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March 20, 2011

The Cap’n is Dead! Long Live The Cap’n!

A rumor circulated last week that Quaker Oats was going to deep six Cap’n Crunch, a victim of political correctness and the food police, much to the dismay of its many fans including dentists, insulin manufacturers, and the Florida Sugar Cane League.

However, Quaker Oats moved quickly to dispel any notion that the Cap’n was being sent to Davy Jones locker:

A Special Message From The Cap'n

Still, the rumor was not completely without foundation as it appears that the company intends to treat Cap’n Crunch kind of like your “Uncle Billy.”  Sure, he’s still around, but no one talks about him much anymore, not since that unfortunate incident with your mother-in-law and the cranberry sauce back in Thanksgiving ’94.

Apparently, panicked parents, afraid of what might happen should their children come down off their sugar highs and realize they haven’t had a warm meal since September, cleaned the shelves out of original formula Cap’n Crunch at Planet Moron’s local Giant supermarket.

Capn Crunch Sold Out

This did not have to be a problem as we found a substitute.  We give you, organic Cap’n Crunch:

Kashi Honey Sunshine

Yes, organic cereal makers have long since expanded their offerings beyond the sticks and twigs so popular with their traditional customer base and have started to create what amount to healthy imitations of mainstream cereals.

So, what is it like?

Kashi Honey Sunshine Bowl It tastes like what Cap’n Crunch would taste like were it designed by Michelle Obama.  This is basically a high-fiber version of Cap’n Crunch, which we concede is kind of like saying a song is an “intellectual version of Ke$ha,” but that’s what it is.

How does Honey Sunshine stack up to Cap’n Crunch?


Costs twice as much.

Lacks that festive orange color so difficult to find outside of a Sherwin-Williams color wheel.

When asking for a box of “Honey Sunshine” it’s harder to limit the personal humiliation by claiming it’s for your kids.


Nutritional profile more closely resembles a food-like substance.

Tears up the roof of your mouth only half as much.

Does not make your teeth ache upon contact.

The choice is yours.

Well, for now.


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March 20, 2011 at 08:32 PM in Current Affairs, Health & Fitness | Permalink


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I used to love the smell of downtown Cedar Rapids, Ia on Thursday. That was the day they made Cap'n Crunch.

Posted by: barryjo | Mar 23, 2011 6:27:22 PM

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