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November 26, 2008

CONSENSUS WATCH – 11/26/2008

An ongoing series dedicated to vigorously monitoring emerging threats to The Consensus that global warming is real, caused by humans, and must be addressed immediately. Because without consensus, scientific conclusions would remain vulnerable to new data.

There were reports this week of plans being made to try to convince Congress that there is possibly some dissent regarding The Consensus.

Well, sure, if you want to call 31,072 scientists “dissent.”  Heck, 22,051 of them don’t even have PhDs!

Talk about stretching the definition of a word.

As Kalee Kreider, spokewoman for Al Gore put it, “Climate deniers fall into the same camp as people who still don’t believe we landed on the moon. We don’t think this should distract us from the reality.”

It is exactly this kind of compelling refutation that makes us believers in The Consensus.  But it seems some people refuse to accept reality and instead prefer to be led in whatever direction the latest research data takes them, like lemmings.

But, that’s not what’s important.

What is important is that we do everything we can to lower our carbon footprint.

And what better time than the holidays, when people are trying to forget their cares and worries and spend time with their families?

Any quick Internet search will provide you with a number of tips available on how you can reduce the daily brutalities your selfish existence commits upon nature but Earth First!’s top-ten list is one of the more comprehensive.

We summarize below:

  1. Make mom cry – Stay at home this Thanksgiving and hang out with your loser friends instead (just like you want to anyway).
  2. Keep it simple - Serve your guests crap!
  3. Mainly serve them crap you can find close to home – No sense having to go through any trouble. They’re just your stupid friends anyway.
  4. Vegetarian crap is best – Hey, look, celery is on sale!
  5. Serve organic beverages - You know #3 above?  Don’t worry about that for this one.
  6. Use the crap you already have lying around - No reason to make this occasion special in any way.
  7. Buy used crap - If you must get some additional stuff for your guests, show them you really care, and rummage through a Salvation Army bin. Not only will you save money, you'll help put some carbon-spewing salesperson at the mall out of work!
  8. Decorate with natural materials - You can make a charming centerpiece using lint, empty carrot juice cartons and strands of human hair.
  9. Have your guests stumble around in the dark - Illuminate your home with beeswax and soy candles. It will be like a treasure hunt, for your chair!
  10. Ferment your leftovers. Indoors! – Your guests will love it, especially as they grope through the darkness, choking on beeswax vapors, and desperately looking for a bathroom having just ingested a large bowl of flax seed and cabbage soup.

And for those who insist on obsessing over their carbon footprint, the Bon Appetit Foundation has an interactive global greenhouse emissions calculator called “Is My Lunch Causing Global Warming?” that allows you to add up your gustatory assault on the planet.  It also provides tips on how to reduce your impact.  For instance, let’s say you feel like a big old cheeseburger.  Want to dramatically lower its impact on the environment?

Don’t have a cheeseburger.

The calculator provides hours of entertainment as you determine which things rape the environment and which things merely touch it inappropriately. And for extra fun, just keep piling the plates of digital food into the cyber-skillet until the included guilt-o-meter bursts through the top!

Have a happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Just not too happy, if you know what we mean.


Inappropriate Get the latest in Consensus Watch gear, now with our new "Stop raping the planet! You may, however, touch it inappropriately." coffee cup, beer stein, bags, coasters, stickers, buttons, and other similar crap.  T-shirts are still coming.  (Once we put the bottle of Jack Daniels down long enough to work on creating larger graphics. And yes, it could be a while.)

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November 26, 2008 at 11:36 AM in Global Warming with CONSENSUS WATCH | Permalink


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We elected Sequestration this Thanksgiving to minimize our carbon footprint. We are all STILL sealed in the dining room. ALL CO2 emissionions from our feast (as well as some other more odiferous green house gases noIsily emitted by some)are captured. Unfortuneately we hadn't thought this out totally. it is now 4 days later AND we are getting desparate. We have stuffed wet towels around all possible sources of leaks OUT of the room. We can't use our cell phones for fear of a spark setting off the methane. If we don't find a quick source of carbon offsets we will soon die of oxygen deprivation. (Not to worry about starvation as we have the leftovers). The dining room will then start to accumulate even more green house gases as our bodies decompose and may eventually be declared a superfund site. HELP!!!!

Posted by: Jerry Delaney | Dec 1, 2008 6:42:05 AM

Who is that list even for? Their target demographic is clearly the group that knows Thanksgiving is a day to mourn Pilgrim Imperialism, not to celebrate.

Posted by: Amarsir | Nov 30, 2008 9:03:04 PM

>>“Climate deniers fall into the same camp as people who still don’t believe we landed on the moon. We don’t think this should distract us from the reality.”<<

Did she really say that?

I used to think comedy was hard, but with that kind of set-up line this crap really writes itself.

Posted by: Michael | Nov 26, 2008 3:40:56 PM

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