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August 20, 2020

Save Our Jobs! We Mean, The Whales. Save the Whales Is What We Meant.

What if you were an environmental conservation organization raising funds to preserve threatened species and you actually succeeded in preserving one of your most profitable, we mean, most environmentally important, animals?

Would you:

A) Break out the champagne and celebrate an outcome you had all worked so tirelessly to achieve.

B) Reassess your priorities, perhaps even winding down some of your operations.

C) Make believe it never happened.

If you chose “C” you could very well be the president of a major environmental organization!

For example, the Canadian Wildlife Federation has decided to simply act as if nothing at all has changed. Take, for instance, this fundraising appeal.


That’s a humpback whale, one of the more beloved species among humans and popularized in the Star Trek movie, “The Voyage Home.”

It’s also thriving.

No matter, if it’s popular, photogenic, and most importantly, bankable, it’s going in a fundraising appeal. That’s not enough, however. You have to make sure that readers understand that the no-longer-endangered whale is in grave and immediate peril and that Visa and Mastercard are accepted. You can do that by throwing in a menacing ship of some kind. Maybe it's a whaler? Sure, commercial whaling was all but banned decades ago, but does that really matter? 

Maybe it's some sinister pleasure boater out in his 75-foot fishing trawler looking to engage in his favorite pastime:

Mowing down whales like a drunk mows down traffic cones. 

(Probably a MAGA guy.)

Oh, and don’t forget to toss in a baby.

Baby whales really open up the wallets.

What if that doesn't work?

Well, you can simply create a new "subspecies" based on where the whales happen to live.

The International Union of Conservation of Nature (IUCN), a giant consortium of environmental organizations (and so not at all bureaucratic) has done just that.

"Technically, there are five kinds of Right Whales. Two are doing fine – Bowheads are increasing, and the IUCN isn’t concerned about Pygmy Right Whales.

The three remaining Right Whales used to be considered a single species. Recently some (but not all) whale experts have started viewing them as separate species according to geographical location. If that hadn’t happened, we wouldn’t be having this conversation."

You see, by declaring that Right Whales who happen to live in the North Atlantic are now to be considered, “North Atlantic Right Whales,” you now have an endangered “species” that requires donations. Protection. Requires protection.

Which reminds us. While the Robin is not necessarily considered to be an endangered bird, the numbers of the subspecies, “In My Backyard Robin” are critically low.

Please send me money to preserve the In My Backyard Robin so that they may be enjoyed for generations to come.

Or do you just hate nature?


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August 20, 2020 at 02:10 PM in Current Affairs | Permalink


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