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May 28, 2020

“AAAAAAaaaahhhhh!” He Recommended

You may be under the impression that when it comes to financial advice, you want a sober assessment of market conditions to ensure that your investment decisions are being made on a rational rather than emotional basis.

This could not be further from the truth. Keep in mind, we’re talking about your nest egg here, the money you have carefully put away for yourself and your family’s financial security. What you really want is something more hysterical, ideally a knee-jerk reaction based on an almost lizard-brain response that in no way takes into account anything beyond the current moment.

We saw this very scenario play out on CNBC yesterday with Andrew Sorkin and Joe Kernen, both morning anchors on the popular business cable channel.

As you can see, Andrew Sorkin was trying to patiently scream about how he was “arguing about people’s lives,” while Joe Kernen, for reasons known only to him, decided instead to focus on consumer and business matters on the Consumer News Business Channel and speak in a voice bordering on normal about how instead of engaging in panic and fear mongering as Sorkin had done, he had suggested people keep their cool when the market was plunging back in March.

You can tell how much more correct Sorkin is by how loudly he is speaking.  That’s always a good sign that you’re getting the advice you need.

At one point during the debate, Sorkin calmly shrieked that all Kernen was doing was trying “to help your friend the president.”

It is exactly this kind of wholly irrelevant information that is critical to the appropriate allocation of your investment funds.

Sure, you could listen to someone like Joe Kernen, who regularly drones on about how people should keep their head when fear grips the market and stocks plummet, but where would that leave you? Besides richer, we mean. 

That’s right, you’d be left with barely any opportunity to luxuriate in your own self-righteous outrage. 

It feels good, doesn’t it?  A lot better than a secure retirement, that’s for sure!

So, the next time you’re seeking out investment advice, forget about what the market is signaling, and think instead about who is virtue signaling.


May 28, 2020 at 09:20 PM in Current Affairs | Permalink | Comments (0)

May 26, 2020

CNN: Men Doing Much Better In Pandemic, Other Than All The Dying, Of Course.

A CNN headline recently alerted us to the real tragedy of the pandemic, the fact that "Coronavirus is killing more men. But the lockdown is disastrous for women and their rights:"

Screen Shot 2020-05-24 at 9.05.43 AM

Apparently CNN does not consider dying to be disastrous.  What do they consider "disastrous" you ask?

Having more limited access to contraception.

I think you’d be hard pressed to find anyone who wouldn’t prefer a miserable death, gasping for air, and isolated from loved ones, over not being able to get birth control pills in a timely manner.

The article gets right into it from the start:

London (CNN)The novel coronavirus seems to be more deadly for men. But in many other ways, women are bearing the brunt of this pandemic.”

Among those “other ways” is a 10% greater likelihood of suffering a job loss.

You could argue that since men have a 50% greater likelihood of suffering a death, they are technically also experiencing a greater likelihood of a job loss since losing your life can really interfere with getting a good quarterly performance review.

On the other hand, shut up.

There are of course serious outcomes that do not include losing your life that women face disproportionately, such as domestic violence. Quite a bit of attention has been paid to that, as it should.

Screen Shot 2020-05-24 at 9.04.33 AM

You’d think in light of that, and all the other real-life negative outcomes of shutting people inside their homes, CNN would highlight the importance of easing up on the lockdowns so as to mitigate the extensive damage being done to women.

If you are thinking that, you probably need to start thinking about something else.

We suggest bunnies. And maybe gin.

Okay, gin. 


May 26, 2020 at 07:18 AM in Covid-19/Coronavirus, Current Affairs | Permalink | Comments (0)

May 25, 2020

We Can Only Snark Because of Their Sacrifice. Thank You.



May 25, 2020 at 08:07 AM in Current Affairs | Permalink | Comments (0)

May 22, 2020

Lockdown Now. Lockdown Tomorrow. And Lockdown Forever! 

Remember when the goal was to “flatten the curve,” by spreading out infections from the coronavirus over a longer period of time so as to avoid a sudden surge in hospitalizations that could overwhelm our healthcare system?

Yeah, so that’s not the goal anymore. 

The new goal is to be absolutely 100% certain we won’t get sick.

What was wrong with the old goal, you ask?

Mainly, it’s that we achieved it.  Time to move on to a new goal, the better to keep us under house arrest.

Safe. We mean the better to keep us safe. 

According to Pennsylvania Governor Tom Wolf, an eminent epidemiologist renowned for his tireless work selling kitchen cabinetry, what we really need are some guarantees:

“I think that’s what it’s going to take to really get our economy back to normal, and I really think that can’t happen fully, 100 percent until we have a vaccine that is foolproof.”

It should probably be pointed out that there has never, in the history of humankind, ever been a vaccine that is 100% effective.

The only virus we were ever able to eradicate was smallpox, but that took 100 years and wasn’t because the vaccine was foolproof, it was due to a sustained worldwide effort to create herd immunity.

Hopefully that mask of yours is comfortable.

It is also worthy to note that there are some viruses for which we have never found a vaccine such as AIDS and malaria.  And the flu still kills tens of thousands of Americans each year and all we have for that is a vaccine which is only about 50% effective.

Hopefully that mask is REALLY comfortable.

But wait, you say, we landed a man on the moon, surely we can get a 100% foolproof vaccine.

Yes, we did land a man on the moon! 

(Or, in the interest of maximum wokeness, we landed a “white cis male” on the moon.)

Of course, that took seven years.

As “Republican” governor George Wallace might have said, “Lockdown now. Lockdown tomorrow. And lockdown forever!”

We understand moisturizer can ease the facial irritation the masks can cause when worn long-term.

In fairness, we should point out that it’s not like we’re being treated like prisoners in our own home, only being allowed out for good behavior.  It’s that we are being treated like prisoners in our own home only being allowed out with good behavior.

And it’s not as if the entire economy is shut down. Essential “life-sustaining” businesses were allowed to stay open, such as Governor Wolf’s former kitchen cabinetry company.

The company somehow managed to get a waiver, even though at the time, the state had received 24,000 waiver requests, and had only gotten through 8000.

Well, after this was discovered, Pennsylvania promptly rescinded the waiver.

The company remained open assuming it was all a “clerical, administrative error.”

As the CEO explained:

“The waiver doesn’t mean anything, We didn’t need no steenking waiver.”

Okay, we may have added the “no steenking” part.

It actually makes sense if you think about it.  The company provides kitchen cabinets. Kitchen cabinets hold plates. You need plates to put your food on.  You need food to live.

Ergo, kitchen cabinets are “life-sustaining!”

Okay, stop thinking about it.

It appears Wolf has since ceased operations (although that is not entirely clear). The governor is said to have a squeaky clean reputation and it’s unlikely he’d ever purposefully, favor a company he no longer even owns, in the middle of a pandemic.

More likely, we are told, the entire process of the state shutdown was:

“…done unilaterally with no input, no warning. It’s very ill-conceived and it’s constantly being revised.”

So, you see, Governor Wolf is not corrupt. He’s just incompetent.

You might want to look into getting some more masks.


May 22, 2020 at 04:26 PM in Covid-19/Coronavirus, Current Affairs | Permalink | Comments (0)

May 20, 2020

As Whoopi Goldberg Might Say, Unmasking is Lawful, just not "Lawful Lawful"

You’ve likely heard about the controversy over the unmasking of former Trump security advisor and three-star general Michael Flynn and are probably asking yourself, “mmbbf mmf mmbb?”

That's because you forgot to take your mask off when you got inside. It’s okay now, you’re perfectly safe inside your own home.

But, that’s not the kind of unmasking we’re talking about.

By law, the identity of Americans who are not the target of any investigation and who get caught up in the monitoring of foreign individuals have their names “masked” or hidden so as to preserve their fourth-amendment rights against such government intrusions.

However, those names can be “unmasked,” or revealed, if requested by administration officials such as the Acting Deputy Assistant Secretary of the Treasury, a position you can’t even be considered for unless you have demonstrated an ability to commit to memory really long job titles.

Many Trump supporters are outraged that this was done as an end-run around the Constitution permitting the government to examine the private phone calls and other communications of General Flynn without obtaining a properly adjudicated warrant.

But rest assured, there’s really nothing to see here at all. You see, it’s “completely routine,” and “not an unusual practice.”

In fact, on average, about two dozen such requests are made every single day!  The Trump administration itself has made thousands of requests a year!

Before we go any further, we should probably point out that those last two points were intended to be comforting. We don’t know about you, but we sure are feeling comforted. But then we’ve been drinking gin all day.

In addition to being purely routine, there are of course many layers of protection in place assuring that when thousands of Americans’ inalienable Constitutional rights are being routinely violated, they are being routinely violated in a thoroughly lawful manner. (Just not, as Whoopi Goldberg might put it, “lawful lawful.”)

First of all, only “senior” administration officials have the authority to unmask someone, like the aforementioned Acting Deputy Assistant Secretary of the Treasury, Mike Neufeld. You can tell he how senior he is, as he reported directly to the Assistant Secretary for Intelligence and Analysis, who reported to the Under Secretary for Terrorist Financing and Financial Crimes, who reported to the Deputy Secretary who then reported to the Secretary.

Basically, if the federal government were a bank, he was the supervisor overseeing ATM maintenance. 

Sorry, “Acting” supervisor.

Second, it’s not like you can just “unmask” someone whenever you want. In order to request an unmasking of a US citizen, this very senior member of the administration must first submit a form (which we have on good authority consists at least in part of essay questions) and turn it in to another member of that same administration for approval.

Consider it less “checks and balances,” and more “checks and checks!”

So, as you can see, there is no need to concern yourself that Americans are being routinely surveilled without a warrant or any judicial overview. The legal argument for unmasking is well-founded with decades of precedent behind it in the successful settlement of disputes among middle-school-aged children and their parents:

“But everyone is doing it.”


May 20, 2020 at 09:30 AM in Current Affairs | Permalink | Comments (1)

May 18, 2020

So, They Want to Force Us to Use Face Coverings...

We're sure it's just a coincidence. Yeah, let's go with coincidence.

Mask Trend


May 18, 2020 at 04:53 PM in Covid-19/Coronavirus | Permalink | Comments (2)

May 17, 2020

Shut Up, That's Why T-Shirt!

Shut up thats why

A special welcome to readers of Watts up With That, (a Planet Moron favorite) and a thanks to commenter Pat Frank for a shout out about our T-shirt.  Lots more at our Consensus Watch Cafe Press site. New content follows below, plus a very old Consensus Watch post (we'll have more in the future).

Now you have a chance to show your support for The Consensus with the Shut up, that’s why T-shirt, the perfect answer to anyone who dares to question the science behind global warming.

May 17, 2020 at 01:01 PM in Global Warming with CONSENSUS WATCH | Permalink | Comments (0)

Democrat’s 3-Trillion Dollar Spending Bill FAQ

If you’re like most Planet Moron readers, you’re probably trying to figure out how to remove your home monitoring ankle bracelet.

Also, you’re wondering what’s up with this three-trillion-dollar spending bill the Democratic-controlled House just passed.

Fortunately for you, we’re here to help! 

With understanding the bill, not removing the ankle bracelet.

Planet Moron’s Three-Trillion Dollar Spending Bill FAQ


Q: I did not realize we had another $3 trillion dollars in spare money lying around

A: We don’t.


Q: Oh, then we’re just talking about the $3 trillion we already spent.

A: No, this is an additional $3 trillion.


Q: But didn’t you just say we don’t have $3 trillion of additional money available?

A: We didn’t have the first $3 trillion either, so what does it matter?


Q: That seems like an awful lot of money.

A: Actually, it’s not enough. What we really need to do is give ourselves trillions of more dollars.


Q: Who’s going to pay for this, our grandkids?

A: Absolutely not, that would be wholly unfair.


Q: Who, then?

A: Our great grandkids and our great great grandkids.


Q: But that’s not…

A:  And our great great great grandkids.


Q: Yes, but…

A: And our great great great great grandkids…


Q: Okay, I get the idea.  I mean, you might as well, I don’t know, just mint a couple trillion-dollar coins and make believe it’s real money.

A: Actually


Q: I don’t want to know.  So, what is this money for?

A: Purely emergency Covid-19 pandemic relief.


Q: We hear it includes things like $20 million for the national endowments for the arts and humanities.

A: Of course. The arts have really taken it on the chin. The supply chain disruptions in modelling clay alone would make your head spin.


Q: Are there any expenditures directly related to the pandemic?

A: Oh, there are plenty! A trillion dollars for state and local governments because we’re going to keep the economy shut down, billions for childcare through the end of the year because we’re going to keep the economy shut down, billions more for families because we’re going to keep the economy shut down…


Q: Wait, why don’t you just open the economy back up?

A: You want to kill your grandmother?


Q: I don’t want to kill my grandmother!

A: It kind of sounds like you do.


Q: I assure you I don’t. I’m just saying there are some states that are clearly finding some success in reopening their economies in a responsible manner despite the dire predictions and that we could all learn a lesson from that and perhaps replicate…

A: We’re listening to the scientists.


Q: Well, sure, but I’m talking about hard data, real-world results that…

A: The scientists say we’ll kill grandma if we reopen.


Q: But it doesn’t matter what they say if you have data that…

A: You must hate scientists.


Q: I do not hate scientists, in fact, there are some scientists who advocate opening up the economy

A: Are any of them named Anthony Fauci?


Q: Um, no.

A: All hail Lord Fauci.


Q: What?!

A: Was your grandmother a scientist?  That would help explain your antipathy towards her.


Q: Alright, enough about my grandmother. I understand the bill also includes cash payments to individuals?

A: Yes, there will be additional funds for people who are unemployed plus additional funds for essential workers in the form of “hazard pay.”


Q: So, you want to give money to people because they are unemployed, and also because they are employed.

A: Yes, also people where it doesn’t matter if they are employed or not.


Q: So, money specifically for people who are unemployed, people who are employed, and people in general?

A: Correct.


Q: And who pays for all this again?

A: What did your grandmother ever do to you?


May 17, 2020 at 12:57 PM in Covid-19/Coronavirus, Current Affairs | Permalink | Comments (2)

May 15, 2020

Are You Going To Believe Them, Or Your Own Lying Eyes?

If you are confused with some of the media accounts regarding the Covid-19 virus, it could simply be because you are still relying on “old science.”

This is a common error.

Much in the way old math has been replaced by “New Math,” old science has been replaced by “New Science.”

The difference is important. Old science was grounded on the fundamental principle that conclusions must remain subject to scrutiny and therefore need to change in accordance with new data and observations whereas New Science is grounded in the fundamental principle of because I said so.

Let’s take a look at this in practice.

If you were to examine the recent data coming out of Georgia and Florida using old science, you might inadvertently conclude that it may indeed be possible to begin reopening our economy and yet still see infection rates maintain their decline and “flatten the curve.”

However, using New Science, we’re staying closed for three more months because I said so.

See how much less burdensome that is?  You barely have to think at all!  Here are your complimentary drugs and alcohol.

Those of you unfamiliar with New Science might mistakenly believe it sounds an awful lot like religion. Nothing could be further from the truth.  People who adhere to New Science believe you should accept without question the things a ruling elite tells you despite there being little to no observable evidence in support of, and possibly even contrary to, those pronouncements.

In stark contrast, people who adhere to religion are Republicans.

And that’s why smart people know they should stick to science. Science helps everything make sense. There's no reason to be confused anymore. For example, still trying to understand why engaging in anonymous sex hookups on Tinder is okay but shaking hands isn’t?

Because I said so.


May 15, 2020 at 12:20 PM in Covid-19/Coronavirus, Science | Permalink | Comments (0)