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August 24, 2012

Playing Catch Up

For those readers who rely on Planet Moron as their primary source of news and information, we thought we’d provide a brief recap of some of the more noteworthy events of the past several months and also remind those readers that there are services and resources available for them to get the help they so desperately need..

In April we were greeted with doomsayer Paul Ehrlich’s latest call that we must dramatically reduce the number of people not named Paul Ehrlich if we are to save the world from overpopulation.

Most readers will remember Mr. Ehrlich for his bestselling 1968 book, “Population Bomb,” about which he says, “Most of the predictions have proved correct.”

Except for the part where we’re all dead.

But otherwise, spot on.

Still, Mr. Ehrlich notes:

“Things have been coming up worse than was predicted. We have the threats now of vast epidemics.”

Not actual epidemics, like we used to have, but threats of epidemics, which when you think about it is even worse. (You have to think about it a really long time. Also, you have to be Paul Ehrlich.)

In May, the famous liberal economist and former Clinton Labor Secretary, Robert Reich, astonished his followers by coming out in full support of free market economics, pointing out that:

 “The answer isn’t socialism, it’s capitalism.”

There were only two things that Mr. Reich did not like about capitalism that he thought needed to be changed:

  1. The Capital
  2. The ism.

As it turns out, the problem with capitalism as Mr. Reich see it is that it does not “fairly distribute its benefits,” by which he means, that the benefits are mostly distributed to those who created them as opposed to those who did not.

In what kind of crazy upside-down world is that fair?

All we need to do according to Mr. Reich is to nationalize the health insurance industry, forcibly reduce executive salaries and redistribute the wealth to laborers (or else!), break up the banks, and further federalize public education.

“We don't need socialism. We need a capitalism that works for the vast majority.“

Which conveniently enough just so happens to be capitalism.

In June we were informed that Pell grants, the free money provided to people who don’t want to have to in any way, whether through work, loans, or otherwise, pay for their own college education, were devouring the federal education budget with little to show for it.  However, this analysis overlooked the crucial role Pell grants play in addressing the needs of our nation’s fast food industry and its chronic shortage of English Lit. majors.

Also in June, we were treated to a European court decision that ruled that workers who happen to get sick during their vacation have the right to demand that they be granted another vacation to make up for it.

In totally unrelated news, Europe continues to slowly swirl down the drain of fiscal insolvency.  Experts remain baffled as to the cause or the solutions but hope that one day they may come to understand this impenetrable mystery.

In July President Obama made what might be his most famous taken-totally-out-of-context gaffe when he suggested that private business owners did not build their businesses.  What he meant to say, was that:

"Every single great idea that has marked the 21st century, the 20th century and the 19th century has required government vision and government incentive."

Wait, sorry, that was Joe Biden.

Anyway, you get the idea. In no way does the President mean to demean the hardworking entrepreneurs who through guile, courage, and perseverance, made this nation great. It’s just that they can’t dismiss the important role burdensome regulations, meddlesome bureaucrats, and capricious enforcement play in creating prosperity.

Which reminds us, Amtrak managed to lose $800 million selling $9 hamburgers.

You think private industry could do that absent government vision and incentive?

In August we have the Presidential race heating up as both major political parties prepare for their respective conventions. 

From what we can tell, the Democrats are planning on focusing on the one issue that has naturally drowned out all others this election cycle:


You hear it all across the country as struggling families gather around their kitchen tables wondering where their next abortion is going to come from. Let’s be honest with ourselves, we are all facing the very real prospect that for the first time in American history, the next generation will have a lower standard of abortions than the last.

As for the Republicans, Mitt Romney made the risky decision of the extremely extreme extremist, Paul Ryan, as his choice for Vice President.  Congressman Ryan is possibly best known for the extreme “Ryan Plan” which would extremely take a hatchet to the current $3.8 trillion federal budget and hack it all the way up to $4.9 trillion by 2022.

It’s like he has no heart.

Which brings us to today.  Not to worry, as we enter this election season, you can count on Planet Moron to be at your side. Well, maybe not at your side.  Possibly more like slumped over in your chair having drunk all your liquor, made a pass at your wife, used your credit card to order a cable TV baseball playoff package, made a pass at your daughter, used up all your artisan cheese by melting it over elbow macaroni, and made a pass at your dog.

But that’s kind of like the same thing.


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August 24, 2012 at 12:58 PM in Current Affairs | Permalink


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Glad you're back. Don't go away again anytime soon now, y'hear?

Posted by: pa | Sep 2, 2012 2:51:26 PM

Hey, yay, welcome back! Thanks for the post, I seriously thought nothing had happened in the world since the Sandra Fluke thing 8^)

And that dog comment was gross. My dog's a male and I'm just not a supporter of that inter-species same sex marriage thing.

Posted by: An Average American | Aug 27, 2012 5:46:42 PM

We have a couple of labs. The chocolate one is a total affection slut. If nothing else, I appreciate her honesty and shamelessness!

Posted by: Planet Moron | Aug 27, 2012 5:23:39 PM

Yay! I'm so glad you are back, but also now reminded of how much funnier I wish I was. Try not to make me so jealous next time you post.

I feel the same way about watching our political future unfold thru Nov 5 (and beyond.) There isn't enough wine in the world to adequately quell my nerves.

So come on over! I don't have any daughters to worry about, but my dog would probably seriously appreciate a little extra attention. She's a total whore that way.

Posted by: Linda | Aug 26, 2012 10:29:54 AM

Your dog is safe, John. While it has been a long time since I was beaten up by an FBI agent AND a Navy SEAL, I am away that weekend!

And thanks all for the kind words. Hopefully I won't fall out of the saddle again too soon. It's kind of painful.

Posted by: Planet Moron | Aug 26, 2012 9:22:34 AM

That's bad news for the dog.

Posted by: Michael | Aug 24, 2012 7:51:20 PM

It is great to hear from you again. I'm coming to Alexandria over the Memorial Day weekend. Want to come over, drink my son's booze, and maybe decorate his deck with effluent? I would recommend against making a pass at his wife-she's an FBI Special Agent, and he was a Navy SEAL.

Posted by: John Illinois | Aug 24, 2012 5:28:38 PM

Woohoo, you are back in the saddle!!! I haven't had a clue about anything since the Fluke flop and now I can be informed once more. We are saved!

Posted by: TheOldMan | Aug 24, 2012 4:05:58 PM

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