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November 21, 2011

Okay, So Who Would Man the Butterball Help Line Then?

You know who doesn’t want you working on Thanksgiving Day?


This, according to Susan Brooks Thistlethwaite, a professor of theology at the Chicago Theological Seminary, which is how she knows (he probably dropped by during her office hours).

“Let us be clear. Squeezing profits out of the American worker in this way not only violates standards of basic human dignity, from a faith perspective it also is an affront to the God who created people in God’s image.”

Here at Planet Moron, we were raised as good Christians, and yet don’t remember working on Thanksgiving to be considered an affront to God.  Working on Christmas, maybe. Easter?  Sure.  Bingo night?  What, are you kidding?!  But we don’t ever remember God setting aside Thanksgiving as a day of rest.

But that’s not important.  What is important is that Ms. Thistlethwaite really hates the fact that people work hard to buy things:

“Our economy has become a treadmill for both workers and consumers alike, locked in an awful race of overwork and consumption... Consumers, with their salaries flat or even cut in recent years, think they need the sales in order to afford gifts for the holidays. Workers are locked on to this same treadmill, having to service the consumption in order for the machinery of the economy to ‘improve.’”

And by “improve,” she means, “improve.”

“This system is profoundly immoral.”

Really, is there anything more immoral than free individuals engaging in the trade of goods, services, and labor absent the coercive intervention of the state and in so doing exercising the free will with which they had been endowed by their creator? Surely it comes in somewhere in between coveting your neighbor’s wife and double-parking.

“First, the basic premise is false. These retailers don’t need to encroach on Thanksgiving in order to survive. Corporations are making huge profits, and they are increasingly doing so on the backs of American workers.”

This would probably be a good time to point out that this article appeared in the Washington Post’s “On Faith” section, dedicated to “A conversation on religion and politics.”

Second, the human toll of this increased ‘productivity’ is ‘heartbreaking and harrowing,’…”

And by “productivity,” she means, “productivity.”

“…as shown by personal stories of overworked Americans. The stories are crucial to understanding the human cost of our skewed economic values.”

Those skewed economic values being the product of the free will of the population as expressed in their desire for iPhones.

“Thanksgiving is about family and friends rejoicing together, relaxing after all the hard work of the year.”

You are going to enjoy yourselves dammit!  Now get your ass rejoicing or there’ll be hell to pay. Literally.

“How much is the American worker supposed to put up with? These stores are invading one of the few holidays many workers get anymore.”

As I look back, there is not a holiday I haven’t worked on at one time or another.  I do have to admit that I did not work on my wedding day, however I did work on my first anniversary, 2000 miles from my wife, holed up in a windowless conference room.

God must have been really ticked off at me.  More than my wife, even.

By the way, while Ms. Thistlethwaite has God on the line, yes, he supports higher taxes on the rich, and yes, he was behind the passage of Ohio “Issue 2” which rolled back Senate Bill 5’s restrictions on collective bargaining of public employee unions.

We really didn’t think of God as much of a detail guy, but there you go.

In fact, according to Ms. Thistlethwaite, collective bargaining is a “moral imperative.”

You see, but for Ms. Thistlethwaite, we would not have thought that colluding with others in a price-fixing scheme in order to extort monopolistic pricing for labor that would be illegal but for specific exemptions in anti-trust laws was a “moral imperative.” 

Ms. Thistlethwaite also notes that God wants you to have broadband.

And that He approves of economic stimulus plans and is against the Bush tax cuts.

And really hates cutting government-run social services.

While Ms. Thistlethwaite has spent years pointing out God’s public policy positions, she is careful to note just how important it is that we all guard against:

“…extremists who use religion as a wedge issue for political gain.”

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!


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November 21, 2011 at 01:48 PM in Current Affairs | Permalink


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Sounds like Lee's Gettysburg campaign.

Posted by: John | Nov 27, 2011 11:40:39 PM

I am still engaged in a typical Planet Moron holiday in which we drive between two and four hours each day throughout rural Pennsylvania. Upside: This is the land of whoopie pies.

Posted by: Planet Moron | Nov 26, 2011 9:58:40 PM

OK, Thanksgiving is over. Back to work! Snark doesn't write itself, you know.

Posted by: Michael | Nov 25, 2011 3:06:50 PM

Hey, those people get what's coming to them. But retail? Everyone knows you go into retail for the awesome work schedule!

Posted by: Planet Moron | Nov 22, 2011 12:22:12 PM

I suppose bimbette does not buy her own gasoline? Or use any utilities such as electricity and water on Thanksgiving day? Does thimbleskull listen to the radio or watch television on Thanksgiving day? How does room-temperature IQ Susan expect any of those things to work if people are not working on Thanksgiving day?

Posted by: TheOldMan | Nov 22, 2011 12:13:15 PM

So can I just send her my shopping list while I observe turkey day?
Where is it written that we HAVE to go shopping then?????

Posted by: barryjo | Nov 22, 2011 9:50:05 AM

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