Elizabeth Warren’s Rant - Adjusted Version

It lit up the Internet. Finally, somebody willing to yell incoherently about things she doesn’t understand stand up for progressive values:

I hear all this, you know, ‘Well, this is class warfare, this is whatever.” No. There is nobody in this country who got rich on his own — nobody.

You built a factory out there? Good for you. But I want to be clear. You moved your goods to market on the roads the rest of us paid for. You hired workers the rest of us paid to educate. You were safe in your factory because of police-forces and fire-forces that the rest of us paid for. You didn’t have to worry that marauding bands would come and seize everything at your factory — and hire someone to protect against this — because of the work the rest of us did.

Now look, you built a factory and it turned into something terrific, or a great idea. God bless — keep a big hunk of it. But part of the underlying social contract is, you take a hunk of that and pay forward for the next kid who comes along.”

Given that Massachusetts Senatorial candidate Elizabeth Warren avoided in any way addressing the arguments her opponents are actually making, we thought we’d recast her rant through the eyes of the rest of us:

I hear all this, you know, ‘Well, this is class warfare, this is whatever.” No. There is nobody in this country who got rich on his own — nobody.

You built a factory out there? Good for you. But I want to be clear. You built that factory using federal loan guarantees the rest of us paid for. It uses electricity subsidized by campaign contributions the rest of us paid for. Your workers drive to work in General Motors cars the rest of us paid for. Your business benefits from the study of lightweight embodiment as an input for collaborative creative interaction in the design and production of interactive dance performances, the rest of us paid for! You didn’t have to worry that marauding bands would come and seize everything at your factory — and hire someone to protect against this — because sending out marauding bands to seize everything at your factory is the job of federal agents, the rest of us paid for.

Now look, you built a factory and it turned into something terrific, or a great idea, providing jobs and opportunities for your fellow citizens. God bless — that’s why we let you keep a hunk of your money, just a much smaller hunk than the rest of us. But part of the underlying social contract is, if you work really hard and make sacrifices and are successful, you should keep an even smaller hunk and pay forward so the rest of us don’t have to.

There, that's better.

J.