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March 19, 2009

How About, “Bills for Blunders,” Instead?

A “Cash for Clunkers” bill introduced yesterday by Representative Betty Sutton of Ohio, calls for the federal government to offer cash incentives to Americans to trade in their old cars.

Officially known as the “CARS Act” (Consumer Assistance to Recycle and Save), the bill would provide motorists trading in any vehicle over 8 years old with a voucher that would be good towards the purchase of a new car:  $5000 for vehicles assembled in North America, and $4000 for those assembled elsewhere.

The old cars would then be scrapped.

If you are like us, you probably didn’t know that the most efficient way to achieve national prosperity was to have the government spend money it doesn’t have to pay us to get rid of stuff we already own so that we can go into debt to buy stuff we don’t need.

But then, that’s why we’re not members of the House of Representatives.  That and the morals charge in ’91.  And the chronic drinking. And the refusal to leave the basement for more than 40 consecutive minutes at a time.

But maybe that’s just us.

There is an environmental angle as well, as consumers purchasing hybrids or plug-ins would be eligible for up to $7500, and those not wanting to buy a car at all would receive $3000 in mass transit vouchers. 

Given the clear and obvious benefits to the country, the economy, and the environment in destroying what we have to buy things we can’t afford, there is no reason why we should not pursue even greater national prosperity and apply these fundamental principles to projects that go beyond just automobiles, such as:

The HOME Act

Help Owing Money Eternally Act. Under this “Money for Mortgages” program, homeowners would be encouraged to turn over the deed to any house that is 15 years or older. The old house would then be demolished using infrastructure money from the stimulus bill.  In return, the former homeowner would receive a $250,000 voucher good towards the purchase of a brand new home (or $275,000 if it includes solar panels).  The cost of the plan is estimated to be “a lot” but the new jobs that would be created or saved by demolishing much of the nation’s housing stock and rebuilding it would surely number in the tens of millions.  And that would just be the illegal immigrants.


Whacking Any Timepiece or Clock with a Hammer Act.  A fairly straightforward program, “Dinero for Destruction” would provide that any American citizen who smashes his or her watch, clock, or similar timepiece with a hammer would receive a coupon good for up to $50 towards the purchase of a replacement. Those not wanting to purchase anything would receive vouchers good towards 4-1-1 calls to Information.


Set On Fire All Furniture UnderNeath Debt Act. “Benjies for Burning” would provide program participants who burned all their no-money-down 100% financed furniture with new replacements personally chosen by the producers of HGTV’s latest program: “Design On The Fed’s Dime.”

DIG! Act

Digging Is Green! Act.  Under “Dough for Ditches,” for every hole you dig in your front lawn, the federal government will provide you with a $20 voucher good towards paying someone to fill it in.

Wait, that last one sounds familiar.

Regardless, we applaud Representative Betty Sutton of Ohio for “thinking outside of the box” and introducing this innovative plan.

Because if you’re going to make a proposal that is simultaneously expensive, poorly conceived, and economically unsound you have to make sure it at least violates several trade agreements.

Like we’re worried about that all of a sudden!

Now you’ll have to excuse us, we’re going to see if we can’t help get this economy jump started and go smash a few windows

Uncle Sam Throw Out


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March 19, 2009 at 05:33 PM in Current Affairs | Permalink


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