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May 22, 2020

Lockdown Now. Lockdown Tomorrow. And Lockdown Forever! 

Remember when the goal was to “flatten the curve,” by spreading out infections from the coronavirus over a longer period of time so as to avoid a sudden surge in hospitalizations that could overwhelm our healthcare system?

Yeah, so that’s not the goal anymore. 

The new goal is to be absolutely 100% certain we won’t get sick.

What was wrong with the old goal, you ask?

Mainly, it’s that we achieved it.  Time to move on to a new goal, the better to keep us under house arrest.

Safe. We mean the better to keep us safe. 

According to Pennsylvania Governor Tom Wolf, an eminent epidemiologist renowned for his tireless work selling kitchen cabinetry, what we really need are some guarantees:

“I think that’s what it’s going to take to really get our economy back to normal, and I really think that can’t happen fully, 100 percent until we have a vaccine that is foolproof.”

It should probably be pointed out that there has never, in the history of humankind, ever been a vaccine that is 100% effective.

The only virus we were ever able to eradicate was smallpox, but that took 100 years and wasn’t because the vaccine was foolproof, it was due to a sustained worldwide effort to create herd immunity.

Hopefully that mask of yours is comfortable.

It is also worthy to note that there are some viruses for which we have never found a vaccine such as AIDS and malaria.  And the flu still kills tens of thousands of Americans each year and all we have for that is a vaccine which is only about 50% effective.

Hopefully that mask is REALLY comfortable.

But wait, you say, we landed a man on the moon, surely we can get a 100% foolproof vaccine.

Yes, we did land a man on the moon! 

(Or, in the interest of maximum wokeness, we landed a “white cis male” on the moon.)

Of course, that took seven years.

As “Republican” governor George Wallace might have said, “Lockdown now. Lockdown tomorrow. And lockdown forever!”

We understand moisturizer can ease the facial irritation the masks can cause when worn long-term.

In fairness, we should point out that it’s not like we’re being treated like prisoners in our own home, only being allowed out for good behavior.  It’s that we are being treated like prisoners in our own home only being allowed out with good behavior.

And it’s not as if the entire economy is shut down. Essential “life-sustaining” businesses were allowed to stay open, such as Governor Wolf’s former kitchen cabinetry company.

The company somehow managed to get a waiver, even though at the time, the state had received 24,000 waiver requests, and had only gotten through 8000.

Well, after this was discovered, Pennsylvania promptly rescinded the waiver.

The company remained open assuming it was all a “clerical, administrative error.”

As the CEO explained:

“The waiver doesn’t mean anything, We didn’t need no steenking waiver.”

Okay, we may have added the “no steenking” part.

It actually makes sense if you think about it.  The company provides kitchen cabinets. Kitchen cabinets hold plates. You need plates to put your food on.  You need food to live.

Ergo, kitchen cabinets are “life-sustaining!”

Okay, stop thinking about it.

It appears Wolf has since ceased operations (although that is not entirely clear). The governor is said to have a squeaky clean reputation and it’s unlikely he’d ever purposefully, favor a company he no longer even owns, in the middle of a pandemic.

More likely, we are told, the entire process of the state shutdown was:

“…done unilaterally with no input, no warning. It’s very ill-conceived and it’s constantly being revised.”

So, you see, Governor Wolf is not corrupt. He’s just incompetent.

You might want to look into getting some more masks.


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May 22, 2020 at 04:26 PM in Covid-19/Coronavirus, Current Affairs | Permalink


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