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May 12, 2011

It’s Really More Like “Big Father”

As part of the process of scrapping the old terror alert system, the federal government is planning on sending citizens text messages to their cell phones regarding current threats to the nation’s security.

So, instead of a color system, ranging from green, to blue, to yellow, to orange, to red, you will receive any one of five text messages:

GR8

OK

OMG!

OMFG!!!

WTF?!?!

We believe the nation is currently at OMG!, even though many thought the bin Laden killing would result in it being raised to OMFG!!!

What if you don’t want to receive these alerts?  Of course you have the option, as per the personal liberty long guaranteed you by the principles we all hold dear, to opt out.

Not opt out of the alerts, opt out of owning a cell phone.

As it turns out, cell phone companies will be required by next year to include chips and special software in all the phones they sell so as to enable these alerts, which can be localized to your actual position.  While you may opt out of some alerts, you will not be allowed to opt out of “presidential messages.”

What are “presidential messages” you ask?  They could be anything from an impending terrorist attack to an oncoming natural disaster to other important messages critical to the well-being of our nation:

Obama 2012 Text Alert

For those of you who think it’s kind of creepy that the government can mandate chips be placed in your phone that can allow the President to force mass text messages on the populace and you have no way to opt out, just calm yourself down for a moment and consider this:

There’s a decent chance that if you own a high-end smart phone, it already has the chip conveniently inserted for you!

And they say government employees aren’t attentive to citizens' needs. They’re attentive to needs you didn’t even know you had.

Fortunately, there’s one Senator who quickly got on the case:

Franken Smartphone Privacy

As Senator Franken put it:

"People have a fundamental right to know what data is being collected about them, and they have a fundamental right to decide whether they want to share that information and with whom they want to share it."

Oh, sorry, he’s talking about how the cell phone companies might violate your privacy, not about how the federal government inserted communications chips into your phones without your knowledge or expressed consent.

After all, your personal data in the wrong corporate hands could very easily result in your getting sent a Starbuck coupon on your birthday.  A coupon YOU NEVER ASKED FOR!

Clearly, this must be stopped.

But the government, they’re just here to help you!

Dietary Text Alert

J.

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May 12, 2011 at 09:29 AM in Current Affairs | Permalink

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Comments

Yeah. And drinking beer and eating Cheetos.
Sloth is still one of the seven sins, isn't it?
For shame.

Posted by: barryjo | May 14, 2011 11:12:29 PM

It's not the tool that's the problem, it's how it's used. Remote controls are great until one falls into the wrong hands, and the next thing you know you're watching an all-day Sex in the City marathon.

Posted by: Planet Moron | May 14, 2011 1:46:44 PM

Some of us "old-timers" also remember that when you wanted to talk to someone, you had to locate a pay-phone and/or a phone-booth.
Try that now-a-days!
They don't call these new phones "electronic leashes" for nothing.

Posted by: barryjo | May 14, 2011 9:57:24 AM

We old timers remember back when a man could pop open the keyboard of his cell phone and work on the thing. These kids today with their fancy smart phones, they can't even swap out a sim card without going to the shop.

Posted by: Planet Moron | May 13, 2011 4:43:48 PM

Nokia 6030, prepaid t-mobile service. I dropped it once, battery went one way, keyboard popped out another way, lots of other pieces went where they should not. I gathered them up on the kitchen table, put it back together, still works great. I've had it for 6+ years. My old analog bagphone and carphone were excellent. 3 watts of power goes a long way. On cold days I could use the antenna to warm my hands!

Posted by: TheOldMan | May 13, 2011 4:03:13 PM

I actually have two cell phones on two different networks. (My excuse is that they are for work. The reality is I like gadgets.)

I have an old-style flip phone on Verizon that does all the things you want a cell phone to do, which is, as indicated by TheOldMan and barryjo, mainly be a reliable phone.

Then I have an iPhone on AT&T. It, along with the other smart phones, is an astounding technological accomplishment

It's a phone, a computer, a web portal, a camera, a video camera and a GPS you can put in your pocket. But that's just the beginning. I was once hanging pictures and needed a level. So I downloaded one. It is a platform that is limited only by the imagination of humankind.

So, I'm guessing that's why it must be destroyed. You can't let mere citizens have that much control over their lives. That's what the government is for!

Posted by: Planet Moron | May 13, 2011 8:35:35 AM

Please send source for this wonderous machine. All I ask for is a cellphone that receives calls and sends my voice to the other receiver. Reliably. My old analog bagphone was great. The latest and greatest example of modern technology is NOT!!

Posted by: barryjo | May 12, 2011 6:49:07 PM

My cellphone does not have a camera, it does not twitter or tweet or poke or whatever, it does not give me the current weather conditions in Panama, it does not give me directions (unless my wife is calling), it does not have a GPS receiver, it simply makes and receives telephone calls and text messages. There is something good to be said about being wwaaaaaayyyyyyy behind the cutting edge of technology.

Posted by: TheOldMan | May 12, 2011 12:50:53 PM

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