hey, over here. hey! okay, that’s it, where’s my flare gun…

John McCain spent much of last week complaining about the huge amounts of press coverage Barack Obama was receiving in contrast to his own paltry exposure.

At Planet Moron, we believe the more coverage a presidential candidate receives, the more material we have, so we offer the Senator the following suggestions for increasing media interest in his campaign:

Pour gasoline on yourself and threaten to light a match unless Katie Couric shows up with a film crew. And Natalie Portman. (Well, as long as you've already poured gasoline all over yourself...)

Get photographed stepping out of a limousine not wearing any underpants. 

One-up Obama and personally adopt the rest of the children in Bangladesh.

Get caught on tape speaking to a group of conservative donors in which you try to explain the behavior of journalists, “You go into the news rooms of the New York Times, and like a lot of big city newspapers the jobs are gone and nothing’s replaced them.  So it’s not surprising then that they get bitter, they cling to decaf iced lattes, Pilates classes or antipathy to people who have never done a semester in Europe, or anti-capitalist sentiment or anti-gun sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations.”

Come out once again and forcefully declare your full support for the idea that border security must come before any deal can be worked out regarding current illegal immigrants.  But just to shake things up a bit, appear to be sincere this time.

And finally, announce that you are writing a tell-all book about the salacious goings on behind the scenes when you were a child actor on a popular comedy show in the ‘80s. 

Okay, the 1880’s.

J.