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August 23, 2011

The Day The Earth Didn’t Stand Still

As many of you have no doubt heard by now, an earthquake struck southern Virginia, sending shockwaves throughout the Washington, DC area, resulting in building evacuations, traffic jams, and what is believed will be widespread outbreaks of metaphors including, “the real earthquake hit DC last November,” “if you think things look shaky now, wait until you see the new deficit numbers,” and “Obama will need more than an earthquake to move the GOP-lead Congress.”

Regular readers know that Planet Moron is based in the DC metro area and so we thought we would provide you with our harrowing first-person account of the disaster:

1:53 PM: It shook a lot.
1:54 PM: It stopped.

We’ll be honest. We’ve never felt more alive than we do right now. It’s as if death himself came to pay a visit, but realized he had forgotten his wallet and so turned around and went home.

Okay, so that wasn’t as spine tingling as we could have hoped.

Fearing for their safety, many people fled the building we were in to take refuge exactly fifty feet outside of the building. Which is about twenty stories tall. And sheathed in glass. 

We’re kind of new at this around here.

So far the death toll from the quake stands at a reported zero, with widespread lack of damage, but it can be crazy after a disaster, so those totals may be exaggerated.

In the meantime, Fox News is reporting that a police officer told a producer that the Washington Monument might be tilting, marking the official beginning of the Katrina phase of the natural disaster. We can all begin to look forward to thinly sourced headlines such as these:

“Cannibalism at the Federal Reserve”

“DC Considering Dynamiting Metro Tunnels in Desperate Effort to Hold Back Mole People Freed From Their Subterranean Prison”

“Donald Trump Reconsidering Presidential Run”

And for those of you lamenting the fact that the earth didn’t open up and swallow Congress, you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know better than that.

Congress is out of town.


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August 23, 2011 at 04:49 PM in Current Affairs | Permalink


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Just to be clear, Obama inherited the tectonic plates.

Posted by: Planet Moron | Aug 24, 2011 8:13:03 PM

First an earthquake in the upper Midwest (South Dakota) and now one on the east coast. Gaia must be really PO'd.

Posted by: barryjo | Aug 24, 2011 7:08:04 PM

As soon as my FEMA aid comes through, I'm sending that poor little girl some money. Where are those people, anyway? Shouldn't they be air dropping MREs and bottled water by now? I don't feel like shopping, okay, the parking at Whole Foods is awful. And where the hell is Anderson Cooper? Are all his shirts with the permanently rolled up sleeves at the cleaners or something?

Posted by: Planet Moron | Aug 24, 2011 2:44:28 PM

To get a real perspective on this horrifying tragedy, we now go to an interview with a traumatized survivor:


Posted by: TheOldMan | Aug 24, 2011 12:30:31 PM

Thanks. I'm just waiting for some of that free FEMA money to come through to help me buy a new car. I mean, to help me put back together a life that has been shattered by circumstance. Yeah, that sounds better.

Posted by: Planet Moron | Aug 24, 2011 11:28:47 AM

I work at Sikorsky Aircraft's main facility in Stratford, CT., and I felt the quake at work. Most didn't feel it, or thought it was just vibrations from a truck.

Good job surviving it, we'd miss your missives.

Posted by: MPH | Aug 23, 2011 6:07:56 PM

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