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March 22, 2007
CONSENSUS WATCH – 3/22/2007
An
occasional series dedicated to vigorously monitoring emerging threats to The
Consensus that global warming is real, man-made, and must be addressed
immediately if we are to forestall cataclysm. After
all, without consensus, science is merely an ongoing journey of exploration and
discovery.
In
this edition, we recognize that despite the relative popularity of “An
Inconvenient Truth,” it is still a documentary and as such does not have wide
enough appeal to counter the kinds of criticisms Al Gore continues to come
under. That is why we present some
excerpts from the screenplay “The Gore,” the upcoming big-budget disaster movie
coming soon to a theater near you:
“THE GORE”
by
Planet Moron
FADE IN:
INT. UN IPCC OFFICES
– MORNING
UN SCIENTIST
(in
glasses and lab coat, enters room)
According our latest calculations, sea levels are going to rise.
AL GORE
(dressed in
field jacket looking grim and committed)
Give it to me straight. How bad is it?
A foot. Maybe more. By the end of the century.
AL GORE
Are you telling me that if we don’t take immediate action, the oceans could rise 20 feet?
What? No. Our calculations suggest a much more modest…
AL
GORE
(walking through door
hurriedly)
I’ve got to get to Washington. I just pray to God they’ll listen this time.
UN SCIENTIST
Um, okay.
CONNIE
(Gore’s
faithful mixed-breed beagle rescued from an animal shelter)
Arf!
INT. EMERGENCEY CONGRESSIONAL HEARINGS - MORNING
CONGRESSMAN JOE BARTON
(taking
check from ExxonMobil discreetly handed to him by an aide, turns towards the
former Vice President sitting before him)
You don’t know that man causes global warming. You don’t know that sea levels will rise. You just think you know, isn’t that right, Mr. Gore?
Congressman,
(tight shot, dramatic pause)
I don’t know how to think.
CONNIE
Arf!
And get that damn dog out of here!
EXT. SOMEWHERE IN THE
ARCTIC - AFTERNOON
I’ve got to get these pictures. I’ve got to show the world how the polar bears are suffering.
(faithful
sidekick)
You know it’s August, right? And these polar bears are fat and happy?
AL GORE
Those are just facts, Bob, but facts can’t keep you warm at night. Facts can’t see you through a long, cold winter.
BOB
What?
I don’t have time for your fancy Ivy League facts. I’ve got more important things to deal with. I’ve got emotional appeals to make. Look, if we're going to get the American people to take drastic, life-altering steps now, we can't let the fact-mongers get in our way.
(laughing)
I always knew you were a crazy son of a bitch, I just never knew how crazy!
INT. BILL SIGNING
CEREMONY – MORNING
Well, I have to admit, I was wrong about you. Your passion, well, it made us all see that there’s more to life than just making a critical assessment of the facts and weighing that carefully against the available evidence in a deliberative manner. Sometimes, you've just got to go with your heart. I’m proud to have sponsored this bill raising taxes and investing billions in alternative energy programs. Again.
I didn’t do it just for me. I did it for our children. And me.
(peeing on Joe
Barton’s pants leg)
Arf. Arf.
It looks like you’ve made TWO new friends today!
It sure does!
(laughing)
FADE OUT:
J.
March 22, 2007 at 01:08 PM in Global Warming with CONSENSUS WATCH | Permalink
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Comments
Not to go all serious, ok some serious:
I don't know who's right in the debate. I would like to see some legislation that mandated vehicle mpgs in the range of 30 mpg. Technology is there. Cost isn't much. Greenhouse gases aside, it takes some money from the oil producing states that are spending to placate their citizens (Saudi Arabia, Iran and Crazy Chavez) and to foster intenational influence.
Not funny, I know, but the post was.
Posted by: Dave | Mar 30, 2007 10:25:00 PM
Hmmm... Witty, satirical humor seems to correlate with libertarian views (look at the creators of "South Park", Trey Parker and Matt Stone). I wonder why ;)
Posted by: Paul | Mar 25, 2007 8:56:33 PM
For the record, I'm not a conservative. I'm a recovering libertarian with a drinking problem. Or a recovering drunk with a libertarian problem. I can never remember which.
Posted by: Planet Moron | Mar 25, 2007 1:54:30 PM
Ugh. Alright, conservatives; on behalf of all liberals I say this: YOU WIN, we lose. You Rock, we suck. You are right, we are wrong.
WE ADMIT IT: Climate change is a myth, everything is perfectly fine, Al Gore's a big stupid-head hypocrite, David Suzuki is a Communist hippy, the polar bears (and all life-forms on Earth in general) are totally safe, the Kyoto Protocols are economy-wrecking money pits, and 'An Inconvenient Truth' is brainwashing children to believe that cleaning up humanity's mess is not a waste of time, cash and/or effort.
There, we admit it. ARE YOU FRIKKIN' HAPPY NOW???!!! Jeeeesh!!
Posted by: Dan | Mar 25, 2007 7:44:33 AM
Posted by: Jay
"When the canary died, the miners left the mine. Polar bears are our global "canary in a coalmine.""
So, Jay, does this mean you all will be leavin us soon?
Sorry to have missed you.........
Posted by: Hugh Askew | Mar 24, 2007 7:15:35 AM
The last time someone tried to label me it was as a "woman liberal" so I guess I'm doing something right. ;)
Regardless, I'm afraid that in order to preserve The Consensus I'm going to have to accuse you both of being in the pockets of the big oil companies.
Sorry, it's just the law.
Posted by: Planet Moron | Mar 23, 2007 9:12:53 PM
My father, who is a physical chemist, and a Visiting Scientist at the University of Michigan's geology department, was told a few months ago by a U of M geologist that the reason President Bush rejected the Kyoto Treaty was that, given the quantity of agriculture in the US, and the abundance of trees, the US actually absorbed more CO2 than it expelled into the atmosphere. [Upswell sounds of crickets coming from the liberal gallery.]
I guess one might call this another "inconvenient truth." This won't ever show up on the front page of the NYT, so I'll post it here on this "conservative gossip" site. Thanks for the opportunity.
Posted by: Bruce | Mar 23, 2007 7:54:00 PM
I learned this @ the WORLD FAMOUS SAN DIEGO ZOO! (I go about once a month.)
Polar bears are found along Arctic coastlines and ice flows, and are sometimes seen as far as 600 miles from land.
They are...wait for it.....The polar bear is a semi-aquatic marine mammal. not a land animal.
Just thought I'd add that. So, when's the movie coming out... I'd actually pay to see that one. Good old Connie.
Posted by: Jenn | Mar 23, 2007 5:12:42 PM
I could see your links and raise you ten, but that would suggest disagreement.
And there can't be disagreement because we have The Consensus.
Therefore disagreement doesn't exist.
Which proves that The Consensus is correct.
Wow, the argument really is over! Now I can finally cut back on all that annoying thinking.
Posted by: Planet Moron | Mar 22, 2007 5:54:04 PM
I think it best we base our environmental and energy policy on the opinions of reporters' junk science in conservative gossip magazines rather than...
Harvard scientists
http://www.researchmatters.harvard.edu/story.php?article_id=34
The president of the National Wildlife Federation
http://www.cnn.com/2006/US/03/26/coverstory/index.html
National Geographic
http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2004/12/photogalleries/global_warming/photo7.html
Or the combined 4-year research effort of 300 scientists
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A35233-2004Nov8.html
And that's just polar bears. Wanna talk about the warmest years on record? Wanna talk about the dying Great Barrier Reef? How about temperature numbers that are worse than originally anticipated? Glaciers gone? Faster temperature changes than as far back as we can measure (100,000 years)? Shorter winters reported by indiginous communities? Global plant species flowering off schedule? Bird reproduction changes? Drastic changes in butterfly migration?
The debate is over, sorry kids. Science trumps ideology. I expect you will erase this entry soon. That won't shut me up.
Posted by: Jay | Mar 22, 2007 5:05:13 PM
Speaking of looming threats to The Consensus, damn fool polar bears are messing up a perfectly good story!
Posted by: Planet Moron | Mar 22, 2007 3:07:17 PM
Polar bears evolved over hundreds of centuries to survive on floating blocks of ice. That polar bears are dying en masse is further evidence (in a mountain of evidence) that these blocks of ice are more scarce. The lesson of the polar bears is not just that a species of animal can no longer survive, it's that the ice is melting at an alarming rate.
Miners brought a canary into the mine with them for their safety. Cararies are more sensitive to poison gas than humans. When the canary died, the miners left the mine. Polar bears are our global "canary in a coalmine."
Posted by: Jay | Mar 22, 2007 2:45:22 PM
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