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July 23, 2009

The Planet Moron Post-Press-Conference FAQ

Having not turned in one of his best performances last night, you probably still have a lot of questions about President Obama’s health care reforms.  That is why we present:

The Planet Moron Post-Press-Conference Frequently Asked Questions

Q: Are we really in a health care crisis?
A: Absolutely.  Just look at the figures: 84% of Americans are satisfied with their health care.
Q: That doesn’t sound like a crisis.
A: Let us finish: Only 43% approve of the way President Obama is handling health care. Every day we delay passing health care reform, another 14,000 people lose confidence in the President's ability to deal with health care.  The time to act is now. We cannot delay. As the President said, "This has to get done."
Q: We hear it’s been delayed until the fall.
A: That’s okay too.  Whatevs. It’s not like he really wanted it to get done in August, he was just making like he did to make you jealous.
That makes no sense.
A: Look, you want to play those tired old political games, fine.  As the President pointed out during the Q&A, he is not going to sit round blaming Republicans for holding things up when there is important work to do.
Q: But the President blamed two Republicans for holding things up right in his opening statement.
A: You want to live your whole life in the past, that’s your problem.

Q: So who’s going to pay for all this?
A: Millionaires.
Q: Just millionaires?
A: Mostly millionaires.
Q: That’s not the same as just millionaires.
A: Mostly it is.

Q: Will I be able to keep my current plan if I like it?
A: We're glad you brought that up. We hear this concern a lot, so let us be perfectly clear: No.

Q: How much will this thing cost?
A: $1 trillion over ten years
Q: That’s a lot of money.
A: Or maybe $4.5 trillion
Q: What?!
A: Either, or. The President isn’t really a details guy. He’s more big picture.

Q: You know, the more I hear about the President’s health care reform, the less I like it.
A: Say, how about those Cambridge police?
Q: What about them?
A: Are they stupid or what?
Q: Wait, we were talking about…
A: Stupid!  If we had the choice of talking to a bag of rocks, or the Cambridge police, let's just say it’s a tossup.
Q: Okay, okay, I get it…
A: You know why the Cambridge Police never went to Harvard?
Q: Why?
A: They can’t figure out how to spell “SAT.”
Q: We’re done here…
A: How many Cambridge police officers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Q: Good night…
A: One. But he’s a racist…


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July 23, 2009 at 10:45 PM in Current Affairs | Permalink


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