keith olbermann “do-it-yourself” editorial kit

Are you tired of engaging in thoughtful debate? Has the fun gone out of civil discourse? Do you find discussing how best to achieve the proper balance between competing interests within a pluralistic society as framed against our nation’s traditions of liberty and independence to be just too gosh darn hard sometimes?

Well, relief is on the way. With our handy kit, you’ll be able to create ranting wild-eyed screeds unshackled from societal constraints of reason and decorum (all the while criticizing others for an absence of reason and decorum) just like in a Keith Olbermann editorial!

To get started, you will need to gather the following three items most of which you probably already have lying around your home: 

1. A computer.
2. A Word-A-Day calendar.
3. A permanent sense of moral outrage. 

Now, let’s get started:

“(Republican candidate X) has suggested that we, the American people, would be better off with a Republican president. Better off?  What he's really saying is that if you elect a Democrat you will die. No, not just die, but be actively sought out and murdered by the Democratic president himself who will sneak up on you in your own kitchen and garrot you while you stand there rinsing the arugula. How can a man with any decency say such a thing?”

(Don’t worry, it doesn’t have to make any sense, only be appropriately indignant. Remember, the more deeply you feel something, the more valid your argument is. Just let the rage fly out your fingertips as they dance across the keyboard.)

“This is more than just mythomania (April 24 Word of the Day), but rather a rebarbative (April 2) fulcrum (April 23) with which to absolve (April 19) himself of responsibility.” 

(See how much fun this is!)

“How ... dare ... you, sir?”

(Don’t forget the “…” )

“This is not the mere politicizing of Iraq, nor the vague mumbled epithets about Democratic ‘softness’ from a delusional vice president.”

(It is absolutely essential that you always note at some point that Dick Cheney is a liar/cheat/scoundrel/spawn of the devil/voted for Sanjaya or your core audience won’t take you seriously.)

“This is the language of Osama bin Laden.”

(Hitler would also have been acceptable.)

“We are sick to death of you and the other terror-mongers trying to frighten us into submission. The 9/11 fever has broken.”

(It is absolutely essential that you dismiss any real threat of terror. This serves two purposes:

1. It shores up your base with those who secretly believe 9/11 was orchestrated by the CIA/NSA/Trilateral Commission/Masons/Fox News/the touring company of A Chorus Line. 
2. It makes sure anyone who tries to raise reasonable objections to some of the measures taken after 9/11 gets lumped in with the same crowd thereby eliminating the possibility of a change in policy and  thus preserving it as an important source of moral outrage.)

“Franklin Roosevelt’s words ring true again tonight. ‘We have nothing to fear but fear itself.’”

(It is very helpful to throw in an historical quote to demonstrate your high level of breeding and education. And best of all, it doesn’t even have to be correct. The rubes will never know. How cool is that?)

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Was that great or what? Yes, you could go back to discussing issues based solely on their merit devoid of personal rancor but we have a word for that: Bo-ring! No, it is much more entertaining to work yourself up into an insane lather. Even better if you can get paid for it. 

And don’t worry, while the Keith Olbermann approach is clearly best suited for those with liberal leanings, there’s something for you conservatives who want to get in on the fun:

Ann Coulter.

J.