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July 27, 2020

First They Came For The Chicken Wings And I Did Not Speak Out…

In their never-ending mission to make our lives better by helping us to navigate an increasingly complex and bewildering world, various state and municipal governments have created handy guides as to what constitutes a “meal.”

If you are like most Planet Moron readers, you’re probably saying to yourself, “That reminds me, which lunchmeat is green? I found a sandwich in my glovebox and I can’t decide whether I should put mayo or mustard on it.”

Also, “I think I’m perfectly capable of determining what is and is not a meal.”

Well, that’s where you’re clearly mistaken. Determing what is a meal needs to be left to the experts, also shut up.

The issue has arisen as states and municipalities have been setting down rules regarding which business are permitted to open during the Covid pandemic.

For example, while the CDC makes no distinction between bars and restaurants in its own guidelines on reopening, many states have decided that restaurants can open but bars cannot because, as Honolulu Mayor Kirk Caldwell points out:

“As you have one beer, two beers, three beers, you start to get more relaxed.”

And the last thing you want in the middle of a pandemic in which millions have lost jobs, kids are out of school, and prescriptions for depression medication are skyrocketing, is to provide people a means to relax.

This has incensed bar owners, who it should be pointed out, want to kill your grandma, with Sean Conroy, co-owner of International Tap House in Columbia, Missouri having said he felt like:

“We’re being punished because we don’t serve chicken wings.”

While he has since been allowed to reopen, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo must have been paying attention as he closed the notorious “chicken wing loophole” that would otherwise allow bars to open noting in his infinite wisdom that “sandwiches were the lowest level of substantive food” to be permitted.

How does he know this you may ask?

Because experts.

Naturally, the state walked the statement back by patiently explaining that you didn’t hear what you just heard.

California however, noted for not having a city named “Buffalo” within its borders, is holding the line against chicken wings and any other food that doesn’t qualify as a “meal.”

For example, the following foods are not enough to permit you to serve alcohol:

  • Pickles
  • Chips
  • Cheese sticks
  • Pretzels
  • Dessert

Which pretty much eliminates 90% of my son’s daily calories.

You can tell they put a lot of thought into this with panels of highly paid experts spending countless hours determining the minutia of what counts and what doesn’t. For example, a flouta, which is a flour tortilla wrapped around a filling and deep fried is not a meal. A chimichanga, which is a flour tortilla wrapped around a filling and deep fried is.

Glad they could clear that up for us.

Just in case you think it is just a bunch of petty bureaucrats dictating rules without applying some leeway or common sense, rest assured, nothing could be further from the truth. The California authorities want you to know that the:

“Department does recognize that many sandwiches and salads are substantial and can constitute legitimate meals. Once again, the Department looks at the totality of circumstances…”

As an aside, they will be drawing salaries while they determine the totality of your sandwich.

“…and generally considers that pre-packaged sandwiches and salads would not typically meet this standard.”

We’re assuming packaging goes to motive.

“In evaluating this, the Department generally looks at the various menu offerings, availability during typical meal hours, and whether the food offered is served in a reasonable quantity and what a reasonable person might consider to be a meal consumed at breakfast, lunch, or dinner.”

Did we mention they will be drawing a salary while they do this?  We should have added that if you live in California you’ll be paying those salaries.

Now if you’ll excuse us, it's time for a snack. Or a meal.  Wait, where are those guidelines?…


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July 27, 2020 at 03:45 PM in Covid-19/Coronavirus, Current Affairs | Permalink


Reading this made me hungry. So much for the diet.

Posted by: bluebird of bitterness | Aug 8, 2020 11:29:18 AM

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