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July 31, 2020

Virtue Signaling Yard Signs Deciphered, What Those Virtual Signaling Yard Signs Really Mean

If you live in a neighborhood made up mostly of single-family homes and populated by guilty white liberals, you very well may have witnessed a sudden sprouting of virtue-signaling yard signs. There are a number of variations on the theme and it can be difficult for the uninitiated to understand. Why are people putting these out? What do these signs really mean? "Science is real?" Why is that necessary to post in your yard?

We're here to help, of course:

Virtue Signaling Yard Signs Deciphered

Typical "We Believe" sign:

We Believe

What your neighbors are really trying to say:

Virtue Signaling Yard Sign

Typical Black Lives Matter sign:

Black Lives

What your neighbors are really trying to say:

Please Don't Hurt Us

White Supremacy is Terrorism sign

Whte Supremacy

What your neighbors are really trying to say:

Whte Supremacy

Happy to clear that up for you. If you'd like to get your own deciphered version of a "We Believe" yard sign (and other items), of course we have those available right here.

Happy virtue signaling!


Yes, it's true, you can now get your own, more understandable and clear, virtue signaling yard signs (and other items) at our Cafe Press Store. Until we get canceled of course. 

Virtue_signaling_yard_sign 0_550x550_Back_Color-White

July 31, 2020 at 10:30 AM in Current Affairs | Permalink | Comments (0)

July 29, 2020

Book Review How To Destroy America in Three Easy Steps by Ben Shapiro

Ben Shapiro speaks in a kind of staccato rat-a-tat-tat, like he’s machine gunning you with his ideas. Consider it a simultaneous exercise of both his first and second amendment rights.

Since he narrates this, his latest book, How To Destroy America in Three Easy Steps, this style of delivery is a consideration if you’re listening to the audio version, as I did, less so if you happen to be literate and are reading it instead.

That said, while I thought the delivery style might grow tiresome, it doesn’t. I’m a bit of a fast talker myself, and when listening to a slow talker find myself wanting to reach down his or her throat and yank the words out.

Do that with Ben Shapiro, and you lose a hand.

Most authors benefit from having a professional narrator read their book for them. It is a separate skill set after all. (Although not foolproof, I have passed on certain audiobooks because I did not like the narrator.)  But Shapiro is an accomplished speaker and so it works just fine here.

Enough about style, what about the content?

I didn’t know a ton about Shapiro before reading this book, and really still don’t much beyond the confines of its pages (okay, kilobytes), but I have been lectured to by my betters in the media that he is VERY CONTROVERSIAL, which I suppose he is, if by “very controversial” you mean, “considers America to be not a particularly terrible place.”

Great, I think I need a safe space now.  And counseling.  Counseling in a safe space would be perfect. And have all my student loans paid off.  And a pony.

But I digress.

America being something other than awful, and that we are better off moving forward together guided by the country's founding principles, is essentially his message. He does not sugarcoat the past, in fact he recites it in brutal fashion, but he rejects the notion that the country was built on racism or white supremacy or any of the other charges made by revisionist historians, but rather makes the argument that the country was founded on enduring principles of freedom and equality, and it has been those very principles that have provided the moral foundation for an enslaved people to be freed, for a civil rights movement to have been embraced by both black and white alike, indeed, for every good thing this country has produced.

He has consistently held this view for many years, however it is recast in this book pitting what he calls the “Unionists” vs. the “Disintegrationists,” the latter of which seek to tear down the country and split it along racial and other lines familiar with those who peddle in identity politics. He proceeds to outline the “three easy steps” the disintegrationists are using to accomplish their aims.

You could dismiss this as basically the publishing version of clickbait, and it is an undeniably catchy headline, but it creates a workable framework to discuss the subject and works just fine in this book.

I will note I’m not fond of the term, “disintegrationist," which I believe he coined. First, it’s really a pain to type. Second, it’s just an ugly word. It makes sense for what he’s trying to say, but it’s almost the kind of thing you use early in a draft because you can’t think of anything better and then you forget to go back and change it. (BTDT)

That’s a nit, but really, I hate the word. Do I have a better word? No. No I do not. 


Okay, no, definitely not.

My weird obsession with the word “disintegrationist” aside (gah, had to type it again!) the book is well written and well argued. Ben Shapiro has considered these matters at length and presents a cogent and documented argument.  You don’t need to agree with every point in the book (or every statement he has ever made on Twitter) to profit from reading this book.

One final note for those of you who get the audio version. Shapiro does impressions for some of the politicians he quotes. I had not expected it, so I at first thought it was just unnecessary mockery, but he’s actually pretty good and does a decent Clinton and Obama. My favorite though is his surfer dude take on Beto O’Rourke, ending every quote with “brah.”  In the end I thought it was fine and actually helps distinguish these quotes from the text of the book, not always obvious when you’re listening instead of reading.

All said and done, I recommend this book highly to any free thinker. Yes, America has problems, always did and always will, and yes, it has a blemished and at times deeply disturbing past, but it is not unique among countries in that respect. It is, after all, populated by humans. But its uniqueness is grounded in its founding principles, which animates its onward march, winding though it may be at times, towards the creation of “a more perfect union.”


You can purchase the book, in multiple formats, right here (or through the graphic above) if you like. This is an affiliate link, costs you nothing but helps us out (and thank you for that). Full explanation of affiliate links can be round in the right sidebar towards the bottom.

July 29, 2020 at 09:52 AM in Books | Permalink | Comments (0)

July 27, 2020

First They Came For The Chicken Wings And I Did Not Speak Out…

In their never-ending mission to make our lives better by helping us to navigate an increasingly complex and bewildering world, various state and municipal governments have created handy guides as to what constitutes a “meal.”

If you are like most Planet Moron readers, you’re probably saying to yourself, “That reminds me, which lunchmeat is green? I found a sandwich in my glovebox and I can’t decide whether I should put mayo or mustard on it.”

Also, “I think I’m perfectly capable of determining what is and is not a meal.”

Well, that’s where you’re clearly mistaken. Determing what is a meal needs to be left to the experts, also shut up.

The issue has arisen as states and municipalities have been setting down rules regarding which business are permitted to open during the Covid pandemic.

For example, while the CDC makes no distinction between bars and restaurants in its own guidelines on reopening, many states have decided that restaurants can open but bars cannot because, as Honolulu Mayor Kirk Caldwell points out:

“As you have one beer, two beers, three beers, you start to get more relaxed.”

And the last thing you want in the middle of a pandemic in which millions have lost jobs, kids are out of school, and prescriptions for depression medication are skyrocketing, is to provide people a means to relax.

This has incensed bar owners, who it should be pointed out, want to kill your grandma, with Sean Conroy, co-owner of International Tap House in Columbia, Missouri having said he felt like:

“We’re being punished because we don’t serve chicken wings.”

While he has since been allowed to reopen, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo must have been paying attention as he closed the notorious “chicken wing loophole” that would otherwise allow bars to open noting in his infinite wisdom that “sandwiches were the lowest level of substantive food” to be permitted.

How does he know this you may ask?

Because experts.

Naturally, the state walked the statement back by patiently explaining that you didn’t hear what you just heard.

California however, noted for not having a city named “Buffalo” within its borders, is holding the line against chicken wings and any other food that doesn’t qualify as a “meal.”

For example, the following foods are not enough to permit you to serve alcohol:

  • Pickles
  • Chips
  • Cheese sticks
  • Pretzels
  • Dessert

Which pretty much eliminates 90% of my son’s daily calories.

You can tell they put a lot of thought into this with panels of highly paid experts spending countless hours determining the minutia of what counts and what doesn’t. For example, a flouta, which is a flour tortilla wrapped around a filling and deep fried is not a meal. A chimichanga, which is a flour tortilla wrapped around a filling and deep fried is.

Glad they could clear that up for us.

Just in case you think it is just a bunch of petty bureaucrats dictating rules without applying some leeway or common sense, rest assured, nothing could be further from the truth. The California authorities want you to know that the:

“Department does recognize that many sandwiches and salads are substantial and can constitute legitimate meals. Once again, the Department looks at the totality of circumstances…”

As an aside, they will be drawing salaries while they determine the totality of your sandwich.

“…and generally considers that pre-packaged sandwiches and salads would not typically meet this standard.”

We’re assuming packaging goes to motive.

“In evaluating this, the Department generally looks at the various menu offerings, availability during typical meal hours, and whether the food offered is served in a reasonable quantity and what a reasonable person might consider to be a meal consumed at breakfast, lunch, or dinner.”

Did we mention they will be drawing a salary while they do this?  We should have added that if you live in California you’ll be paying those salaries.

Now if you’ll excuse us, it's time for a snack. Or a meal.  Wait, where are those guidelines?…


July 27, 2020 at 03:45 PM in Covid-19/Coronavirus, Current Affairs | Permalink | Comments (1)

July 24, 2020

Teachers of The World Unite! (To Defund the Police, Expand Medicare and Maybe Teach. Someday.)

Public school teachers are extremely concerned not only with your child’s education, but also their health and well-being.

And taking money from the police and giving it to themselves.

But mostly your child’s education and those other things. Well-being, that’s it. And health. Super-important.

Why take money from the police? According to the Los Angeles teacher’s union:

“Police violence is a leading cause of death and trauma for Black people and is a serious public health and moral issue.”

The numbers are indeed stark. Of the top-ten causes of death for black people, “police violence” is off the charts!

The bottom end of the charts.

Screen Shot 2020-07-24 at 8.02.04 AM

Okay, so it doesn’t rank at all.

And yes, you could point out that about 40 times more black people die of Alzheimers than by police shootings and that hundreds of times more die at the hands of people in their own neighborhoods, but it’s important to understand that, statistically speaking, you’re a racist.

Of course, being teachers, they are also very concerned about Medicare for all and a wealth tax.

LA Teachers Union Demands

Oh, and education. We keep forgetting about the education part.

You can tell how concerned they are about the education of your children by their demand that absolutely no more charter schools be opened. Sure, charter schools may provide a poor family’s only opportunity to help their children receive a quality education, but that would “drain resources” from the completely inadequate education they now receive from district schools and from which their parents are desperately trying to help them escape.

We should probably point out that spending money on people in the country illegally, also a demand of the union, does not drain resources from district schools.  Only charter schools do that.

It’s math people.

The teachers point out that:

The COVID-19 pandemic in the United States underscores the deep equity and justice challenges arising from our profoundly racist, intensely unequal society.

You can tell how very racist LA society is what with their Hispanic/Jewish mayor, a city council more than half of which is non-white, and a police department nearly three-quarters of which is non-white, (roughly two-thirds including sworn officers).

This in a city that is about half white, and yet vote non-white people into positions of power which begs the question:

What are they trying to hide?

Finally, the LA teachers’ union, which we should probably remind you is primarily interested in the education of your children, points out:

Unlike other countries that recognize protecting lives is the key to protecting livelihoods, the United States has chosen to prioritize profits over people. The Trump administration’s attempt to force people to return to work on a large scale depends on restarting physical schools so parents have childcare... Meanwhile, the rewards of economic recovery accrue largely to white and well-off communities that have largely been shielded from the worst of the pandemic’s effects.

Exactly. The teachers understand this because they don’t benefit from economic recovery either!

They get paid no matter what.

The “Black and Brown working communities, where people are more likely to have “essential” jobs,” get nothing.

Well, other than jobs and a sense of self-worth and respect.


July 24, 2020 at 04:19 PM in Covid-19/Coronavirus, Current Affairs | Permalink | Comments (0)

July 23, 2020

Peaceful Protester-Violent Rioter Decision Trees

These are confusing times. If you follow most mainstream media outlets it can become difficult to tell who the peaceful protesters are and who are the violent rioters, made more so when elected officials join the protester/rioters (even when they don’t want them).

The problem is, just because someone sets a building on fire doesn’t necessarily make them a violent rioter any more than a peaceful protest ending without any violence does not mean participants weren’t violent rioters.

To simplify things, we’ve created a few decision trees you can use so you, too, can know who are violent protesters and who are not.

Just like a big-time news anchor.

(Click to enlarge.)

Peaceful Protest Decision Tree 1
Peaceful Protest Decision Tree 2

Peaceful Protest Decision Tree 3


July 23, 2020 at 01:50 PM in Current Affairs | Permalink | Comments (0)

July 21, 2020

Consensus Watch – 07/21/2020

An ongoing series dedicated to vigorously monitoring emerging threats to The Consensus that global warming is real, caused by humans, and must be addressed at all costs. Because without consensus, scientific conclusions would remain vulnerable to new data.

The Consensus on climate change continues to come under attack despite nearly unanimous agreement among eminent celebrities well-versed in in both music and theater, that it is in fact real.

For example, there’s Bill Nye, the Actor Guy, beloved by children and parents alike for his quirky yet sober take on science, like last year when he lit a globe with a blow torch on Last Week Tonight with John Oliver observing:

“What I’m saying is, the planet’s on f—ing fire,”

How can you argue with that? You can see it with your own eyes! (NSFW, but the kids will love it!)

Despite Nye trying to patiently explain that if you disagree wth him, you are “idiots,” there are still researchers out there who for some reason continue to insist on doing, get this, research.

Like that’s going to help.

The most recent study found that wildfires have actually become less extensive, not more, over the past several decades despite predictions and claims to the contrary.

What does that have to do with anything?

The planet’s on f—ing fire!  Look at it!


As you can see, The Consensus remains firmly intact.

As long as we continue to believe in it.


Support The Consensus by buying things and giving us money! Because that's how science works.

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July 21, 2020 at 02:31 PM in Global Warming with CONSENSUS WATCH | Permalink | Comments (0)

July 20, 2020

Critical Covid-19 Pandemic Public Service Announcement

In light of the ongoing Covid-19 pandemic, we thought it was imperative we provide our readers with the information they need so that they can make responsible, informed, and yes, science-based decisions:

Life is Risky
We must all do our part to spread this important message.

Lfe is Risky Splash


July 20, 2020 at 10:47 AM in Covid-19/Coronavirus, Current Affairs | Permalink | Comments (0)

July 17, 2020

Book Review I’m Your Emotional Support Animal by Adam Carolla

There are seven things you need to know about Adam Carolla’s latest book, “I’m Your Emotional Support Animal. Navigating Our All Woke, No Joke Culture.”

  1. It is hilarious.
  2. It is profane.
  3. It is politically incorrect.
  4. It is profane
  5. It is insightful.
  6. Did I mention it’s profane? It’s really profane.
  7. No, seriously. If you get the audio book, you don’t want your kids in the car when you listen to it, unless your kids are at least 35.

Prior to this book I was familiar with Adam Carolla only through his appearances on television and did not appreciate his talent for profanity. And I do mean talent.  The profanity is used to great comic effect.

And like all truly great humor, the book addresses serious issues and provides useful life lessons delivered with belly laughs, from proper risk assessment to how such risk assessment plays into the Covid pandemic (and the ensuing hysteria) to safe spaces and much more including, yes, the excessive reliance on, and over-indulgence of, emotional support animals, particularly on airlines.

Speaking of which, a short excerpt: 

It’d be interesting to get a time machine and talk to a farmer from 1870 and say, “One hundred and fifty hears from now, we’ll still be using service animals, but not for plowing fields and turning a grindstone.”

“Oh, so it will just be oxen pulling a wagon across the Great Plains?”

“Well, it will be for travel but not quite. You know those hysterical women you give laudanum and lock in the sanitarium? In the future we give them turkeys, pigs, and miniature horses to make them feel better and let them roam about the country in magical flying machines.”

His head would explode.

(For the record, I’m pretty sure I’m my dog’s emotional support animal.) Screen Shot 2020-07-17 at 1.21.29 PM

Incidentally, that excerpt is from the preface, the first part of which you can read using the “look inside” feature at Amazon.

None of that, nor his regular appearances on Fox News, makes him a conservative or a MAGA guy.  He is definitely his own guy. Which is all the better.

He is not into guns but supports others right to own them. (And there is a riff, revisited more than once, regarding his disdain for “gun nuts” who constantly correct his misuse of the term “clip” when he means magazine.  “Get over it gun nuts,” he says. I laugh every time because yeah, I’ve been that gun nut.)

He is not necessarily a Trump supporter either but can appreciate some of his qualities, particularly his refusal to ever apologize. In fact, that’s how he starts out the book, telling readers up front that he will not apologize for anything in the book.

Nor should he. If you are an independent thinker, are impossible or at least difficult to offend, and can laugh at anything so long as it is genuinely funny and not the virtue signaling that has corrupted so much of what passes for humor these days, this book is definitely for you.

In other words, it’s for the Planet Moron reader looking to see how a real pro does it!

One final point: I purchased the audio book as I typically do these days so I can listen to it while I drive. (I have found reading books while you drive to be way too dangerous. The paper cuts alone are enough, and in any case, how can you be expected to drive and read while juggling a coffee, taking Instagram selfies, and eating a breakfast burrito. It’s just not safe, particularly if you are wearing white.)  Therefore, I can’t compare it to reading the book, but Carolla is a performer, and having him read his own material (along with some bonus ad-libs and occasional contributions from his podcast partner) might very well be the way to go. Besides, at this writing it’s the cheapest option, more so if you do Audible by subscription.

But by all means, if you truly must show off all your fancy school-bought literacy, buy the book.

If you’d like to do either, there are links throughout this piece. (And right here.) These are affiliate links meaning we get a small percentage of the purchase price (very, very, small, enough for the lid that goes on the cup of coffee we can’t afford) that supports our work here, however that percentage does not come out of your pocket, it comes out of Jeff Bezos’ pocket.

Consider that a bonus benefit.


July 17, 2020 at 01:34 PM in Books | Permalink | Comments (0)

July 15, 2020

Planet Moron’s 5-Step E-Z Guide on How Not to be a Racist

Many of us were raised to believe that in order to not be a racist, you had to stop making assumptions about people based on their race but rather judge each person you encounter as an individual. In other words, not by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.

Hey! The ‘60s called. They want their civil rights movement back.

Like the concepts of limited government and checks and balances, that form of archaic thinking has long been left in the dustbin of history where it belongs.

Why is that?

First of all, taking the time and trouble to judge people individually sounds like a lot work. There has to be an easier way. Second, such an approach does not present any obvious opportunities for people to garner political advantage over their opponents.

Think about it. What would happen if everyone just started treating each other fairly as individuals?

We’ll tell you what. Freed from the constant outrage machine of political agitators, people might actually start paying attention to the many genuine challenges we all face together as a nation and expose for all to see what has been the abject failure of our leadership class to address them.

The consequences?

The world would likely descend into a nightmarish hellscape of harmony and common purpose.

And where’s the money in that?

Simply follow our suggestions and you, too, can stop being a racist without all the time and bother and actual “thinking” involved in engaging in things like fairness.

Besides, engaging in fairness also makes you a racist.

And now, if you will, allow us to present:

Planet Moron’s 5-Step E-Z Guide on How Not to be a Racist

STEP 1 Be a racist.

One excellent way to demonstrate that you are not a racist is to actually be one.

We should emphasize that not just any racism will do, it has to be the right kind of racism.

For example, it is of course abhorrent to assume that because someone is black, they must think and act certain ways.

Unless of course, that thinking departs in any way from progressive orthodoxy.

Say you are an African-American who chooses to be a police officer.

That is the wrong choice because black people need to make black choices.

Likewise if you are an African-American who holds conservative beliefs. Those are not beliefs that black people are permitted to have and you must denounce those people as an Uncle Tom or a sellout.

And of course, it’s always a good idea to be racist towards white people, otherwise you might be considered a racist or an Uncle Tom.

Depending on your race of course.

STEP 2 Don't deny you are a racist.

One of the more sure-fire ways to be a racist, is to say you aren’t one. (Please note, if you say you are one, then we'll take you on your word.)

STEP 3 Abandon racist ideologies such as “individualism” and “objectivity” because those things are clearly concepts that white people embrace and non-white people don't.

We should probably point out that that is not at all racist.  (See Step 1 above.)

STEP 4 Ask yourself if you are a racist. Also don’t ask yourself.

According to Angela Bell, an assistant professor of psychology at Lafayette College in Pennsylvania, “If you ask yourself if you are a racist, you’re a racist. Also, if you don’t ask yourself if you’re a racist, you are also a racist. If you are white, that is.”

Which brings us to Step 5.

STEP 5 Don’t be white. 

Not being white is probably the most straightforward and effective step you can take. Unless you’re white in which case you can’t.

And of course if you aren’t white you don’t have to.

Wow, that was easy, wasn't it?!


July 15, 2020 at 06:09 PM in Current Affairs | Permalink | Comments (2)

July 06, 2020

The Declaration of Independence Wokesplained

Titled, “America’s Glorious Celebration of Grievance,” a piece this past weekend from Bloomberg News patiently explains to the rest of us mouth breathers that the main message of the Declaration of Independence wasn’t the aspirational beginning that we all focus on today, but rather the list of specific grievances against the English Crown that follows. 

He makes this determination by employing his superior intellect in a rigorous examination of the document ultimately concluding that the grievance part was:

“…by far the longest section.”

This is like saying that the true heart of your mortgage isn’t the interest rate or monthly payment, but rather the 9 pages of legal boilerplate that follows. 

We don’t know about you, but whenever we’ve refinanced our mortgage the first question we get from neighbors is, “How many days do you have to satisfy a lien should such lien attain priority over your Security instrument? We got 10.  Boom!”

In the author’s brief mention of Jefferson, he of course has to wokesplain that he owned slaves.  It is essential that this be pointed out every time Jefferson’s name is evoked. It’s kind of a white-guilt box that has to be ticked off.

Which reminds us, did you know Jefferson owned slaves?  Well he did. He owned slaves.  And helped free a nation from subjugation and set in motion a human experiment in self-governance that the world had never before witnessed and that continues to this day.

But mostly he owned slaves.

Finally, the author notes that:

“The vision and the spur is also what distinguishes protests against injustice from rancid complaints from the White House. The former seek to realize the self-evident truth. The latter are solipsism.”

This is the unnecessary yet obligatory jab at President Trump that has been incorporated into all mainstream news media style guides.

If you haven’t already, we do encourage you to read the Declaration of Independence. It’s actually pretty short, and the list of grievances is in fact instructive and helps inform what was, after all, a political document that was meant in part to galvanize support for the revolution both by cataloging the depredations of autocratic rule and laying the moral foundation for a better future. The two really aren’t separate, they together make up the whole, taking nothing at all away from the noble, if short, beginning that we all remember today.

Unless you are an intellectual in which case it’s mostly just a lot of whining that we have mistakenly glorified.


July 6, 2020 at 06:15 AM in Current Affairs | Permalink | Comments (2)