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October 11, 2005

dui – drinking while under the influence

Inspired by the breathtaking success of President Bush’s policy of preemptive action, the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission has begun a program of arresting people before they drive drunk.

How do they do this? By arresting people for public intoxication while they are still inside bars. Why bars? To paraphrase Willie Sutton, “because that’s where the drunks are.”

As Lt. Randy Motz said, “We will do what we can to get them before they get in their car intoxicated.“

The program is being supported by “Mothers Against Drunk Driving” (MADD). “We believe responsible adults should drink responsibly. Even after one drink you aren’t 100%,” said local MADD activist Heather Hodges, suggesting that the only way to drink responsibly is to… not.

Lt. Motz assures us that they “are not planning sneak attacks.” Therefore the 60 agents hired to go undercover into bars are not so much sneaking as they are being really discreet.  (No sense alarming all those people who are there just for the potato wedges.)  In fact, the entire program should be considered more of a form of community outreach. Let’s face it, if you’re in a bar, having a few drinks, laughing with friends, well, if that isn’t a cry for help then what is?

The authorities are also going after bar owners and their employees for serving intoxicated people. This could present a problem as, based on personal observation, about 83% of all people in a bar are intoxicated. (The other 17% are outside throwing up.) As part of the program, bar employees go through intensive training to help them better spot people who might have had a few too many. The top signs are slurred speech, difficulty walking, and asking that the TV be switched over to the hockey game.

While arresting Texans for being drunk is kind of like arresting the cast of Grey’s Anatomy for overacting, the program could still spur imitations. Why wait until people are actually smoking pot when you can arrest them right at the Kid Rock ticket window?

Sure, you'll have a few whiny civil libertarians object but to them we would quote Benjamin Franklin's famous words:  "Those who would give up essential safety to purchase a little temporary liberty deserve to be thrown in the drunk tank."

J.

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October 11, 2005 at 11:49 AM in Current Affairs | Permalink

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» What the Fuck???? from Caerdroia
OK, what country do we live in again? What is the deal about not arresting people for crimes they haven't yet committed, and may therefore not commit? Apparently, the State my state, Texas has decided that it's just fine and dandy to ar... [Read More]

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Comments

Also keep in mind ol' Ben's other famous words, "Many foxes grow gray but few grow good."

...Chew on it for a while.

Posted by: John | Oct 13, 2005 3:23:01 PM

And to think men are demonized as tyrants......MADD "mothers against democratic decisions". The Mommy state is here.....you get what you vote for.

Posted by: Ryan | Oct 24, 2005 8:17:00 AM

SHHHHHHH! Before some MADD lunatic in the people's republic of Maryland finds out!

Posted by: m whitacre | Oct 25, 2005 4:53:14 PM

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