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October 23, 2013

Obamacare User Guide

There has been an unfortunate amount of confusion regarding how to apply for insurance under Obamacare, most likely due to the lack of information available during the government shutdown. In this vacuum, many people simply went looking to sign up using the web site.

What is this, 2005?

Nobody uses the Internet anymore. Sure, Obamacare has a web site but that was mostly just for older citizens who are simply more comfortable with things they are familiar with, no matter how obviously dated, like CDs, or Miley Cyrus keeping her clothes on.

As it turns out, Obamacare is much more cutting edge, with new and exciting ways to sign up.  To help you with what may be unfamiliar technology, we’ve prepared a short user’s guide.

The Obamacare User Guide

Putting The “no” in “Innovation!”


No doubt, most of you are unfamiliar with this exciting new development.  At only a fraction of the thickness of an iPad, and lighter than a Galaxy S4, Obamacare’s paper applications are a stunning site to behold. 

And when it comes to flexible displays, the future is here!  Paper can be flexed into all manner of shapes, and even made into small flying craft, “paper airplanes,” if you will. Try that with a laptop! Paper is like the carbon nanotubes of the new century, with nearly limitless applications!

And paper is totally backwards compatible with any type of writing instrument, from pens, to pencils, to Sharpies to crayons. It’s obsolescence proof!

You’ll find using paper technology to apply for Obamacare is as easy as 1-2-3!


Then it’s on to page 2!

And 3.

And 4.

And 5.

And 6.

 And 7.

 And some appendices.

And just like that, it’s a week later and you’re almost ready to send in your application. Which brings us to a related innovation.


Rather than go through the laborious process of first finding out where your cursor is on your monitor, then looking for the “Send” button, then moving your cursor all the way over to the Send button and then having to apply downward pressure in order to “click” on it like you have to do using the Internet, all Obamacare’s paper application requires is the quick and easy application of a stamp! For those of you younger than 27, please refer to our stamp FAQ below for any questions you may have.

Stamp Frequently Asked Questions

Q: What’s a stamp?

A: It’s a sticky piece of paper you apply to an envelope.

Q: What’s an envelope?

A: It’s a paper folder with a sticky flap you put your paper application in.

Q: What’s paper?

A: Please see section above.

Q: Is it also sticky?

A: Not usually, no.

Q: Because it seems like everything having to do with paper is sticky.

A: The paper application is not sticky.

Q: I hate sticky things.  Ever spill a latte on an Xbox game pad? Now that’s sticky.

A: It’s not sticky.

Q: Boy, I could use a latte right now.

A: Remember, you’re trying to apply for health care.

Q: Oh,yeah.  So, can I get unlimited stamping?

A: No, not really.

Q: Can I roll over my unused stamps to the next month?

A: As a matter of fact, you can.

Q: Awesome!

After Sending in your paper application using a stamp, you can now sit back and relax, and know that you’re covered. In 6 to 8 weeks. Maybe.

Toll-Free Phone Number

Phones aren’t just for texting, updating your facebook status or sending instagrams, you can talk on it, too! 

It’s true!  And Obamacare makes use of this technology by permitting you to call a toll-free phone number. Please consult our Toll-Free Phone Number Faq if you have any questions.

Toll-Free Phone Number FAQ

Q: What’s a toll?

A: Its’ when you have to pay for a phone call.

Q: You have to pay for phone calls?

A: Well, in a sense…

Q: Because I have unlimited calling.

A: Well, then, you don’t have to worry about it.

Q: Then why bring it up?

A: It’s mainly for people who use land lines.

Q: What’s a land line?

A: It’s a phone that is wired to the wall.

Q: Oh, like those pens at banks.

A: Well, not re…

Q: So people won’t steal them, got it.

A: No, that’s not…

Q: I guess it would make sense that people who are too poor to be able to afford unlimited calling probably live in bad neighborhoods and would want to wire their phones to the wall.

A: No, you’re missing the point…

Q: So, what if I don’t need the toll-free number, what should I do?

A: Use a stamp.

Q: What’s a stamp?

And there you have it. As the President said, Obamacare is “not just a web site.”

It’s also stacks of paper and call centers! 

That all rely on the web site.


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October 23, 2013 at 02:57 PM in Current Affairs | Permalink


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Must...stop...laughing....guffaw! How are you able to so perfectly characterize the average Obama voter?

Posted by: TheOldMan | Oct 23, 2013 5:34:43 PM

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