otherwise, they’re going to kill them.
Visiting Gettysburg National Military Park
OUT: Viewing Pickett’s charge.
IN: Charging the Pickets.
Due to the government shutdown and the strain that has put on the National Park Service, scores of rangers have been deployed to set up barricades to keep people out of the Gettysburg National Military Park. However, there is one thing you do not want to get in-between: A history buff, and a Civil War park. And so American citizens are knocking down barricades and entering the park, helping themselves to the park by avoiding the very same Park Rangers they used to seek out for that help.
If you are like most Planet Moron readers, you probably vaguely recall that the Battle of Gettysburg was fought mostly outside, and not in a virtual reality world created by an alien race in order to preserve a record of their civilization (which you are pretty sure now was an episode form Star Trek) and wonder if preventing people from wandering around in an open field is the best use of resources.
That is why you are not a professional White House reporter who knows better than to ask such impertinent questions.
Going Out For a Jog
OUT: A healthy endeavor.
We know that promoting physical fitness is an essential task of the federal government. That is why, while most federal web sites are down, such as the one for the USDA, the First Lady’s “Let’s Move” site is still going strong. Sure, the USDA shutdown limits access to resources vital to farmers and others, but we’ve got school salad bars to promote for God’s sake.
So, why then was a runner who had parked in a remote and un-barricaded parking lot in the Valley Forge National Historical Park greeted upon his return by two very un-furloughed Park Rangers who were waiting to give him a ticket?
You know, you ask a lot of questions. Have you been audited lately?
October 07, 2013
Our National Nightmare: Week 2
Driving south on the George Washington Parkway Friday night we noticed the Park Service had already replaced the barricades on the scenic overlook/vacant parking lot that someone (not us, we swear) had taken down.
As the government shutdown enters its second week, scenes such as that were repeated all over the country, as guards removed vets who were attempting to look at the Vietnam Memorial, which consists of a wall of granite set into a hill outside in the open mall that runs from the Lincoln Memorial to the Capitol Building that was otherwise open.
Likewise, barricades were placed around the Iwo Jima Memorial in Arlington, Virginia. These were pushed aside by the vets who had actually taken Iwo Jima in the first place despite, if we remember our history correctly, Japanese positions heavily fortified with orange cones and withering displays of yellow police tape.
Additionally, the feds also closed large parts of the ocean, tried to block people from seeing Mt. Rushmore, and physically pushed an alternative rock singer who was already peacefully leaving the Jefferson Memorial as asked with the explanation that “it’s quicker this way.”
He was just following orders. With relish.
And of course, the National Park Service continues to live up to its sacred and solemn duty to close down valid businesses operating legally on leased federal lands, throwing scores of people out of work.
They still want you to, “see America first,” they just want you to do it at a discreet distance.
As you can see, you cannot possibly expect the federal government to have the resources to benignly ignore these completely open areas during a shutdown. Only when the government is fully up and running and everyone is on the job do they have the time and personnel to do nothing. Really, they have no choice during these lean times to vigilantly barricade and enforce arbitrary restrictions on open areas.
Here at Planet Moron we believe it’s time we all do our part in helping the National Park Service, the Capitol Police, and everyone else charged with ensuring we are unnecessarily inconvenienced. To that end, we offer these suggestions:
When passing federal properties, be they monuments, buildings, scenic vistas, or obscure plaques be sure to avert your eyes. There’s just not any money available for you to look at these things.
When driving through federal lands that have not yet been barricaded try not to breathe. That’s government air, and they can’t guarantee it.
Consider not listening to the radio or watching TV. Those airwaves belong to the government, broadcasters are only permitted to use them under license.
You might also want to consider not using your cellphone. Sure, your carrier paid for use of those airwaves, but, they belong to the government, and the government is closed.
Suggest to the airlines that they might want to change their flight paths so as not to inadvertently fly over federal land. Why? Because closed.
Some readers might be annoyed to learn that a bill we had mentioned last week that would ensure furloughed federal employees would get paid for not working passed the House unanimously.
But, hey, at least elderly people are being thrown out of their own homes.
October 04, 2013
Our National Nightmare Day 4
In order to achieve fame and notoriety of any kind you have to do something truly extraordinary, something that clearly sets you apart from others and makes people say, “Wow, I can’t believe it.”
For example, successfully signing up for health care on one of the Obamacare exchanges run by the federal government.
Although the government shutdown has nothing to do with the exchanges (they are funded separately), it appeared that no one had been able to accomplish the task, no one, that is, until now.
Indeed, we must now consider adding to the pantheon of heroic pioneers of the unknown, Robert Peary, Edmund Hillary, and Neil Armstrong, the name:
Yes, Chad Henderson purchased insurance on Obamacare and celebrated it on Twitter. His feat was of such note, his courage of such splendor, his valor of such regard, that the White House felt compelled to bring it to the attention of the media, which of course went into a wild frenzy over our new hero.
So, who is Chad Henderson?
Just a young lad trying to get a fair shake on health insurance.
"I've read a few articles about how young people are very critical to the law's success. I really just wanted to do my part to help out with the entire process."
What a nice young man!
"I had to wait like everybody else.”
An everyday man of the people, even.
“After creating an account and getting logged in, it was pretty smooth sailing."
And what about his $175 monthly premium?
"It was a little more than I was expecting.”
Ah, you precocious little rascal, you.
And we probably should have checked first, but do you get paid to engage in progressive political advocacy? Because if you do, then Chad is still just like you and me.
Oh, and we should also probably mention that he didn’t actually purchase any insurance. He really just “enrolled in the marketplace,” just not enrolled enrolled if you know what we mean. But look, he totally got online and created an awesome account and looked at various options for like, who knows how long, and is SO going to buy that $175 monthly plan once he gets done with all his media engagements.
But partisan supporters of the President aren’t the only Obamacare success stories. There’s also Brendan Mahoney, the perfect example of the kind of person Obamacare was designed to help. The downtrodden, the forgotten, the little people struggling to get by, the third-year law students who were already paying for health insurance but can now get on Medicaid and have their health insurance paid by taxpayers instead.
Turning productive citizens taking responsibility for themselves into wards of the state dependent on others.
It’s a new dawn in America!
In other news, the National Park Service continues to struggle through the shutdown given the critical tasks it must still perform such as closing down areas they have no authority to and hassling citizens for no obvious reason.
We did note this morning that some revolutionaries had torn down the barriers on the second scenic overlook on the George Washington Parkway.
Godspeed 21st-century minutemen, Godspeed.
October 03, 2013
Our National Nightmare Day 3
As anyone who follows mainstream news knows, the government shutdown is due solely to the intransigence of extremely right wing extremist Republicans who are also extreme. Why can’t they just compromise?
And so to help break the logjam, President Obama invited congressional leaders to the White House yesterday evening to see if they could all come to an agreement that the President’s position was the only right one.
Damn those uncompromising extreme Republicans!
Also, you’re a hater.
In addition to refusing Republicans’ request to negotiate because they were unwilling to negotiate, the President also made sure to fulfill his office’s traditional role in ensuring that the peace is kept and people remain calm despite the uncertainty of our current shutdown crisis.
Elsewhere, when asked if he would support a House proposal to fund the NIH if it could “help one child who has cancer” Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid demonstrated the sharp political instincts he has honed over decades in office and responded,
“Why would we want to do that? I have 1,100 people at Nellis Air Force base that are sitting home.”
Say what you want, the man is a pro.
And finally, the Park Service continues to set up elaborate barricades to close off open areas that are usually left unattended 24/7, including, we noticed, the “scenic overlooks” (basically small parking lots) on the side of the George Washington Parkway near Planet Moron’s headquarters.
Why would it be in any way necessary to barricade open areas that are highly visible and popular to the public?
Because you want to make sure people see that the government is shut down.
Otherwise, they might not notice.
October 02, 2013
Our National Nightmare Day 2
A CNN headline this morning addresses the gridlock in Washington over the budget thusly:
Damn that Congress!
If you are like most Planet Moron readers, you’re probably thinking, “Didn’t Cheez Whiz used to come in a spray can?”
Also, “Wait a second, isn’t there another person involved here who is also getting paid despite the shutdown? Someone in an executive capacity if you will, who sits alone among the branches of government in that he or she is elected by all the people and so is expected to take charge and act in a manner that would bring disparate interests together in compromise?”
It sounds like you are describing the office of the presidency. In fact, the phrase used by CNN, “The buck stops here” was popularized by President Harry S. Truman who wanted to make it clear that regardless of circumstance or excuses, he alone bore ultimate responsibility for whatever happens on his watch saying,
“The President--whoever he is--has to decide. He can't pass the buck to anybody. No one else can do the deciding for him. That's his job.”
Why then, does the buck now stop with a legislative body naturally prone to divisiveness and parochial interests?
Sure, some might argue that because he is the President, ultimate accountability must rest on his shoulders. But you have to remember that President Obama takes a more post-modernist approach to the presidency believing that phrases such as "the buck stops here" are anachronistic in this day and age.
Also, it's somebody's elses fault.
Besides, it’s not like he’s sitting around doing nothing. Just the other day he said he was unwilling to compromise saying,
“I Shouldn't Have To Offer Anything.”
Damn that Congress!
In other news the government is so very shut down that only the very barest of necessities are being provided for. For example, the White House’s Office of Management and Budget (OMB) does not have any money to pay for its web site.
Damn that Congress!
October 01, 2013
And so Our National Nightmare Begins…
A foreboding gray sky greeted us here at Planet Moron headquarters early this morning, deep in the heart of the Washington DC metropolitan area. It was as if nature herself shared the anguish of the fate that was soon to befall us.
“Was this really happening?” we asked ourselves in a voice that was full of anguish and possibly a cinnamon Danish.
Were we really going to live through an entire day with only 80% of the federal government operating?
And yet, the unthinkable happened.
Clearly, there is serious business to be done. The nation’s finances are on an unsustainable course, we’re weeks away from breaching our debt ceiling, and the Affordable Care Act, already fiscally problematic, is off to a rocky start,
That is why our local representatives moved quickly in a fully bipartisan manner to introduce emergency legislation that would attend to the most critical policy goal at the moment.
Making sure federal workers get paid for not working.
Such is the goal of the “Federal Employee Retroactive Pay Fairness Act.”
As Congressman Frank Wolf noted of the furloughed employees:
“They should be properly compensated for the hard work they do.”
And, the hard work they don’t do.
Both would be great.
Besides, as Representative Wolf further notes:
“Let’s also not forget that several federal workers paid the ultimate price just last week in the Navy Yard tragedy.”
His logic is unassailable:
- A maniac murdered federal employees.
- The government is furloughing federal employees.
- Furloughed federal employees should get paid for not working.
Also, you’re a hater.
No one would argue that not working often leads to not getting paid. The issue here is that these are federal government workers, not just random private employees doing Lord-knows-what in flyover country somewhere.
There is a larger issue at stake here as well: The damage that might be done to the local Washington DC metro economy were workers not paid for not working.
Why on earth should those of us living in Washington DC have to experience the same recession and stagnation the rest of you have been living with for years? It's like we're commoners all of a sudden.
And so we here at Planet Moron fully endorse the notion of paying people for not working.
Where’s our check?