sure, they’re trampling a principle, but there’s a symbol at stake here!

If you were to make a list of the most critical issues facing the nation, which would you choose as the top one?

1. The war in Iraq.
2. Illegal immigration.
3. Way too much freedom.

If you chose #3, you just might be fit to serve in the United States Congress.

Setting aside less important issues, the Senate this week takes up the critical task of amending the Constitution to allow Congress to ban desecration of the American flag.

Why is this such an important issue now? For one thing, there is a little-known epidemic of flag burning sweeping the nation. As home heating fuel costs have soared this past year, many residents have found American flags to be “cost competitive” with oil and natural gas. And as the summer BBQ season heats up, many are discovering the unique flavoring that can be imparted on your grilled sirloins if you just add some hickory chips and Old Glory to the briquettes. Mmm good, and a real timesaver if you happen to like steak, AND want to make a protest.

However, the primary concern is that the burning of the American flag causes some people offense making this the conservative version of political correctness. But unlike timid liberals who satisfy themselves with campus speech codes and corporate sensitivity seminars, conservatives don’t mess around, they go straight to the governing document of the country. No doubt, this is fully in the spirit of our Founding Fathers such as John Adams and his brother Bryan (famous for the pre-Revolutionary War ditty, “Summer of 1769”). In fact, James Madison had probably meant to put something in about flag burning, but you know how constitutional conventions are, it’s always rush rush rush.

Many supporters of the amendment cite particular concern that military veterans might be offended by flag desecration. Well, not all of them. And not these guys. Or this one. And this one. And this one.

Congress has tried to ban desecration of the flag before, but that pesky old first amendment got in the way.

Again.

That is why it is necessary to amend the Constitution so we can ensure that all this unbridled freedom of expression be brought under control before someone gets hurt. Emotionally.

After all, most Americans are offended by the desecration of the American Flag including those of us here at Planet Moron where the display of flags, lapel pins and car magnets put us just one drunk uncle and an overcooked hamburger away from every day being like the Fourth of July.

And that’s what the Constitution is all about, protecting the fragile rights of the majority from unpopular, even scary, minority ideas, and is embodied in those timeless opening words every schoolchild knows, “NOSOTROS, el Pueblo de los Estados Unidos, a fin de formar una Unión más perfecta…”

Okay, so the only copy we could find was in Spanish. But it’s probably in there. Somewhere.

J.

UPDATE: The amendment failed by one vote.
Downside: The Stars and Stripes remains imperiled by hordes of crazed flag-burning zealots.
Upside: Additional jobs expected as the butane lighter industry adds extra shifts to handle the demand.