You Just Introduced The Dumbest Legislation Of The Year! What Are You Going To Do?

Representative Alan Grayson was at Disney World when it suddenly hit him:

There should be a federal law mandating that everyone gets two weeks of paid vacation a year!

As he noted, “There’s a reason why Disney World is the happiest place on Earth: The people who go there are on vacation.”

It could have been worse.  He could have been at a gentleman's club:

“There’s a reason why The Crystal Cabaret is the happiest place in the Rosemont area. The people who go there are drunk and looking at naked women!”

Or perhaps worse, given the venue, he could have just as easily been hit with the idea of federally mandated fireworks shows narrated by the voice of Jiminy Cricket and the Blue Fairy.

Now there are some jobs that won’t be going to China!

But Congressman Alan Grayson is renowned for his sobriety and seriousness, often pontificating on the greater Constitutional questions surrounding whether or not Rush Limbaugh is a “has-been hypocrite loser” or “was more lucid when he was a drug addict.” 

You know how we know that’s really smart?  He went to Harvard. It has to be smart!

This is Alan Grayson.  We got this photograph from his official congressional web site strongly suggesting he or his staff people chose it on purpose.

Presumably it was considered the most appropriate of all the other photographs they could have used in that it made him look the least like someone who was auditioning for the sequel to Sling Blade in which the Karl Childers character is once again released from the mental institution where he was being incarcerated and lands a job as an Assistant Secretary of the Treasury under Timothy Geithner.

I like them Frenchified vacation laws, mmmm. Reckon they’ll stimulate the economy, mmmm.

According to Grayson, paid vacations are “a matter of right,” and “there are certain basic elements that people need to have enjoyable lives… they need time off.”

If that’s in the Constitution, it’s in the penumbra.  Of the penumbra.

Among his “Paid Vacation Fast Facts” is the fact that  “Every European worker gets at least four weeks of paid vacation by law, yet the Euro is rising while the dollar is falling.”

Here are  some other equally relevant and applicable “Fast Facts:” 

French leisure time has been on the rise over the past quarter century, yet America accounts for 20% of the world's sorghum crop!

Italians like their coffee strong, yet Americans are only just starting to consider diesel a viable option for fueling passenger vehicles.

Germany has a shorter work week, yet Bravo’s Project Runway is mired in a contract dispute.

Say, this is easy when you don’t have to make sense.

It is unclear why Grayson would stop with his “Paid Vacation Act 2009” legislation when there are so many other ways he could easily improve the work experience through simple nationwide mandates:

Coffee Stirrer Replenishment Act
Require that all businesses with 50 or more employees have in excess of 100 coffee stirrers at a distance no greater than 25 centimeters from the coffee maker, unless you use the fresh creamer in which case the stirrers can be next to the fridge.

Fuzzy Slipper Act
A pair of nice fuzzy slippers will be provided to all “General Office Workers” as defined, for use while on premises.  Studies show that 73% of office workers who wear fuzzy slippers, have feet that feel “fuzzy.”

Occasional Pat On The Back Act
Research shows that employees who are given occasional pats on the back report 8.3% higher job satisfaction and spend 1.3% less on health care.  The “Occasional Pat On The Back Act” will require employers to proved each employee with at least two pats on the back per quarter, the force of which is not to exceed one-third Newton and the duration of which shall be no longer than one-quarter second.  (See Federal sexual harassment guidelines for more.) Each pat on the back must be accompanied by an “attaboy,” “good job.” “well done,” or “keep it up!” 

Given his enthusiasm for his paid vacation act, it appears Alan Grayson thinks that vacations are free, as if businesses pay people not to work rather than paying them a set amount of money for a set amount of work with the up-front understanding that they won’t be working whatever their allotted days off add up to.  It’s not clear where he thinks the extra money will come from or why, like all mandatory non-market costs, it won’t result in either higher levels of unemployment or the reduction of other, non-federally mandated employee benefits that are presumably of at least equal value to the employee or they would not exist in a competitive marketplace.

Or maybe Congressman Grayson should just stay away from the faerie dust next time, IYKWIMAITYD.

J.