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August 20, 2008

who isn't being considered might be a shorter list

With vice presidential speculation reaching a fever pitch it’s becoming more and more apparent that the names being offered up by the media are based on little more than rumor, hearsay and wild conjecture.

In other words, they have adopted Planet Moron’s code of journalistic ethics.

And so we offer Planet Moron’s own guide to potential VP choices:

Barack Obama

Indiana Senator Evan Bayh
Pro: White guy.
Con: Watching Evan Bayh speak is like watching paint dry… that was already dry in the first place.

Delaware Senator Joe Biden
Pro: White guy.
Con: He’s Joe Biden.

“Videographer” Rielle Hunter
Pro: Might appeal to disgruntled Hillary voters since she, like single mothers everywhere, is struggling just to get by on $15,000 a month from the wealthy friends of the guy who is not her child's father, and is forced to move from place to place to try and keep a roof over her head.  In St. Croix.
Con: Unclear what kind of “energy” she has.

Barack Obama
Pro: Easily Barack Obama’s favorite person in the world.  In fact, he likes him so much he wrote two books about him.
Con: Possible unresolveable policy disagreements as Barack Obama rarely agrees with anything Barack Obama says. At least not for long.

Samsonite Nested 5-Piece Luggage Set
Pro: Well traveled, will buttress Obama’s foreign experience.
Con: Like Hillary, just too much baggage.

John McCain

Former Hewlett Packard CEO Carly Fiorina
Pro: A chick.  Chicks dig that, right?
Con: Would have to spend most of first term showing McCain how to use a computer.

Current Vice President Dick Cheney
Pro: Wouldn’t have to print up new business cards or stationary. Money saved could go towards reducing deficit.
Con: Not clear whether his pact with the Dark Lord would allow him to remain in the earthly realm but rather might be compelled to honor his bargain and serve eternity in the underworld.  Or on the board of Halliburton.  Either, or.

Former South Carolina Senator Strom Thurmond
Pro: Would make McCain appear younger by comparison.
Con: Dead.

Singer/Guitarist Jim Adkins of Jimmy Eat World
Pro: Arizona native would bring a youthful face to campaign.
Con: As John McCain himself could tell you, the band has downplayed some of it’s original emo and emocore influences which alienated some early fans however while its embrace of more melodic pop-oriented arrangements has ensured a measure of mainstream success the precarious state of the music industry and the erosion of old business models brought on by rapidly changing technology remain a serious challenge. Also, it's "loud."

Hamilton Beach Commercial Grade Orange Juicer
Pro: Would be more acceptable to conservative wing of party than Joe Lieberman.
Con: Aside from being inanimate (although that did not appear to hurt Al Gore) there would be the imminent risk of further wrist injury to Cindy McCain.

Just remember, you heard it here first.


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August 20, 2008 at 06:02 PM in Current Affairs | Permalink


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