The Day The Earth Didn’t Stand Still

As many of you have no doubt heard by now, an earthquake struck southern Virginia, sending shockwaves throughout the Washington, DC area, resulting in building evacuations, traffic jams, and what is believed will be widespread outbreaks of metaphors including, “the real earthquake hit DC last November,” “if you think things look shaky now, wait until you see the new deficit numbers,” and “Obama will need more than an earthquake to move the GOP-lead Congress.”

Regular readers know that Planet Moron is based in the DC metro area and so we thought we would provide you with our harrowing first-person account of the disaster:

1:53 PM: It shook a lot.
1:54 PM: It stopped.

We’ll be honest. We’ve never felt more alive than we do right now. It’s as if death himself came to pay a visit, but realized he had forgotten his wallet and so turned around and went home.

Okay, so that wasn’t as spine tingling as we could have hoped.

Fearing for their safety, many people fled the building we were in to take refuge exactly fifty feet outside of the building. Which is about twenty stories tall. And sheathed in glass. 

We’re kind of new at this around here.

So far the death toll from the quake stands at a reported zero, with widespread lack of damage, but it can be crazy after a disaster, so those totals may be exaggerated.

In the meantime, Fox News is reporting that a police officer told a producer that the Washington Monument might be tilting, marking the official beginning of the Katrina phase of the natural disaster. We can all begin to look forward to thinly sourced headlines such as these:

“Cannibalism at the Federal Reserve”

“DC Considering Dynamiting Metro Tunnels in Desperate Effort to Hold Back Mole People Freed From Their Subterranean Prison”

“Donald Trump Reconsidering Presidential Run”

And for those of you lamenting the fact that the earth didn’t open up and swallow Congress, you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know better than that.

Congress is out of town.

J.