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May 17, 2020

Democrat’s 3-Trillion Dollar Spending Bill FAQ

If you’re like most Planet Moron readers, you’re probably trying to figure out how to remove your home monitoring ankle bracelet.

Also, you’re wondering what’s up with this three-trillion-dollar spending bill the Democratic-controlled House just passed.

Fortunately for you, we’re here to help! 

With understanding the bill, not removing the ankle bracelet.

Planet Moron’s Three-Trillion Dollar Spending Bill FAQ

 

Q: I did not realize we had another $3 trillion dollars in spare money lying around

A: We don’t.

 

Q: Oh, then we’re just talking about the $3 trillion we already spent.

A: No, this is an additional $3 trillion.

 

Q: But didn’t you just say we don’t have $3 trillion of additional money available?

A: We didn’t have the first $3 trillion either, so what does it matter?

 

Q: That seems like an awful lot of money.

A: Actually, it’s not enough. What we really need to do is give ourselves trillions of more dollars.

 

Q: Who’s going to pay for this, our grandkids?

A: Absolutely not, that would be wholly unfair.

 

Q: Who, then?

A: Our great grandkids and our great great grandkids.

 

Q: But that’s not…

A:  And our great great great grandkids.

 

Q: Yes, but…

A: And our great great great great grandkids…

 

Q: Okay, I get the idea.  I mean, you might as well, I don’t know, just mint a couple trillion-dollar coins and make believe it’s real money.

A: Actually

 

Q: I don’t want to know.  So, what is this money for?

A: Purely emergency Covid-19 pandemic relief.

 

Q: We hear it includes things like $20 million for the national endowments for the arts and humanities.

A: Of course. The arts have really taken it on the chin. The supply chain disruptions in modelling clay alone would make your head spin.

 

Q: Are there any expenditures directly related to the pandemic?

A: Oh, there are plenty! A trillion dollars for state and local governments because we’re going to keep the economy shut down, billions for childcare through the end of the year because we’re going to keep the economy shut down, billions more for families because we’re going to keep the economy shut down…

 

Q: Wait, why don’t you just open the economy back up?

A: You want to kill your grandmother?

 

Q: I don’t want to kill my grandmother!

A: It kind of sounds like you do.

 

Q: I assure you I don’t. I’m just saying there are some states that are clearly finding some success in reopening their economies in a responsible manner despite the dire predictions and that we could all learn a lesson from that and perhaps replicate…

A: We’re listening to the scientists.

 

Q: Well, sure, but I’m talking about hard data, real-world results that…

A: The scientists say we’ll kill grandma if we reopen.

 

Q: But it doesn’t matter what they say if you have data that…

A: You must hate scientists.

 

Q: I do not hate scientists, in fact, there are some scientists who advocate opening up the economy

A: Are any of them named Anthony Fauci?

 

Q: Um, no.

A: All hail Lord Fauci.

 

Q: What?!

A: Was your grandmother a scientist?  That would help explain your antipathy towards her.

 

Q: Alright, enough about my grandmother. I understand the bill also includes cash payments to individuals?

A: Yes, there will be additional funds for people who are unemployed plus additional funds for essential workers in the form of “hazard pay.”

 

Q: So, you want to give money to people because they are unemployed, and also because they are employed.

A: Yes, also people where it doesn’t matter if they are employed or not.

 

Q: So, money specifically for people who are unemployed, people who are employed, and people in general?

A: Correct.

 

Q: And who pays for all this again?

A: What did your grandmother ever do to you?

J.

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May 17, 2020 at 12:57 PM in Covid-19/Coronavirus, Current Affairs | Permalink

Comments

Brilliant Q and A. I hear the As in AOC's voice for some reason.

Posted by: Jeff Alberts | May 17, 2020 2:51:39 PM

Thanks! AOC referred to the legislation as a "mixed bag." I'll leave it to you to consider what mix she would have preferred!

Posted by: Planet Moron | May 17, 2020 3:48:46 PM

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